If Literary Characters Twittered

@BobTheOompaLoompa Great. A fat kid, a brat, a gumchewer, a poor kid w/a heart of gold, and some psycho tv kid. Guess who’s gonna have to make up a bunch of pithy songs with morals today?

@LordVoldemort I checked in at Borgin & Burkes (16 Knockturn Alley) on #Yelp

@LisbethSalander Using Irene Nesser disguise. Had to apply makeup, don wig, and remove rings from eyebrow, nose, pancreas, left asscheek, and soul.

@BToTheIlboBaggins So fuckin Gandalf invades my crib with all these MFin dwarves and shit; ate all my food, drank all my wine, and broke up my toyz; now they think I’m gonna go steal shit from a dragon for them? Oh hell no!

@RonaldWeasley Saw Dean snogging Ginny. Never noticed her bewbs B4. Hard to believe we used to take baths together back in The Burrow.

@LavenderBrown Won-won gave me herpes! I know he got it from that stupid skank, Hermione.

@ParvatiPatil Ron gave me herpes! I know he got it from that stupid skank, Lavender.

@LunaLovegood Ronald Weasley gave me nargles!

@MadamePomfrey Haven’t seen so many cases of herpes since Charlie Weasley played seeker for Gryffindor. Nargles either.

@StMichael I heard some mortal wrote a story where Tom Arnold lights farts in my name to destroy evil. Gonna have to smite said mortal. (Nobody’s supposed to know we do that!)

@RobertLangdon I love my life. I know everything, and I’m always teaming up with hot, super smart women. Only thing that could wreck it is if they hired Tom Hanks to play me, and gave him a dorky haircut.


@EbenScrooge Think I overdid it on the habañero hot sauce, Jägermeister bombs, bonghits, and NyQuil. Hope I don’t have effed-up dreams or anything.

@DmitriMinionov I’m going to deck the next person to smack my ass. I did not earn a PhD in Astrophysics from Cambridge to be treated like somebody’s bun boy

@Ginger_Sister Shut up, bun boy.  Good Lord, I hope this idiot writer tells us what it is I smuggled halfway across North America, preferably before Boxing Day.

@JulianGrant Think you have it bad, Ms Sister? I had to suffer as one of his characters through an entire bad novel!

@tomzonets Have a great Saturday!

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14 Responses to “If Literary Characters Twittered”

  1. ROFL!!!

    Herpes and nargles! Owen Meany! Robert Langdon! Oh….all of it!
    You have a great Saturday, too!

    • If somebody reads Owen’s comment, and they haven’t read “A Prayer for Owen Meany,” they’d miss the joke. That’s definitely in my top 5 favorite books. And my mom’s best friend talked like Owen, all in caps all the time.

    • Btw, I missed you until you found me. Nobody else gives *snerk* quite like Lauri. 😀

  2. HAHAHAHA. This is GREAT! Loved the HP references (Ron sure gets around) and Scrooge and Bilbo especially.
    You do know, of course, that this makes me want to read your novel.

    • I liked Lisbeth Salander having her soul pierced, but the I’m rereading “The Girl Who Played With (non-Arnoldian, unsanctified) Fire.”

      The bad novel has been e-mailed to you. I was young and liquored up, so don’t expect too much.

  3. Freedom Smith Says:

    Fantastic! What creativity you have. I think this should be published 🙂

  4. @EbenScrooge: Dude, you are so hosed.

  5. LOL! All magnificently in-character and delightful. Wonder if Dmitri will follow through?

  6. All this snogging and herpes going on around here… Better don my protective asbestos undies…

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