Evil Makes an Encore

Lindsay reached into the attache case, and gingerly pulled out her box of Russian kids breakfast cereal.

“Oh, Gingie.  Thanks!” She hugged her friend.  “All they have at The Facility are bran things.  I’m tired of farting–since mine aren’t divine and fiery,” she winked at Tom Arnold.  “I miss my Курам на смех!” #

Dmitri goggled.  “We smuggled this attache case across the country, and it was just cereal?? Are you kidding me??”

“Dmitri! Дружба дружбой, а служба службой! До свадьбы заживёт,”*  Ginger scolded.

“But, we battle forces of evil to bring Russian cereal to her? ”

Lindsay rolled her eyes.  “Ем, да свой, а ты подальше постой.”  +

“Oh, for God’s sake, I DON’T SPEAK RUSSIAN! I was born in Bermuda. Went to university at Cambridge! Wait, why do you two speak Russian?”

Ginger and Lindsay laughed. A policeman walked by, and looked at the odd group. Madame Teal smacked the cop on the ass as he passed. The officer spun around defensively and looked into Madame Teal’s extraordinary green eyes.

“Um, thank you ma’am,” he said. “That’s a lovely Gucci bag eating your bacon.”

The Gucci bag rolled his eyes. “Thanks. Now beat it, flatfoot. We’re talking.”

The confused officer walked away. Lindsay opened the contraband box, and filled her bowl with thick, oddly sparkling brown flakes. She dumped in a glass of milk, and immediately set about glomming on her beloved, illicit cereal.

After a minute or two of watching LiLo’s frenzy, Kelly Vision got back on point. 

“So, Mr Arnold.”


“Sorry.  Tom.  Did we just vanquish Cheneymonster, and forever banish evil from the Earth?”

Tom Arnold chewed his country-fried steak thoughtfully.  “No.  First off, Cheneymonster will come back out of pure cussedness.  Could be later tonight, could be six months, or six years.”  He took another weary chug from his box of coffee. “As far as evil, there are any number of forms evil can take.  Cheneymonster is just one we at the Order keep an eye on.”

“But he’s the worst, right?”

“He’s pretty vile.  They all have their own evil specialties, whether you call them demons, devils, monsters, or Jersey Housewives.”  He got up from his seat.  “Just gotta run to the can, if you’ll excuse me.”

Tom Arnold walked away to the restroom.  With their source of information gone, everbody watched Lindsay, curious at her foodgasmic enthusiasm.  Finally, The Stranger broke the slurpy silence.

“I treasure the look on your face, so ethereal,

But what is so freaking unique  ’bout this cereal?”

“Slrebprm ndnd,” Lidsay replied.

“What?” replied Madame Teal.

Lindsay swallowed.  “Strontium 90.”

“Strontium 90??”

“Yup. That’s their secret ingredient. `For that healthy, energetic glow.’ It really works!! It’s better than…um, that stuff I’m not allowed to have anymore?”  She gave an embarrassed grin.

“Oh, Linds! I forgot to tell you.  I brought you usual supplies, just in case we couldn’t score from Dave.”

Ginger handed over the box marked “LiLo 911,” which she’d removed from her pantry.

“OH!! You’re the BEST!”

Lindsay ripped open the box and pulled out two boxes of good old American kids cereals. 

“YAY!!!” There were still a few spoonfuls left of her Russian cereal, but Lindsay couldn’t wait.  She tore open one of the boxes, and topped off her bowl with happy, pink, sugary crunchiness, then poured on another half glass of milk.

Tom Arnold came out of the bathroom, wiping his hands on his pant legs.  “Stupid hot-air hand dryers never work–HOLY CRAP! Is that Frankenberry??? DON’T MIX IT WITH THE RADIOACTIVE–” but it was too late.

The lights dimmed; a glowing pink mist coursed from the bowl, forming a shape 8 feet tall.  The shape solidified, and a loud, mincing yet deep voice rumbled seemingly from hell, like the Allstate guy if he were in La Cage Au Folles.  “WHO THE HELL DARES SUMMON ME??”

All eyes looked at Lindsay, then back to his tall pink badness.  The Gucci bag muttered, “Aw, shit.”

#- “It makes chicken laugh”

*- “Nothing personal; just business; you’ll live”

+ “I eat [it], and it’s mine, and you stay away from me.


13 Responses to “Evil Makes an Encore”

  1. Phew – thanks for the translations!

    Oh Tom… um… no words will suffice to um …. praise this ongoing masterpiece.

  2. съесть его и запер, that’s all we ever heard…

    • I have no idea what that Russian means, but I almost let an episode go by without any ass-smacking! Thanks for reminding me. I rewrote a bit, and now it’s more in keeping with the timeless, classic feel of the previous installments. Whew! Thank you, sir.

      • Just drop it in the window over at google translate for full effect. No asses were harmed in any way during the filming of this production…

        Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Asses…

    • It took a week, but I finally translated it. Hysterical!

  3. Well, I’m glad I didn’t get here till after the ass-smacking was added.

    There’s a sentence I’ve never typed before and hope never to again.

    (eyes breakfast cereal suspiciously)

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