R.I.P. DorkFone


The vaunted DorkFone 9500 XLT Turbo has died.

I’m a little sad, of course. The DorkFone performed tasks no phone could be expected. Phones are designed for texting or chatting online with friends. Or for Tweeting: sending 140 character prose bursts into the ether.

A phone is not designed to endure 1000 word essays or 800 word non sequitur casseroles. A phone is something a Maven or her minion would carry, not a machine upon which their stories were composed.

The letters were worn off most of the DorkFone’s buttons. Later, as you can see in the picture, the buttons themselves disappeared. The screen went wonky, as if a poltergeist were constantly dicking around with it, then finally died altogether.

I was left using a prehistoric phone with no QWERTY keypad! It had no apps! All I could do was peck out text messages and notes on Yahoo, like some sort of 1990’s person. I couldn’t check or write emails! I couldn’t do Twitter or update Facebook.

Once, I came out of work, and it had grown cold and windy. I had no way to check my temperature or forecast. I ended up Yahoo Messenging a friend in the Philippines, who accessed BayNews9.com–whose tower I can see from my balcony–and messaged me the temp and forecast.

Saturday, I had to try and find a pharmacy in Clearwater. For this, I text-messaged my brother, who was able to find a map.

It’s the little things, too, like using Shazam to identify any unfamiliar song on the radio. Good Lord! I was in an information desert, without even a horse with no name.

Thanks to something called “Premium Handset Protection,” I was able to have a replacement DorkFone shipped to me at no cost.

The DorkFone 9500 XLT Turbo is no longer made. One of my choices was the Typhoon Class DorkFone Mk II StratoTweeter. I took it. It’s awesome.

It’s faster & more powerful than its predecessor, with a brighter display and a QWERTY keypad made from the same stuff as the Batsuit. It rocks, and I enjoy using it.

Still, I think about all the things the original DorkFone and I shared. Here are the Top 5, in no particular order:

5) The DF scanned Basher’s tummy, and correctly identified her fetus as a girl, T-Bone (aka, Savannah)

4) The DorkFone and I wrote innumerable Mental Chex Mix posts, given words to thoughts better left unstated.

3) The DF took Bekki and Kelly, and threw them into an adventure involving Babe Ruth, Tom Arnold, and any number of other people who could have either sued or haunted me. Hard to believe this was last November.

2) The DF and I joined Laurie and Sailor Babo for The Perfect Scallop last spring! Laurie is the only Voxer to have met the DorkFone in person.

1) Lent in Casablanca. I have no idea why I chose this project, but for 40-something Lenten nights, I watched Casablanca, and most nights, I wrote some sort of post. I think it was Kzinti who said it was like I was writing my doctoral thesis by tying Casablanca to everything in the world. It was.

The Dork Fone was there for some great times, and some lousy times. It got me through long nights of Stabbyfeet Medcoma, helped me do my Christmas shopping, and looked up more dumb crap than any human should see in a lifetime.

Still, it is just a phone. A very special phone, sure, but it was just a bunch of circuits and plastic. And the new DorkFone?

I told it I wanted a good picture of my sandbar. It vibrated. I dropped, and it made a hissing sound. It blew through my balcony screen, and soared up over the lake. I was baffled. And kinda pissed–I was once again phoneless!

I settled down to read a Stephen King novel. An hour later, I heard a whirring sound. The phone was smoking faintly as it landed beside me.

I opened the Mk II’s screen, and this is what I saw.


I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.


10 Responses to “R.I.P. DorkFone”

  1. Long-live the new Dorkfone!

    It’s funny when you think about technology and how it is part of our lives. I think people used to feel that way about their cars, but now that’s probably getting replaced by their phones, because face it, our phones are with us a lot more than our cars.

    • With the new smart phones, you can carry so much information in your pocket. I felt cut-off, in a sense. I’d see something dumb (a bag of Garden Salsa Sun Chips, eg) and want to tweet a picture to my Sun Chip junkie friend in Manila. Plus, my commute isn’t that long. πŸ˜‰

  2. Steve hit it on the head: my current phone, which isn’t even smart, is four years old, and I wouldn’t part with it for the world. It has a photo of Eliza on it, which I took one morning while she was watching me get ready for work. Seeing her kitten-like face on the screen is akin to what a locket must have been to a lady in the Victorian period: a memento of a loved one.

    Also, the contact list reminds me of all the friends I don’t see much of anymore. I didn’t realize I knew so many people until I flipped open the file one evening when I was bored.

    You could mount the Dorkphone on a plaque as sort of a memorial to its faithful service. Or would that be too morbid? πŸ™‚

    • It would be fitting, but i have to send it back to the phone company for a post mortem.

      It’s funny you mention the picture thing. I haven’t used my Motorola Z3 slider phone in ages. It was a good phone, but just that. Anyway, i’ve kept it around in case of DorkFone failure. I popped in my SIM card, fired it up, and there as my wallpaper was a picture a friend sent me. Of her boobs. I had to be careful when using the phone, lest somebody see.

      The nighttime picture of Florida is my wallpaper now. The boobs will still be on the Z3 in 2 years when the Mk II is worn out. Lol

  3. Ah, the DorkFone! I remember it well. I even talked to your parents on it! While riding in the USS Nimitz! But Typhoon Class! — what took you so long if you had that handset replacement dealio all along?!

    • That’s right! I forgot you actually talked on the DorkFone.

      I called the phone people, and i had to try a couple things before they’d send a replacement. When the screen went dark, that sealed it.

      An interesting factlet: as it happens, I’m eligible for a handset upgrade next month. The mind boggles.

  4. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will have some frickin’ rad stories to tell.

  5. *bows head in moment of silence for DorkFone*

    Welcome, new DorkFone Deee-luxe!

    • Who knows what mischief the Mk II and i will get into? Maybe we’ll invoke Brown Suga, and do a Bollywood thing. πŸ˜€

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: