Ten Little-Known Facts About Pope Francis I

Congratulations to Jorge Mario Bergoglio, who has been named the new Pope Francis I. Here are a few factoids the networks may have missed:

10) Secret shame: An insurmountable addiction to Tastykakes Butterscotch Krimpets and Pabst Blue Ribbon as bedtime snack.

9) Was original choice to replace Eric Clapton in The Yardbirds. However, it interfered with his studies, so the band reluctantly hired Jeff Beck instead.

8) For Chemistry Master’s thesis, used reversed-phase chromatography to isolate the eleven herbs and spices in Kentucky Fried Chicken.

7) Observes vow of chastity, but thinks Salma Hayek is “one totes spicy mamacita.”

6) Voting was tied on last ballot: Francis won in a shootout, with a slap-shot through the five hole.

5) Favorite books: “Summa Theologica,” by St Thomas Aquinas, “Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Mathematica,” by Sir Isaac Newton, and “The Hunger Games,” by Suzanne Collins

4) Born in Italy, but spent most of his life in Argentina, even playing striker on the 2011 Argentinean World Cup team.

3) Named himself “Francis 1,” not after St Francis of Assisi, as commonly thought, but after Francis Albert Sinatra (“Pope Frank” didn’t sound sufficiently dignified)

2) Going 13-18 with a 4.97 ERA in 1967, is the only man ever to belong to both the College of Cardinals and the St Louis Cardinals.

1) Papal superpower he’s most looking forward to? Death ray vision.


(Good luck, Francis. You have one hell of a job ahead of you.)


3 Responses to “Ten Little-Known Facts About Pope Francis I”

  1. [this is good to the power of awesome]

  2. Mutus. [Speechless.]

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