Archive for October, 2011

Limping Along: Saturday Morning Mental Chex Mix

Posted in mental chex mix, Uncategorized on October 15, 2011 by tom

*- On behalf of everyone who has had the fluey thing that’s gone around, I would like to send this to the virus disseminators: F*** **U!

*-The thing was misery on toast points, took a break, then came back for an encore.

*- That’s great in a rock band, but I’ve never had a virus that left me wanting more.

*- If I ran things, i’d balance out the virus game. For every herpes, cold, or flu, i’d drop in a virus that suddenly increased muscle tone and caused weight loss. Or one that caused one to be temporarily irresistable to the opposite sex.

*- If that happened, I wonder if we would have “Get Worse Soon” cards, or wish our friends a speedy return to normalcy.

*- We might not send cards with that sentiment, but Schadenfreude would run rampant. “Bob’s running around all buff, banging that Hooter’s girl who finds him irresistable. I hope his antibodies kick-in quickly, and his pecker falls off!”

*- I’d also want viruses that caused spontaneous loss of limbs, or projectile lactation.

*- That would be rare. Then again, I had a really rare disease, so i’d be one of those poor bastards whose arms fall off while taking a leak.

*- Also, if I ran things, i’d carry the Catholic, pre-Vatican 2 Friday fish thing a step or two further. There would be a whole schedule of foods with designated times for their consumption.

*- I’m okay with mandatory grouper sandwiches on Fridays (clam chowder recommended, but not mandated). I’d have mandatory chicken wings on autumn and early winter Sunday afternoons, mandatory key lime pie certain days during Summer, and a minimum candy cane requirement during Christmas.

*- If I were placed in charge of Catholicism, i’d be a bastard, like a Medici Pope: foods consumed during Christmas would have one-third their usual caloric content. During Lent?

*- Yup: three times as many. “I said FAST, YOU BASTARDS!!”

*- Also, I would have a really awesome nutrient that could only be found in certain foods of the “ice cream” family. Brocolli? Bupkes.

*- Butter Pecan ice cream? A huuuuuge source of Tomium. Gelato, tofutti, frozen yogurt, sherbets, and Italian ices would have decent levels, but nothing like full-bore ice cream.

*- It’s a good thing I’m not in charge of things. If I couldn’t answer “why are my boobs different sizes?” Then i’d have no chance at “Why do bad things happen to good people?”

*- Lieb Vaterland magst ruhig sein.
Lieb Vaterland magst ruhig sein.
Fest steht und treu die Wacht, die Wacht am Rhein.
Fest steht und treu die Wacht, die Wacht am Rhein.

*- Sorry. I went to give Wind his nightly treat, and a table full of 1942 Nazis got hold of the DorkFone.

*- The poor DorkFone. I don’t know how much longer it will survive. It’s now missing half of the keypad buttons. Also, it has developed this overexcitability, like a demon-possessed puppy. I’ll be trying to do something, and suddenly, the screen will flash, it’ll freeze up, then piddle on the floor.

*-  C’est la vie.

*- Major Strasser has been shot; Ilsa and Laszlo are en route to Lisbon, and Louie and Rick are BFF’s in subterfuge.

*- All is right with the world. (I just hope everyone’s boobs are where they’re supposed to be). Have a great weekend.

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“Why Ike. Maybe poker’s just not your game. I know. Let’s have a spelling contest!”

Posted in Uncategorized on October 3, 2011 by tom

The Twitter Spelling Test

Created by Oatmeal

This is amazing! Thank you so much. I’d like to thank theoatmeal.com, my parents, of course, and my brother Marky. My agent and everyone at Cut-Rate Talent Management, Bail Bonds, & Package Store, with 6 convenient Bay Area locations. Thanks to Bosch Fuel Injection Systems, Vick’s NyQuil, Honeywell Fans, without whom the Vortex of Comfort™ would be less cost-effective. Thanks to Doc Holliday and Johnny Ringo, and the ghost of Ann Boleyn.

Also, I never would have made it here without the makers of Jim Beam, Evan Williams, Ketel One, Taaka Vodka, Jägermeister, Bombay Sapphire gin, Hellman’s Mayonnaise, the McRib Sandwich, Maker’s Mark, Vancomycin, Prozac, Xanax, Adderall, Ativan, Zosyn, Flagyl, Diet Mountain Dew, Pennzoil, Titleist XL golf balls, Gibson Guitars, Fender Amplifiers, Hammond B3 and C3 Organs, Apple Computers, Smith & Wesson Firearms, The Motorola DorkFone 9500 XL Turbo, Kerlix, Anapestic Tetrameter, Lights In The Dark, Country Fried Steak, the Cities of Boise, ID, Scrappleton, PA, Amily Falls, MT, Devil’s Taint, TX, Tombstone, AZ, Saint Petersburgs RU & FL, Babalu’s Restaurant, “Big Game” James Shields & the Tampa Bay Rays, James Reimer & the Toronto Maple Leafs, James Hetfield & Metallica, James Taylor, James Brown, James Burton, Joe Walsh & the James Gang, and the City of Philadelphia for combining cheese and steak, and putting it on a bun.

Finally, to Mrs Van Arsdale, who hit me over the head once with a spelling book, and Dr Judith Gatlin of Furman University, who threatened to choke me to death if I made “another stupid semicolon error”; I haven’t forgotten.

Again, thank you all. Goodnight.

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