Limping Along: Saturday Morning Mental Chex Mix

*- On behalf of everyone who has had the fluey thing that’s gone around, I would like to send this to the virus disseminators: F*** **U!

*-The thing was misery on toast points, took a break, then came back for an encore.

*- That’s great in a rock band, but I’ve never had a virus that left me wanting more.

*- If I ran things, i’d balance out the virus game. For every herpes, cold, or flu, i’d drop in a virus that suddenly increased muscle tone and caused weight loss. Or one that caused one to be temporarily irresistable to the opposite sex.

*- If that happened, I wonder if we would have “Get Worse Soon” cards, or wish our friends a speedy return to normalcy.

*- We might not send cards with that sentiment, but Schadenfreude would run rampant. “Bob’s running around all buff, banging that Hooter’s girl who finds him irresistable. I hope his antibodies kick-in quickly, and his pecker falls off!”

*- I’d also want viruses that caused spontaneous loss of limbs, or projectile lactation.

*- That would be rare. Then again, I had a really rare disease, so i’d be one of those poor bastards whose arms fall off while taking a leak.

*- Also, if I ran things, i’d carry the Catholic, pre-Vatican 2 Friday fish thing a step or two further. There would be a whole schedule of foods with designated times for their consumption.

*- I’m okay with mandatory grouper sandwiches on Fridays (clam chowder recommended, but not mandated). I’d have mandatory chicken wings on autumn and early winter Sunday afternoons, mandatory key lime pie certain days during Summer, and a minimum candy cane requirement during Christmas.

*- If I were placed in charge of Catholicism, i’d be a bastard, like a Medici Pope: foods consumed during Christmas would have one-third their usual caloric content. During Lent?

*- Yup: three times as many. “I said FAST, YOU BASTARDS!!”

*- Also, I would have a really awesome nutrient that could only be found in certain foods of the “ice cream” family. Brocolli? Bupkes.

*- Butter Pecan ice cream? A huuuuuge source of Tomium. Gelato, tofutti, frozen yogurt, sherbets, and Italian ices would have decent levels, but nothing like full-bore ice cream.

*- It’s a good thing I’m not in charge of things. If I couldn’t answer “why are my boobs different sizes?” Then i’d have no chance at “Why do bad things happen to good people?”

*- Lieb Vaterland magst ruhig sein.
Lieb Vaterland magst ruhig sein.
Fest steht und treu die Wacht, die Wacht am Rhein.
Fest steht und treu die Wacht, die Wacht am Rhein.

*- Sorry. I went to give Wind his nightly treat, and a table full of 1942 Nazis got hold of the DorkFone.

*- The poor DorkFone. I don’t know how much longer it will survive. It’s now missing half of the keypad buttons. Also, it has developed this overexcitability, like a demon-possessed puppy. I’ll be trying to do something, and suddenly, the screen will flash, it’ll freeze up, then piddle on the floor.

*-  C’est la vie.

*- Major Strasser has been shot; Ilsa and Laszlo are en route to Lisbon, and Louie and Rick are BFF’s in subterfuge.

*- All is right with the world. (I just hope everyone’s boobs are where they’re supposed to be). Have a great weekend.


20 Responses to “Limping Along: Saturday Morning Mental Chex Mix”

  1. *Checks boobs* Yep. Still there. One missing a few chunks from biopsies but otherwise fine.

    It’s cooooold, Tom. *high whiny voice* 45 degreeeeeees!

    You make me laugh. And sigh.

    My house is so full of *stuff* that I have anxiety hoarder dreams.

    I love your Mental Chex Mix.

    Once I finish chexing my emails I have chickens to attend to. And then work on the anti-clutter. Ratatatatat!

    • Holy crow, Lauri. My hut is a mess, but I don’t have CHICKENS breeding in it. 😉

      We’re finally getting a touch of autumn Thursday, plumetting down to 53 degrees. (That’s like 0 Kelvin where you are) I can’t wait.

      Happy Tuesday.

  2. Lol, one of mine’s been chucked out and probably incinerated as hospital waste… but I think that’s where it is supposed to be – so all is right in the world.
    – Get well soon, make sure you get enough Tomium!
    Oh… and I was gonna tell you that we’re harbouring loads and loads of good and helpful vira and bacteria… we generally just hang on to them forever and make them permanent fixtures… our mitochondria are one of the more famous examples.
    – It’s all a question of aligning interests… if the bugger’s only way of reproducing itself is that you live long and have loads of babies.. then they’ll help you with that all they possibly can… at least that’s where evolution will lead them… if they make it past your immune system’s first response.

    • I like the thought of our mitochondria becoming part of us…when they were separate beings at one point. It’s one of those universal connection things. 🙂

    • This cold virus was just somebody’s idea of a joke. Some sadistic bastard.

      Parts of me have been incinerated as hospital waste. Perhaps your bits and mine are up there in the atmosphere, laughing at all the poor hoomans down below. 😀

      Mr Malinsky used to say, “A successful parasite never kills its host.” This virus just made me feel like death.

      (I whined more with this stupid cold than I did with Fournier’s; men are wusses)

  3. Mine are so flat I hardly notice them anymore. *sigh*

    I’m starting to crave ice cream after reading this post. It’s got both calcium and fat, so does that mean the benefit of one is canceled out by the other? Why have stronger bones if they can’t heft a little more fat around? 😀

    It sounds like the DorkPhone should be retired, or put to sleep before it blows up in your hands. Seriously: a friend burned his hand and cheek when his smartphone overheated. Something about the battery malfunctioning, but he had this funny red rectangular mark on his face for several months. He grumbled that it wasn’t as sexy as a knife scar. 😮

    • Lol! I never heard of a cell phone burning someone’s face…pretty weird! Retire the Dorkphone before it retires you, Tom!

      • Ya know, Lauri. I still haven’t figured out my November Bad Pulp Fiction story. It might just include a poo lab genius with a bunch of wild chickens, and how this genius wreaks havoc on her enemies with angry poultry and angrier peptostreptococcus cultures. 😉

    • Very few things are sexier than a knife scar.

      I will take a picture of the poor DorkFone before I retire it completely. I’ll never get rid of it. We’ve promulgated too much weirdness together, from Lent in Casablanca to the very odd story from last November. It deserves respect. (maybe I’ll toss it off the Skyway (after removing the battery for safe disposal)).

  4. The DorkPhone deserves an honorable retirement, methinks.

    Are we having Southern Hemisphere Lent In Casablanca? Does it require pumpkin ice cream?

    Boobs are where I left ’em yesterday, though south of where they were some years ago.

    • Damnedest thing, LT: I can’t always write without Casablanca playing. It helps me focus. I’m like Pavlov’s dogs, only with Bogie and Bergman and words, instead of a bell and pre-kibble drool.

      Pumpkin ice cream sounds yummy. 🙂

  5. Both boobs present and accounted for, Sah!

  6. Brown Suga' Says:

    Boobs, fingers, toes, ears and all other components present and working (though not as much as they should be, so they all are slightly more blobbular than before.)

    Also – FYI – I regularly lurk around here, but don’t comment anymore because I’m fed up of saying “Awesome”, “WIN”, etc, ad infinitum, on every damn post you write.

    Happy Tuesday.

    • SUGA!!!!

      You can be plenty more blobular, and you’d still be awesome.

      You’re sweet. I’m glad you’re still around. I have to come up with a November blog idea. Maybe the Mavens and Sam the Wonderdog will go to Mumbai, and solve mysteries Bollywood style. (maybe they’d find Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love, and smack her around for being whiny)

      Anway, thanks for stopping by. You’re still one of my favourite people on Earth, even if you say that I drawl on the radio. 😉 xox

      • Ok, no more “Awesome” and “WIN”. How about “FUCK YEAH”! 😀

      • Brown Suga' Says:


        Hey, that sounds like a word. I’m gonna use it from now on!

        “Xoox”. I like it.

        Happy Tuesday, and a Happy Diwali/Hanukkah/all-encompassing Festive Season!

  7. Brown Suga' Says:

    Lauri – LOL, I got bored of that one too!
    The English language doesn’t have enough synonyms for awesomeness.

  8. But what of Praline Pecan ice cream? And boobs, properly placed boobs.

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