Showdown

Kelly Vision smiled over her shoulder at Tabitha. “Don’t worry, Tabby. This won’t take long.”

Kelly and Ginger Sister raised their guns and fired.  Two blue splatters appeared in the Cheneymonster’s chest.

Cheneymonster touched his finger to his current host’s chest.

“Pity this isn’t paintball, ladies,” he smirked. The girls looked at each other, gobsmacked, as Cheneymonster turned to his two flanks of minions. “GET THEM, AND GET THE GIRL!”

Five evil minions moved toward Lindsay and Tom Arnold.  The other five turned toward Ginger and Kelly, and their minions. 

“Linds! Smack my ass!”
“I told you, we could meet later–“
“Smack my damn ass, then get behind that chair! DO IT!”

Lindsay decided she’d done weirder things on her path to The Facility, so she smacked Tom Arnold hard on the ass, then jumped behind the chairs.

Three plates-worth of Brussels sprouts had spent the last four hours percolating inside our unlikely hero. “Now, Sam!”

James Earl Jones’ voice blasted from the WonderCollar with the power of Snoop Dogg’s sub-woofers.  “GET THE HELL DOWN, NOW!”

Stunned by Sam’s urgency, Kelly, Gingie, Tabitha, and Dmitri dropped to the floor.

An otherworldly bray eminated from Tom Arnold’s ass, which was right next to one of the candles.  A green fire blasted across the room, hitting all of the EvilMinions, who–being denizens of evil–crumbled to dust in the cleansing Holy Fire. 

Cheneymonster had dropped behind his Command Coffin during the inferno.  He arose, and smacked Ginger Sister’s ass.  Kelly Vision shouted, “RUDE!,” and  swatted him in the head with her paintball gun.

Cheneymonster dropped to his knees, holding his bleeding forehead.  The Stranger grabbed a pot of decaf from the snack table, and threw it on the Evil One.

All at once, Hank Jonas’ skin began to smoke.  The Cheneymonster screamed, as his sneering older form came through.  The Evil One then turned into Hitler, then Satan himself, before becoming Cheneymonster again.

He continued to dissolve, muttering curses in an ancient, forgotten language.  Sam the Wonderdog walked over, and piddled on the pile of evil goo that soaked into The Facility carpet.

Tom Arnold looked down at the mess and shook his head.  “Sam, I thought you’d never get here.  Just tell me you remembered my Box o’ Joe.  And that sculpted guy needs a new loincloth.”

Lindsay popped her head up from behind her chair. “Gingie? Tom? V for Vendetta guy?” She stood up, and walked shakily toward the odd grouping of allies. “Is somebody going to tell me what the hell just happened? And why Cheneymonster is here? And what happened to–“

Tom Arnold put his finger to Lindsay’s quivering lips. “Shh.  Real coffee first, and maybe a cigarette or ten.  Then I’ll explain.” 

Dmitri walked back in, wearing his reserve loincloth and bringing the Box o’ Joe Ginger Sister and he had picked up a lifetime ago.  Tom Arnold twisted off the cap, tipped the spout to his lips, and drank deeply.

“Ahh. I needed that.  I think it’s going to be a long night.”

Posted from WordPress for the DorkFone 9500 XLT

Advertisements

9 Responses to “Showdown”

  1. And finally the ass-smacking pays off plot-wise!

    I love the concept and phrase “reserve loincloth”.

    • What some would call “gratuitous sexual denigration” turned out to be foreshadowing after all. 😀

      I’m not sure what happened to Dmitri’s default loincloth. Initially, I was thinking it burned up in Tom Arnold’s Holy ass-fire, but it might have ended up…soiled?

      • Could have always contributed to the hellfire himself, after eating eggs and beer… I’ve been thinking about assless chaps instead of loincloth… Would that change the character too much?

      • Do I have to spell everything out? When you changed from the cardboard and tinfoil mask to the Guy Fawkes mask, you added the whole V for Vendetta ensemble–including being the only character in the entire story with a cape. 🙂

      • Just like the Lone Ranger. Me and my trusty Lego Stallion…

  2. I’ve been following this tale for the last few weeks, mystified by its flaming jet trail of a plot. Then it hit me that your story is so like another tom, Tom Robbins. Except without the burnout, and all of the joy.

    Good stuff.

    • Thanks, Professor. I’ve had fun writing this series, even though I’m sure The Elders will rescind my English degree for “egregious damage to prose.” It has been a challenge writing in a serial format, but having an unlimited budget and the ability to write about flatulence and ass-smacking.

      • …kind of mitigates things. (The DorkFone sent the previous comment before it was done, apparently). I really like Tom Robbins up thru Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas. After that, I think he was burned out. I just finished “Jitterbug Perfume,” which is always a joy.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: