Oh,Nutella! Saturday Mental Chex Mix

*- One thing I hate is having to read signals, to discern whether “Of COURSE you can go out with your friends” really means “Don’t you DARE go out with your friends!”

*- This is why I like direct things, like Nutella.

*- Sunday was World Nutella Day. I trust you celebrated appropriately.

*- Nutella is awesome, with over 50 HAZELNUTS PER JAR!

*- When The Universe created hazelnuts, they weren’t quite right. Nor was cocoa.

*- I mean, how could anyone carry 50 hazelnuts, not to mention cocoa?

*- It took Canadian brilliance to mush them all together and put the resultant awesome sauce into jars.

*- Nutella doesn’t play games.

*- Nutella gives you a suggestion on how to work it into a balanced breakfast: “A glass of skim milk, orange juice, and Nutella on whole wheat bread.”

*- Best of all, right on the label, it commands, “DO NOT REFRIGERATE OR MICROWAVE.”

*- There’s none of this, “Please” or “It would be best if you didn’t,” or “We recommend…” Not for Nutella.

*- And neither for Laurence Fishburne.

*- LurkerType mentioned “Event Horizon,” specifically that Sam Neill does a great job of going nuts.

*- Lo and behold, it was in the $5 bin at my Wal-Mart. I put it in my cart, along with my jar of Nutella.

*- Laurence Fishburne is one of my favorite actors. His face, voice, and bearing just scream, “DO NOT REFRIGERATE OR MICROWAVE, OR OTHERWISE DICK WITH ME.”

*- Laurence Fishburne is captain of the Lewis & Clark, a rescue ship sent to Neptune to rescue any survivors of the Event Horizon.

*- The Event Horizon is basically a portal to hell, designed by Sam Neill, in order to see people tortured and eaten. Or something like that.

*- The important thing is that Sam Neill goes nuts, claws out his eyes, then everyone starts seeing loved ones who aren’t there.

*- But no matter what happens, Laurence Fishburne is steady and calm, even when standing in the gateway to hell or defying physics.

*- I love this movie. It’s not good, but it’s fun.

*- And when Sam Neill is trying to save his demonic portal ship, Laurence Fishburne doesn’t gently try to soothe the crazy guy. He cuts loose with, “FUCK THIS SHIP!”

*- And in the end, Laurence Fishburne closes the portal to hell.

*- Sam Neill-demon screams, and Laurence Fishburne bellows, as the final explosions start, “I SAID DO NOT MICROWAVE OR REFRIGERATE, YOU DEMONIC M**HERFUCKER,” and eats one last spoonful of a certain hazelnut & cocoa spread.

*- And that’s why I love Nutella, because Laurence Fishburne died for it, and he staved off Hell in the process.

*- No damn way peanut butter could do that.

*- Happy Saturday


8 Responses to “Oh,Nutella! Saturday Mental Chex Mix”

  1. Heeee! Nutella. What a weird, but forceful, spread. I haven’t ever even tried it!

  2. You ate Nutella while watching Event Horizon? Oh, tom! That’s just nuts! Get it? Nuts?

    Never mind. Enjoy your weekend. And your Nutella.

  3. I have eaten so much Nutella in the past week. Oh god, it’s so yummy. 🙂

  4. I don’t know how I missed this post, but I only really tried Nutella recently (despite being Canadian). My mom wouldn’t let us have a *chocolate* spread as kids, no matter how many hazelnuts were in it. Then I tried it finally, on an English muffin about a month ago, just because it was on the table I was eating at. OMG.

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