Archive for November, 2011

ZOMG! The Universe is a Tortie!

Posted in Uncategorized on November 17, 2011 by tom


This explains a lot.


R.I.P. DorkFone

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on November 16, 2011 by tom


The vaunted DorkFone 9500 XLT Turbo has died.

I’m a little sad, of course. The DorkFone performed tasks no phone could be expected. Phones are designed for texting or chatting online with friends. Or for Tweeting: sending 140 character prose bursts into the ether.

A phone is not designed to endure 1000 word essays or 800 word non sequitur casseroles. A phone is something a Maven or her minion would carry, not a machine upon which their stories were composed.

The letters were worn off most of the DorkFone’s buttons. Later, as you can see in the picture, the buttons themselves disappeared. The screen went wonky, as if a poltergeist were constantly dicking around with it, then finally died altogether.

I was left using a prehistoric phone with no QWERTY keypad! It had no apps! All I could do was peck out text messages and notes on Yahoo, like some sort of 1990’s person. I couldn’t check or write emails! I couldn’t do Twitter or update Facebook.

Once, I came out of work, and it had grown cold and windy. I had no way to check my temperature or forecast. I ended up Yahoo Messenging a friend in the Philippines, who accessed–whose tower I can see from my balcony–and messaged me the temp and forecast.

Saturday, I had to try and find a pharmacy in Clearwater. For this, I text-messaged my brother, who was able to find a map.

It’s the little things, too, like using Shazam to identify any unfamiliar song on the radio. Good Lord! I was in an information desert, without even a horse with no name.

Thanks to something called “Premium Handset Protection,” I was able to have a replacement DorkFone shipped to me at no cost.

The DorkFone 9500 XLT Turbo is no longer made. One of my choices was the Typhoon Class DorkFone Mk II StratoTweeter. I took it. It’s awesome.

It’s faster & more powerful than its predecessor, with a brighter display and a QWERTY keypad made from the same stuff as the Batsuit. It rocks, and I enjoy using it.

Still, I think about all the things the original DorkFone and I shared. Here are the Top 5, in no particular order:

5) The DF scanned Basher’s tummy, and correctly identified her fetus as a girl, T-Bone (aka, Savannah)

4) The DorkFone and I wrote innumerable Mental Chex Mix posts, given words to thoughts better left unstated.

3) The DF took Bekki and Kelly, and threw them into an adventure involving Babe Ruth, Tom Arnold, and any number of other people who could have either sued or haunted me. Hard to believe this was last November.

2) The DF and I joined Laurie and Sailor Babo for The Perfect Scallop last spring! Laurie is the only Voxer to have met the DorkFone in person.

1) Lent in Casablanca. I have no idea why I chose this project, but for 40-something Lenten nights, I watched Casablanca, and most nights, I wrote some sort of post. I think it was Kzinti who said it was like I was writing my doctoral thesis by tying Casablanca to everything in the world. It was.

The Dork Fone was there for some great times, and some lousy times. It got me through long nights of Stabbyfeet Medcoma, helped me do my Christmas shopping, and looked up more dumb crap than any human should see in a lifetime.

Still, it is just a phone. A very special phone, sure, but it was just a bunch of circuits and plastic. And the new DorkFone?

I told it I wanted a good picture of my sandbar. It vibrated. I dropped, and it made a hissing sound. It blew through my balcony screen, and soared up over the lake. I was baffled. And kinda pissed–I was once again phoneless!

I settled down to read a Stephen King novel. An hour later, I heard a whirring sound. The phone was smoking faintly as it landed beside me.

I opened the Mk II’s screen, and this is what I saw.


I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

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