Wednesday Night Mental Chex Mix (Now available in Shrimp Flavor)

*- First off, kudos to the good folks who make Cat’s Pride Cat Litter.  I just changed the litter box. A bit later, Ana-Sofia Vargas began howling till I came running. She raised her left paw, and pointed to a tightly clumped glob of cat waste. Then she bowed.

*- Truly, she was proud. 

*- I’m amazed sometimes when I realize how much unsolicited information I have.

*- I went to The Infernal Store™ earlier, and I was shocked with how familiar I am with the place. I know where everything is. I know Barbara, one of the managers. I even have certain cashiers I like, and some I loathe.

*- Okay, loathe is a bit strong, but if I have the choice between being second in Kayla’s aisle or first in Tiffany’s…

*- I’ll be first in Tiffany’s. My goal is to get out of there with my provisions, and return to my command hut.

*- Still, Kayla is very nice. She occasionally has coupons hidden that she’ll use for me. She’s also tiny and freckled, and she could pass for 14, even though she’s 24, married, and just had her second child.

*- Also, with my Infernal Store™ Bonus Club swipey card, I have saved nearly $500!

*- That’s over 260 gallons of Diet Infernal Cola, or a couple thousand packs of Infernal Ramen™ (now available in shrimp flavor!)

*- All I can think of when I see shrimp flavored ramen is that they just dump Sea Monkey eggs into the MSG packet.

*- Poor Sea Monkeys. 😦


*- Back in the Old Days, kids magazines sold Sea Monkeys. The picture showed little arms and legs, and faces, smiling at the gullible cartoon kids. It looked like not just hours, but perhaps years of fun. Your little sea monkey friend would be there all through your childhood and adolescence. He’d be there to console you through your first crush. He’d be your rock as your body suddenly sprouted hair in revolutionary new places.  Your sea monkey would help you with your homework, demurely avert his eyes when you masturbate, and share your hopes and dreams. When it came time for you to graduate, your mom could carry him in a baby food jar. His teary cheers would join in with “Pomp and Circumstance” to speed you on your way.  Then, one sad day, you’d be called home from college. Your sea monkey would be sprawled on his sea monkey bed, an IV in his tiny arm. You’d profess your love for each other, and the sea monkey would go gentle into that good night, his soul off to join smiling Sea Monkey Jesus and all the Sea Monkey Saints in Sea Monkey Heaven. And years later, when it’s your time, your Sea Monkey would be there waiting for you, when you cross the bar.

*- Um, yeah. They’re brine shrimp. They won’t smile and wave and have cocktail parties. They’ll just float through their days, until you get bored and flush them down the toilet.

*- Or add them to your ramen noodles.

*- I’m happy that I’ve saved $466.26 with my swipey card thing.  I’d be more impressed if they’d hand me $466.25 (they can keep the penny) next time I pop in for supplies.

*- Or if Kayla would come to my house and cook me dinner, or let me cook while she cleans the cat box.

*- Sea Monkeys were one way life teaches you lessons by beating you down. You send in your money order, and you wait 6 to 8 weeks for delivery, dreaming of how bad-ass it will be, how you’ll be like Poseidon over the Monkey People, and Tony Marachino will stop bullying you, and even Timmy the Retard will admire you.

*- They’re brine shrimp. Tony Marachino will still give you atomic wedgies, and Timmy will judge you “a loser” from behind his thick glasses.

*- Even Timmy knows they’re brine shrimp, and he sticks crayons up his nose. Jeez.

*- It’s like the star naming thing. “Name a star for your loved one. We’ll send you a certificate, put it in a book, and more.”

*- Send me $100, and I’ll name a whole damn constellation for you, and write you into a bad pulp fiction novella to boot. For an extra $50, I’ll let you use Kelly Vision’s jet (if she’s working in her lair)

*- What if that expanded? If we allowed history to be sponsored? “The Tostito’s Roman Empire,” or “The Black Plague, sponsored by NyQuil.”

*- With digital editing, how hard would it be to add a Coors logo to Allied B-17’s?

*- Or we could have adversarial sponsorship. How much would it be worth to Reebok and Puma to have all Hitlerian swastikas changed to Nike swooshes?

*- Oh, well. Enough about dashed hopes and false expectations.  It’s a cold night in Gomorrah. If nothing else, I know my Burt’s Bees lip balm is made with real beeswax.

*- and my hand creme is made from real hands. 😉

*- I better run. Ana-Sofia Vargas and her valet, Wind, have sculpted a cat poo Sphinx they’re very proud of. 

*- For $50, I’ll let you name it. 😛

*- Stay warm, and happy Wednesday.


10 Responses to “Wednesday Night Mental Chex Mix (Now available in Shrimp Flavor)”

  1. I love your wandering brain.

    I’ll leave the cat poo sphinx for others to name. I have several of my own here that are still nameless. I’ll just scoop the boxes and be done with it!

    • Scoopooping is superior to the old school way. Clumping is good. If I ever get motivated, I’ll train them to use the toilet or, better yet, to hang their backparts over the balcony, and leave smelly gifts for the downstairs neighbors. 😀

    • No, but I can imagine being up here while my neighbors enjoyed such rains. *snerk*

  2. My brother fed his Sea Monkeys to his tropical fish. He had no illusions about keeping the Sea Monkeys as friends or even as pets: they were just these critters he hatched in a mayonnaise jar full of salt water and would periodically dump into the fish tank. The fish loved them, but I was always a little appalled at seeing the Sea Monkeys swallowed alive by the angel fish, who were greedy bastards. Your short little life ends as fish food? *heartbroken sigh*

    Eliza always preferred Tidy Cat. Anything else in her box, and she let me know how she felt by depositing her poo on the bathroom rug.

    • My dad used to buy brine shrimp to feed his aquarium fish. I never bought the Sea Monkeys. First off, I didn’t think they looked all that awesome. Second, I was saving for something useful: X-Ray Glasses. 😀

      I usually get Tidy Cat as well, but Cat’s Pride is also good, and it was BOGO with the swipey card, so WIN.

      OH! Speaking of cards, my dad loved yours. We met for dinner last week. I brought it into the diner. “Here. Somehow, this came to my address.” He loved it. Thank you!

      • Oh, good! I was afraid it might be too odd for him, since the art was on the esoteric side. I hope he had a good birthday!

        They used to advertise in comic books live seahorses. I never got them, but I always wanted them. I actually wanted a real horse, but I figured a seahorse was almost as cool. 😀

    • On a field trip for 9th grade biology, we went to a place called Whitaker’s Bayou. We waded around examining stuff, and I somehow caught a seahorse. It was a boy, and it gave birth, spitting out lots of little baby seahorse.

  3. Sea monkeys weird me out. Fo’reals. They seem so creepy.

    I’m also weirded out by those jumping beans.

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