The Tom Zone Mailbag

Dear tom,

You read an awful lot. What’s the oddest thing you’ve read today?

Literately Yours,

Bookworm in Boise

Dear Worm,

The oddest thing would be from IMDB.com, talking about “The Piano”: The last movie Nirvana Frontman Kurt Cobain watched before he died. I mean, is that a good recommendation? “Kurt Cobain watched this movie, and then was compelled to eat a shotgun?” Just a vaguely disturbing thought.

t

 Dear tom,

I noticed from your ongoing NaBloPoMo serial that you have The Immortals as Elvis, Babe Ruth, Keith Richards, and Bob Ross, the hippie painter guy. Um, are you demented? Do you really put Bob Ross in the same class as Elvis and the Sultan of Swat?

What’s the truth?

Skeptical in Skokie

Dear Skeptic,

I’ll put it this way: I didn’t spend half of my sophomore year of college getting high and listening to Elvis.

Bob Ross rules!

t

Dear tom,

I have this friend who’s always trying to convince me to, ahem, “show off my assets.” Any suggestions as to how to convince him to stop?

Puzzled,

Tempest in an F-Cup

Dear Tempest,

Well, you could share your assets already, and that would make me stop asking.

I mean “him” stop.

Uh-oh.

t

Dear tom,

You were walking a little funny when you came out of the bathroom. What did you do in there?

Curious,

Scandaljunkie in Bethesda

Dear Perez Hilton,

I know it’s you, so don’t even try to hide behind an alias. Yes, I was weaving a bit. It’s because the stupid Stank-B-Gone automatic toxic air-freshener-spraying device ONCE AGAIN sprayed me in the face as I washed my hands. Seriously, I’m going back to something safer, like being catheterized.

t

Dear Tom,

Did you hear? Black Eyed Peas will be playing the Super Bowl halftime show! Isn’t that great??

Yay!

Some Football Fan’s Girlfriend

Hon,

What, were the Fugees already booked elsewhere?

t

Dear tom,

I get the impression that these “Tom Zone Mailbag” posts are just an easy way for you to post something, without having anything legitimate to say.  Is this true?

Disappointed in Delaware

Dear Double-D,

Duh!

t

Dear t,

Just to make you aware, we are considering legal action against you.  Your stupid “ABC’s of Thanksgiving” post is the second time you have ridiculed the letter “W” in verse.  We demand a retraction.

Sincerely,

Wiggins, Willis, Wormtail, & Wussi, Esq.

Legal Counsel for The Society for the Prevention of  W Defamation

Dear Lawyers,

Two words: wetwact this!

Seriously: you represent a letter? Are your offices on Sesame St? Your client is egomaniacal, and can’t even decide whether it’s a vowel or a consonant.  Try and find a more stable client.  Like Charlie Sheen.

Best Wegawds,

t

That makes  a dent in the e-mail for now.  Have a great Saturday. 😀

Advertisements

6 Responses to “The Tom Zone Mailbag”

  1. is that a good recommendation? “Kurt Cobain watched this movie, and then was compelled to eat a shotgun?”

    I can see how. meself, I was searching for eyebleach. Harvey Keitel is a fine actor and (I suppose) a fine man, but seeing him in all his buttnakedness glory is not for the weak. or not-so-weak.

    we miss you, Kurt

    • I agree. Harvey Keitel’s penis could have its own double-feature with The Piano and Bad Lieutenant.

      “Harvey Keitel’s Penis” would also be an interesting name for Kurt Cobain’s new band in Rock & Roll Heaven.

      Happy Saturday, Mariser.

    • Kurt was more extreme than the rest of us — p’raps that was all that would get the picture out of his head.

      Abusive Sam Neill or naked Keitel? I might sign up for the abuse.

      Bob Ross rules even sober. I had a streak of awaking before dawn some time ago, after only about 4 hours’ sleep. Blessedly, I found that one of the PBS stations was showing BR reruns just at that time of morning. A couple days of his dulcet tones and gentle affect broke the streak.

      • I used to watch him in the mornings before work. I’d take a shower, etc, then watch him from 9 to 930. It was an amazingly gentle way to ease into my day. It was unreal that anyone could go from blank canvas to beautiful painting in 23 minutes. Another thing I loved about Bob was that he was so matter-of-fact about his technique, kind of like Michael Jordan saying, “then you’re going to jump from the foul line, switch hands, then slam-dunk over Hakeem Olajuwon.” The guy was just incalculably cool. (And my line implying I was always high watching him was–shockingly enough–hyperbole (highperbole?). Bob Ross was more relaxing and soothing than any mere substance could be)

    • I forgot to mention, I howled at “eyebleach.” I’d never heard that before, but it’s the perfect image.

  2. Bob Ross on coke: “And I’m going to put this little tree right over here. A nice little tree. It’ll be our little secret. And if you ever tell anyone, I’m going to come over to your house and cut you! You got that! Keep your mouth shut about the tree!”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: