Tweets, Teats, and Riboflavin: Monday Evening Mental Chex Mix

*- Where the hell has 2011 gone? We’re beyond the halfway point through July? Gah.
*- This has been an odd year.
*- Quite honestly, I don’t remember much of it, due to stabbyfeet medcoma.
*- It’s like this: blurrrrrrrrrrrrrDINNER WITH NOTED CANADIAN, CUPCAKEIST AND AUTHOR, LAURIE!!!blurrrrrrrrrrrrr
*- Dinner with Laurie was during Spring Training (March 1st-ish?). We just finished the All-Star Break. Sheesh.
*- I love Laurie, because she credits my Mental Chex Mix as being examples of “lateral thinking,” as opposed to the more apt “squirrelly dumb stuff with no linear thought process.”
*- A couple weeks ago, I went to my doctor, and explained that we needed change my meds completely, because I was just not having any quality of life.
*- Specifically, I felt like I’d had a ridiculously severe hangover for eight months, without the benefit of getting flat-out shiftfaced every night.
*- We changed meds, and by damn, I suddenly woke up awake one day.
*- That’s an appalling sentence–I suddenly woke up awake one day–but it’s absolutely the truth.
*- Anyway, It’s been an interesting two weeks.
*- For some reason, my sandbar is only in the news for really crappy things, like providing the Casey Anthony Trial jurors.
*- Please, don’t blame my sandbar for her. It was the bonehead prosecutors. One of the newspapers interviewed one of the jurors, and he said, “We were just hoping and praying the prosecutor would prove the case. She did it. The prosecutor just didn’t prove it enough.” (Well, something like that.)
*- We also had Terry Schiavo back in 2005. Holy crap, that was a nightmare.
*- Then, back in 1996, we had massive race riots downtown, sparked after a white cop shot a black teen who was about to run him over.
*- QUIZ: The most lasting effect of these riots is which of the following:
A) A new era of racial understanding, where everybody loves one another
B) The rejuvenation of the damaged areas, and a new sense of community spirit
C) A respectful sense of cooperation between minority residents and police officers, or
D) Due to looking dorky on CNN, our local gendarmes are no longer allowed to wear shorts on patrol.

*- The answer is D, sadly. I think they’re crankier because of the long uniform pants.
*- The word “riboflavin” sounds like it should be more fun than it really is.
*- I do not mean to disparage “riboflavin,” not by the longest shot.
*- In fact, I have a deep and abiding respect for riboflavin. Riboflavin does all sorts of beneficial body health crap, which is fine.
*- However, riboflavin is the ONLY vitamin that causes ones pee to turn the color of watered-down Mountain Dew.
*- Hooray, riboflavin!
*- Still, it sounds like a ride at Busch Gardens. “We rode Kumba, the Python, and this new rollercoaster, the Riboflavin! It was so scary, I peed fluorescent yellow-green for hours!”
*- Whenever I can, I use the word “fluorescent,” simply because it took me decades to remember how to spell it correctly.
*- Which brings me to Twitter. I hated Twitter with a hot passion, until my friend Amily made me sign-up for it. It’s fascinating in a strange way. There’s a bot that you can follow, and anytime you put (sp?) after a word, it will tweet you back with the correct spelling. OR it will compliment you on having spelled the word correctly.
*- Plus, it was nice when Rosanne Cash wished me a happy birthday, and surreal when I found myself discussing Bob Dylan’s genius with Peter Fonda.
*- What happened was that Peter Fonda tweeted an obscure quote from “You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go.” I tweeted a reply that that whole album, “Blood on the Tracks,” could be the perfect album, certainly in the top ten. Well, a day later, he replied, then we went back and forth for a truly fluorescent half hour.
*- I’ve been on an Audrey Hepburn kick recently. My local Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market has a bunch of Audrey Hepburn dvd’s for $5 each.
*- This “kick” really means that I bought “Roman Holiday” and watched it four times, then bought “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” and watched it once.
*- If you’ve never seen “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” Audrey Hepburn, George Peppard, and Buddy Ebsen are all spectacular. Then…
*- Then there’s Mickey Rooney, playing a Japanese neighbor.
*- This is not Mickey Rooney showing amazing Method skills, like those that transformed 40-something Brando into an old Italian guy.
*- This is an unfunny, incredibly racist, sterotype performance, complete with ginormous buckteeth, bad makeup, and this grating “Miss Go-right-ry” accent thing.
*- “Teats” is a funny word, too. If a guy named Peter sold special winterized teats, Halloween candy, and upscale linens, the store could be “Pete’s Neat Sheets, Sleet Teats & Sweet Treats.”
*- The only time I’ve ever liked Mickey Rooney was when Dana Carvey impersonated him on SNL. He just seems like an arrogant little guy. I’ve never found him to be funny or talented, and it’s unseemly to me that he schtupped Judy Garland when she was his teenaged bride.
*- Really. That’s like the Yule Ball-hot Hermione ending up with Kreacher.
*- So we have this pleasant enough, beautifully acted romantic comedy, and then in the middle, there’s Mickey Rooney offending Asians.
*- Ask Laurie: I am the biggest, pastiest white guy in the world (from my toes to my teats ;)), and I was offended on behalf of Japan. Seriously. What a douchebag.
*- Then on top of that, we had people being spiteful toward the Japanese because they beat Team USA in the finals of the World Cup.
*- Good Lord, it’s just a game, and it’s not like Japan has had the easiest year.
*- Call me crazy, but I’d take having the #2 best women’s national quidditch team (or whatever the hell sport it is), and NO major earthquakes, tsunamis, and nuclear meltsdown, as opposed to Japan’s lot.
*- “Yay! We won a sporting event! We’re growing radioactive endemames, and our livestock glow like fluorescent riboflavin piss, but we did something impressive with a ball of some kind.”
*- “This recreational activty makes up for all the bad stuff…but we’re still pissed about that frakkin Mickey Rooney!”
*- I leave you with a photo of Princess in her Royal Cast. (Said cast is now gone, and Princess is back to, as Stacey put it, “normal 7 year old activities (in P’s case, running the world))
*- Perhaps coincidentally, the cast is the color of??????
*- Happy Tuesday.

(BTW, the correct answer was “one of those fluorescent highlighters.” What were you thinking? πŸ˜‰ )


24 Responses to “Tweets, Teats, and Riboflavin: Monday Evening Mental Chex Mix”

  1. Tom!!!!
    Man o man, did you EVER wake up! πŸ˜€
    Delightful! I got online this morning fully intending (if one intends, doesn’t one always “fully” intend) to post one word. It was a word that I just thought was an interesting word because of the way it sounded. It started with a “c”. And now, having read and enjoyed every word of yours….including riboflavin and fluorescent I have completely forgotten my word. It was a dirty word. It had three syllables, I think. I am going to be working away today and this three syllable “c” word will come blurting out of my mouth because I will have remembered it.
    Anyway…..loved the MCM. You got to talk Dylan with Peter Fonda?>!?!? Derrrrrr…..awesome! πŸ˜€
    Ok, sigh, I have to go to work. Poop awaiteth! Thee you laterth.

    • Oh SHIT diddly damn….see up there where I typed “It was a dirty word.”

      It was NOT a dirty word…at all. I was supposed to have typed “It was NOT a dirty word.” It was an interesting word like riboflavin. Damn. I want to go back to bed.

      • Well, I sure hope you’ll stop back by when you remember your interesting word!

        One of my former radio bosses used to say his real name was “Stinky Weaselteats.” It cracks me up even 16 yrs later. I just imagine rollcall the first day of school.
        “Lauri Warner?”
        “*snerk* Here!”
        “Francis Weaselteats?”
        “I go by ‘Stinky,’ ma’am. Here.”

        And “teats” is a real word. If you know any veterinarians, I bet they use it all the time. “Fifi has fluorescent teats, due to excessive riboflavin.” πŸ˜‰

        Have a great day in the poo lab.

  2. I am ever so pleased to have been a block-cappable highlight, and I’ve really missed your posts. Glad to see you up an at ’em.

    There’s a British man “they” made a documentary about whose specific form of amnesia after a stroke left him with no short-term memory and every day he writes in his journal, “*Today*, I am awake!”, then the next day he crosses it out and puts, “No, TODAY, I’m really awake at last.” And so on.

    You may be the pastiest white guy in the world, but I’m still clinging to the record of pastiest white person. SPF 85 represent!

    • Laurie, no matter where our paths lead, on a pleasant Florida evening, as the humourless Calgarian newlyweds canoodled, you and I were together for the Perfect Scallop. We’re bonded forever. πŸ™‚

  3. This is an entire look-back post and not a mention of Casablanca?

    And I still get confuses sometimes between Laurie and Lauri…

    • It was odd not mentioning Rick & da boyz, but I made it through. The previous post, I…well, I stretched the truth a bit, and I kept wanting to use Sam the Wonderdog or Testarossa Ferrari. It’s an evil trap, Steve. πŸ˜‰

  4. (Well, *my* first Hush Puppy.)

  5. Oh, any by the way — am about to post this on my own blog, but that short story of mine you read where I patterned it after the style of your Mental Chex Mix musings? The tattoo one? I just sold it to a new literary magazine for their inaugural issue in September.

    For inspiration, I.O.U. another perfect scallop (or several) next time I’m down on your sandbar.

    • tomzone Says:

      That is spectacular!! Congratulations, Laurie! It was a brilliant story as a first draft, and I can’t wait to read it in the magazine. Well done! (And I’ll take you up on the celebratory scallop. πŸ˜€ )

  6. I am not a bot and I am following you on Twitter and you are not following me back [cries]

    I even twittered to you about it, and nothing. are you not accepting new followers or is it me?
    (it’s me, isnt’ it?)

    if you just forgot, my tweeidentity is marisermer.
    (mariser was taken – bastages)

    • It is you. tom just accepted me as a follower yesterday. πŸ˜€

      (Actually I’m just a stalker on Twitter. I don’t ever tweet, I just read other peeps’ tweets.)

      • hehheh. very funny, you.

        I’m new at Twitter and mostly read

      • You be nice, Professor Gozen! I’ve added Mariser, too. πŸ˜›

        Twitter is something else. I followed reporters on-scene in Japan during the earthquake. They’d tweet something like, “Alarms going off. Big one. Floor really shaking.” Then 10 minutes later, @breakingnews would report a 6.8 aftershock. (I recommend @breakingnews; something happens, they tweet a headline with a link to the source story)

        Also, I recommend following @rosannecash She’s a brilliant artist, but also a wife and mom, w/a 12 year old son and 2 grown daughters. She’s funny, and her exchanges with her daughter chelsea @cjanecrowell are often priceless.

    • Nooooooo! It’s not you! I just missed your tweet. I have followed you, and tweeted you confirmation. Lol. We met in Crazy 8’s on Vox. (I think that was the music site; that was fun), and you are on my fave peeps list. I just missed you. πŸ™‚

      • I adore Roseanne Cash.
        right now the only non-peep I’m following is @ebertchicago. I’ll be adding more in time.

        Calliope No. 8 was a lot of fun. are you in it is a new service that lets you “DJ” and play music with your friends in real time.

      • Now you are tempting me to get on Twitter..must….resist….

  7. Tweets, twats and titters….

  8. Damn. I was going to mention something about teats and twitters. Resist, Lauri, resist!!

    It’s wonderful to hear you sounding awake again Tom. I say sounding, because after a Mental Chex Mix I’m always left feeling as if the whole of life must be some pasty white crackers dream. πŸ˜›

  9. christinaheart Says:

    That’s why my pee was brightly colored when I take my Vitamin B vitamins! I think there was riboflavin in it!

  10. I’m sorry I’ve missed you but WP has decided to no longer tell me when people post anything. Consequently, I’m not telling WP when I post anything.

    I always thought riboflavin should be a kind of dog food. “You’re dog will love the great taste of RIBOFLAVIN!” Orchestra swell, perfectly groomed rough collie races gracefully across the field to his bowl labeled with his name… Ribo the Wonder Dog.

    I’m glad you’re no longer in a coma. It was pretty rude of you to take such a long one. All those other people waiting in line to get one were getting pissy so I sang a medley of melismatic chant and they passed out immediately. Your medifog effects sound a lot like my food effects and having a hangover without the accompanying liver damage is just not fair.

    Happy to see the young’un is ruling the world even without a plaster enforcer!

    Other than that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?

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