Cereal Killer

Maybe it’s a result of writing the torturous serial adventures of Kelly Vision, Ginger Sister, and friends, the process of which may just destroy English more than even Twitter or George W. Bush.  Perhaps it’s that my coworkers and I got into a discussion about The Shmoo. 

Well, here’s the logic.  A coworker asked me if I remembered The Shmoo.  I responded, “Yeah.  He was on `The Flintstones,’ right?” I was scolded that The Shmoo was a denizen of Li’l Abner. 

As the conversation went on, my coworker and I were both reading the same Wikipedia article, and LO AND BEHOLD, my dorkiness was upheld–The Shmoo was a regular on a bad 1980’s Saturday Morning Flintstones spin-off. 

So, somehow that led me to reading about the ever-nutritious foodstuff known as tofu.

I mean Fruity Pebbles. 

Fruity Pebbles, if you’re not part of the cereal cognizenti, are about 80% air, 40% sugar, and 25% brightly colored carcinogens.  Oh, and artificial fruit flavoring. 

Yes, the above math doesn’t add up correctly, any more than Fruity Pebbles are actually “part of a nutritious breakfast.”

Honestly, Fruity Pebbles CAN be part of a nutritious breakfast, if you eat peanut butter toast and an apple while reading the Fruity Pebbles box.

But I’m not here to deride Fruity Pebbles.  In all likelihood, the Post Company calculated that each American kid needs to average four boxes of Fruity or Cocoa Pebbles in order for C.W. Post’s offspring to attend college and have Tuscany summer homes.  I’m sure that my fat ass consumed my lifetime share of Fruity Pebbles.  These were in the category of cereals known as “Stuff my grandma would buy us when we visited.” At home? Cheerios, Raisin Bran, etc: good, solid, stolid, nutritious cereals.  Grandma’s house? WOO-HOO!! Fruity Pebbles, Cookie Crisp, Boo Berry, and their super-sweetened ilk.

Don’t take my mention of Fruity Pebbles literally, but as a symbol of all the ridiculously sugary kids cereals my brother and I would beg for in vain.   Many a time, I remember thinking huffily, “Well, when I’M grown-up, I’ll eat Fruity Pebbles every morning!”

I don’t eat a lot of cereal.  When it’s cold, I like to buy Grape Nuts.  I could buy Apple Jacks, Count Chocula, Cocoa Puffs, you name it–hell, I could mix them together, and add even MORE sugar to them if I wanted–and I buy freakin’ Grape Nuts. 

Thing is, I must have only eaten female grapes in my life, because I’ve never seen a grape with nuts. (rimshot)

Sorry.  I have slept like five hours combined the past two nights, so my brain isn’t working with any great coherence. 

I wonder when I passed the Pebbles point.  When I walk down the cereal aisle, I don’t even see the sugary cereals.  It’s just “blah, blah, blah, Grape Nuts.”

(When it’s cold, I like to pour milk on them, then zap them in the microwave.  It’s tasty, and gives me the illusion that I’m eating healthily, despite the fact that Grape Nuts contain neither grapes nor nuts)

Life is funny, I guess.  When Team Punkin and I visit our favorite steak place, I find that the salad is more of a draw than the steak.  (It has this burpalicious buttermilk ranchy kind of dressing that is made of yum)

And I’m a grown-up, now.  I’m not rich, but by damn, I can afford any cereal I want. 

Like I said, it’s Grape Nuts, and never one of those alluring, forbidden sugar-bomb children’s cereals.  Except for Frosted Flakes, but that’s different.

Because they’re grrreat.

Happy Saturday.

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23 Responses to “Cereal Killer”

  1. So, what of Tofurkey? Or more commonly known as The Devil’s Work?

  2. I ate Lucky Charms for breakfast for years. Now I eat either low-fat yogurt or Rice Chex. Although I have occasionally grabbed a single-serving box of something sugary at a buffet.

    • I’ve never thought of Lucky Charms as being in the same category as Fruity Pebbles. Take away the marshmallows, and you have an oat cereal that isn’t horrible. (I used to eat the cereal first, carefully avoiding the marshmallow bits, then knocking back a couple spoons of pure joy.) I agree with you on the Charms. I also like all the Chex cereals, except for the corn. Say, did you know you can make a tasty snack mix from Chex? 😉 Have a great weekend, LT.

    • I think the Global Warming has something to do with it. Cold weather helps ripen the Frankenberries and Booberries. Yuel Gibbons (the Grape Nuts guy from those commercials) is probably spinning in his compost pile.

  3. I, too, am a Grape Nuts girl, though occasionally I foray into the “Honey bunches of things that make my heiney grow” category. However, in the course of reading up on how to become a more ethical eater, I came across a cereal which is like Grape Nuts Deluxe. It is called Ezekiel 4:9. It is really good, plus it has all kinds of protein and healthy stuff in it. I highly recommend the upgrade. (You probably would find it in the organic section or the healthy food section of the supermarket)

    • Whenever I wander into the healthy foods section, klaxons sound, and Madame Pince comes, brandishing her feather duster, and chases me back to Salisbury Steak land where I belong. I shall look for this Ezekiel product. (Maybe I can pay some skinny person to buy it for me :P). Upon further reflection, I figured out that the biggest appeal of Grape Nuts is the aquarium gravel texture and crunch. Yummmm

  4. I am SO over the sugary cereals. Now they would send me into a hypoglycemic coma in two hours. BUT….I remember eating bowl after bowl after bowl of Capn Crunch.
    And Cocoa Puffs….with SUGAR added!!!

    Yep….we are definitely grownups, now!

  5. We grew up, five kids, only getting Cocoa Puff about once every couple of months because it was a) a small box, b) expensive and not as much for the nutrition (or lack thereof) aspect, because the parental units would let us pick out Honey Comb or Frosted Flakes any time, because they were in big, more economical boxes. But Cocoa Puffs was the Grail, because it was CHOCOLATE cereal. One box would last us five kids exactly one Saturday morning, a bowl and a bit each.

    When I was first on my own, I decided I could buy it whenever I wanted. But I wound up keeping it for a special treat on Saturdays. Shortly after that I discovered another sister was doing the exact same thing, and a third would hide it away and only have it when her kids were on their alternate weekends with her ex, so she wouldn’t have to share.

    I forgot about buying it after a time, and didn’t even notice for a longer time that they stopped selling it up here in Canada some years ago. Last year on a trip to Philly, I picked up a box and brought it back in my luggage. It’s still only half-eaten.

    • Thank you, Laurie, for your eloquent comment. I had no idea the sugary cereal-related phenomenon was international in scope. 😉 I was shocked to learn, in the course of my extensive research, that Franken Berry is only available seasonally. While I’m sure this is only because the Franken Berry crop is limited, it still saddens me. Have a lovely weekend.

      • Tom, I saw FrankenBerry and BooBerry marked down at my Target this week. Apparently once Halloween’s over, the bloom is off the monsterberries. It is truly sad that something’s happened to the crop yields since our youth.

      • And what of Boo Berry? Man, that disappeared for a long time and only recently came back in limited runs. Sheesh.

    • Btw, I love that you had to resort to smuggling Cocoa Puffs through Customs! I think “The French Connection” was originally about Cocoa Puffs smuggling, although the film was too scary, so they changed it to heroin.

      • I didn’t smuggle my Cocoa Puffs, I declared them proudly when I was asked by Canada Customs what I’d bought in the US. I think the customs officer was quite amused at my choice of souvenir.

  6. Lol at LT! Limited Monsterberry crop! Now that IS sad!

  7. I discovered Cheerios in chocolate milk as my answer to no-kid-cereals-allowed when I was a young’un. Then I had kids and they disappointed me so much because they didn’t even want the sugar-encrusted fluorescent cereals. Then I had another kid and voila! Sugar Sugar Sugar!!!

    But he usually picks Cheerios when I let him loose in the cereal aisle.

    I suppose it’s best that I don’t go into a sugar coma but still…

  8. […] The busiest day of the year was November 13th with 88 views. The most popular post that day was Cereal Killer. […]

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