Gwyneth & Me: A Love Story

So, Gwyneth Paltrow is really nice and shy and lonely.

I was working at the Letterman show, doing my job,and Gwyneth was on the show. She was so nervous! It was almost cute how scared she was. She called her mom.

Holy crap! Blythe Danner is Gwyneth’s mom, and Brighton Beach Memoirs is one of my favorite movies. I asked Gwyneth if I could talk to her mom, and she let me! Blythe Danner was so nice, although she was less than impressed when I tried to get her to say, “THERE ARE NO BONES IN LIVER!” or, “Where am I going? To a nightclub?” Or “I was the workhorse, YOU were the pretty one!!” I started riffing on BBM lines, but she wasn’t into it. I guess the movie DID come out 25 years ago, and she’s done a kabillion movies since then.  Great actress. Way underrated.

But she wanted to talk to Gwyneth again. So I passed the phone back. She was laughing with her mom. “Okay, mommy. I love you, too. Bye!” Then it was almost time. I got her onstage with Dave, and she killed. She KILLED! She was erudite and funny and just charming as hell.

Gwyneth was giddy when she walked offstage, and she gave me a big hug. She’s so tiny! I mean, she’s taller than I had thought, but so thin! Like a bird or something. I gave her a good, Hagridean bear hug. She thanked me for being there for her before the show. One of the interns was there, and Gwyneth grabbed my iPhone and handed it over. “Take a picture of us!”

I hate having my picture taken, but how could I say no, right? So she hugged me, and I could feel that smile of hers–I could feel it against my cheek, it was so radiant or glowing or whatnot.  And she held it, and the intern was dicking around with my iPhone, and I was starting to get antsy. Then, of course, I realized the problem is that I DON’T HAVE AN iPHONE!

So I was jerked back to being awake again.

I’ve never been her hugest fan, but I’ve always respected Gwyneth Paltrow as an actress. Not just for Shakespeare in Love, but for smaller, subtler roles. The Anniversary Party comes to mind.

I really do think Blythe Danner is an excellent, vastly underrated actress. As far as my Letterman job? Dave & I did work together, in the same sense that I used to work with the KCBS receptionist (ie, we both worked for CBS).

Gwyneth may be nice and friendly and shy in real life. I don’t know. I know she’s married and has two kids, and I know she has put out a cookbook my friend Jen likes.

It was a nice dream, and so real! Just on a lark, I picked up the DorkFone and checked my picture gallery–just in case.

You’ll never believe what was there! This!


I’ll tell you this: that’s the last damn time I chase jalapeño poppers with NyQuil before bed. Oh, and I’ll SURE as hell never trust an intern to take my picture with an Oscar-winner.

Have a great Wednesday, Gwyneth. Call me. 😉


2 Responses to “Gwyneth & Me: A Love Story”

  1. Don’t you wish you never had to wake up from that one?!?!?!

  2. Blythe Danner is seriously underrated. But if she’s ok with that, I’ll have to be as well. Do you remember when she was in Adam’s Rib? There was a fantastic scene when she and Ken Howard came to some fancy shmancy restaurant. She was wearing a belted silk pant suit – I think it was a pale orange color but it could be our bad TV or my bad memory maître d’ flipped out because she was wearing pants.

    She pulled off the belt, took of her pants, shook the top down so it was at very-short-dress length and walked into the restaurant to the applause of all the diners. I love that scene!

    I think I’ll go have a nice dream about someone I don’t know. It’s sure to never have been at any place I’ve worked. Fast food restaurants, libraries and universities don’t exactly set you up for brushes with fame. 😛

    Did your non-photo-able intern resemble a Bag o’ Hammers by any chance?

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