ABC’s of Thanksgiving

A is for ass, as in “Lord, mine got fat!

I guess there’s no question where all that food’s at!”

B is for Butterball, basted and browned,

Don’t dare grab a drumstick if grandma’s around.

C is for carbs and for calories galore.

“Anymore stuffing?” “Oh sure! Have some more!”

D is for dressing, so dense and delicious.

You eat all the dressing, I will become vicious.

E is for eggplant, nutritious and bland.

The eggplant’s quite safe when Thanksgiving’s at hand.

F is for football, traditionally lame.

Unbuckle your belt! Sit down, watch the game!

G is for “Good God Almighty, I’m full!”

Bright Aldebaran is in Taurus, The Bull.

H is for ham, but we’ll save ham for Christmas.

A thin strip of land ‘twixt two seas is an isthmus.

I is for “I’m indigestive and burpy!

What really might help is a Tagamet Slurpee!”

J is for Jell-O and cranberry salad,

Old Dan Fogelburg had a way with a ballad.

K’s blissfully silent in knowledge and knee.

I’m trying to nap! So please belch silently!

L is for ladle, conveyor of gravy.

My hair is quite straight, but my Punkin’s is wavy.

M is for mashing, potatoes and yams.

And mass mastication. “More turkey? Yes ma’am!”

N is for nitrogen, the biggest part

Of your loud satisfying Thanksgiving feast fart

O is for orange, the color of autumn.

Looking for sale ads? Today’s paper’s got ‘em.

P is for pies! Hooray, pumpkin, pecan!

And Peach! And—oh bees balls, the Patriots won.

Quality food, quintessentially starchy,

This feast! Young Veronica’s boycrush is Archie.

R is for roughage, so absent this day.

We’ll once more eat fiber some time Boxing Day.

S is for squash casserole, a big reason

I visit my parents this time of the season.

T’s for sweet tryptophan, post-turkey slumber,

The Ranger’s right-fielder swung MVP lumber.

U’s for unbuttoning pants way too tight,

We all should wear sweatpants on Thanksgiving Night.

V is for victory! Something so rare

For Detroit when another team visits their lair.

W is obnoxious and doesn’t fit into my rhyme, and thus it shall be ostracized and excluded.

X is for 2 XL pants all around!

The feast of Thanksgiving is worth a few pounds.

Y is for yams under marshmallow lava.

The odd Dr Lecter liked liver and fava.

Z is for zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

(Sweet tryptophanny dreams, and Happy Thanksgiving!)

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10 Responses to “ABC’s of Thanksgiving”

  1. UGH – how COULD you do that to me with W? I was flowing so well, I guess that’s when the regurgitation began…. 😛

    • I don’t like W. All the other letters are fine with one-syllable names. W is just an attention whore that doesn’t fit into my plans for world domination. I mean, it doesn’t fit my meter or rhyme scheme. 😀

  2. I love the rhythm break at W. Just the kind of left turn you’d expect from a Tom writing.

    Most excellent poem, Tom, and it sounds like it was a most excellent feast.

    • Thanks, Laurie. We had our Thanksgiving on Sunday at my parents’ house, then they went up to D.C. to have Thanksgiving proper with my brother.

      See if you can find an essay by Michael Arlen called “Ode to Thanksgiving.” It’s the snarkiest, most-wonderful deconstruction of the holiday by a curmudgeonly Brit. I used to read it aloud to my mom while she was cooking, until she started threatening me with carving knives.

      I’ve looked for the essay online, but I haven’t found it. It was in a college text, since lost (like my youth, or hope)

  3. I’m still hoping we get illustrated Tom alphabet books one day.

    The random factoids sound like you got the same curse as the Stranger. Insulting Immortals will put you in danger.

    (Uh-oh)

    This evening we’re returning to last night’s scene of the crime for Thanksgiving Part 2: The Leftovers. We had one fewer person than expected, so we got serious leftovers.

    • It’s not every day you get to fit “Aldeberan” in a Thanksgiving poem. Oh, and the poor Stranger. Summoning the Immortals because of onion breath. Sad.

      I’m not sure if an illustrated tom-alphabet book would be legal in most countries. 😉

  4. *applause applause*!!!

    Nicely done! W will just have to lump it!

  5. R is for roughage… I laughed so hard for some silly reason at this…

    • I thought of that one Sunday night as I was going for the last round of leftovers and realized I hadn’t had a vegetable since Thursday! And then I still didn’t. Had a salad for dinner Monday night.

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