Help Is On The Way

Dressed in her KellyVision livery by Chanel, Skycaptain Laetetia guided the roaring Gulfstream jet down runway 9-West.  She eased back on the stick, and the G-IV soared into the dreary Chicago sky.  She banked over Lake Michigan, climbing steadily.

In the FunCabin, Tabitha was serving fresh crab cakes while Dmitri opened a perfectly chilled bottle of wine. 

Ginger Sister sipped her Chardonnay and smacked her lips.  “This is delish, Kel.  Where’d you get it?”

“It’s my private stock.  I have it specially made from grapes personally stomped by Dakota Fanning and Evanna Lynch.”

“Evanna Lynch?” Ginger asked.

“Yeah, the girl who played Luna Lovegood in the Harry Potter films.”

“Ohh.”  She took another sip.  “Why her?”

“Cutest feet ever.  Cute feet make for tasty wine.”

“Of course,” Ginger nodded. “And Dakota Fanning?”

“Great little actress, plus she owes me a favor for getting her out of a Turkish prison back when she was 14.”

From his custom Barcolounger, Sam barked.  Babette, his minion, brought him a piece of bacon, then bowed and withdrew from the FunCabin via the doggie door.

“HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO GET PAST SECURITY?” Sam asked, his VisionCollar now booming with the voice of James Earl Jones.

Kelly spilled her wine into the hot tub.  “Sam! I’ve asked you!”

“Sorry, mistress.” Sam clicked a few keys on his iBook. “Is this better?” whined Truman Capote’s mincing nasally voice.

“Ha, ha.”

“We’ll go with this.” It was Sam Waterston from Law & Order.

“Better.  Thank you.  What were you asking?”

“How we’re going to get by Nurse Ratched and security once we reach our destination.”

“I have a Colt Desert Eagle in my purse,” Ginger shared.  “That and a taser, and we should be good.”

Sam snorted.  “I think we might need a slightly different, less-felonious approach.”

“What did you have in mind?”

“I think,” Sam (Waterston) said, “We should invoke Madame Teal.”

“Hmm.”  Kelly thought for a few seconds.  “Gingie?”

“I don’t think it would hurt.”

“Okay, Sam.  Make it so.”

“Yes, Mistress.  I shall contact her assistant, Ms Parsley, at once.”

Two time zones away, in a secret rainforest lair, a red phone rang.  With her well-manicured paw, Ms Parsley clicked the speakerphone button and, with her VisionCollar set to the sultry purr of Sally Kellerman in a Hidden Valley Ranch spot, began making arrangements to have her human, the legendary Madame Teal, assist with this mission of mercy.

Tabitha knocked demurely, and entered the FunCabin.  She took away the empty crab cake plates, and topped off the wine glasses. 

“Those were delicious, Tabitha,” said Kelly.

“Thank you, Ms Vision.”

“Really good, Tabby,” Ginger said, smacking Tabitha on the ass as she walked by.

“Thanks, Ms Sister.”  Tabitha bowed herself from the FunCabin.

“Do you have to smack my minion on the ass when she walks by?”

Ginger laughed her maniacal high-speed driving laugh. 

“Seriously.  My minion means only I have ass-smacking rights.”

“Sorry, Kel.”

Sam barked, and Babette brought him another piece of bacon.

Martin Sheen’s voice eminated from the VisionCollar.  “Thank you so much for the bacon, Ginger,” Sam said. “And I am nobody’s minion, so you may scratch me anytime.”

A chime sounded demurely, and Laetetia spoke over the FunCabin intercom: “We will be going supersonic now.”  40,000 feet below, a boom shook windows and scared cattle. 

Back in the rainforest, Raul del Fuego lay in a sweaty, panting puddle of vanquished man.  Beside him, Madame Teal was drifting into a golden dreamstate, a contented smile on her face.  There came a scratch at the door.  Madame Teal warily opened one jade-green eye.  She’d left explicit instructions not to disturb her unless it were an emergency.


Parsley opened the door and entered the chamber.  Her VisionCollar spoke in the Latin-tinged voice of Salma Hayek.  “Sorry to disturb you, ma’am, but I’ve had a communique from Sam on the Intersect.”

“Uh-oh,” she said, yawning.  “Is Ginger Sister in jail again?”

“No, ma’am.  Apparently, it’s Ms Lindsay.  She’s in the Betty Ford Clinic, and Tom Arnold has befriended her.”

“Oh, bees balls, not that.”  Madame Teal sat up in the bed, pulling the sheet to her neck, trying to chase away the sudden chill that enveloped her. (grin)

“Ms Sister and Ms Vision are en route to California.  Sam thought they might need your special powers.”

“Of course.  Tell Sam I’ll be there.  I’m going to take a sauna, then shower.  When do they expect to be there?”

“Around 2100.”

“Very well.  Tell them I’ll disapparate, and meet them in the parking lot then.”

“Please, madame,” Parsley purred, and would’ve blushed had dogs had that ability. “Scratch Sam behind the ears for me?”

“Parsley! You harlot,” Madame Teal laughed.  “Of course I will.”

Madame Teal threw back the covers.  “Time to go to work.”  She smacked Raul del Fuego on the ass,  cackled madly, and headed off to the sauna, her mind focusing on the dangerous mission ahead.  Anytime Tom Arnold was involved, things could get pretty dicey.

High above Colorado, the G-IV carried the GingerVision Alliance toward its appointment with that ultimate crack-whore, destiny, while on the ground, a man wearing a large foil-covered cardboard mask looked up from his peyote-fueled stupor.


12 Responses to “Help Is On The Way”

  1. Ah, that old crack whore Destiny. Reminds me of the story my daughter told about visiting New York and meeting a crack whore named Susie. Must be Destiny’s sister…

  2. I feel like I am on a sports team with the amount of ass-smacking I’m doing 🙂

  3. I was completely amused the whole time (esp. at Sam using different famous voices — I like him as Waterston or Sheen) but when I got to

    “that ultimate crack-whore, destiny”

    I LOL.

  4. ilostellis Says:

    I wish I looked good in a hat. I’m short enough to look cute in a hat. It doesn’t work out though, like many things that seem like great ideas and then, pphhhfft!

    C’est la vie. 😉

    • Laetetia Casta looks good in a lot of things most mortal women don’t. One of my favorite movies is “His Girl Friday.” Cary Grant is funny and cool, but Rosalind Russell is gorgeous and smart, and totally rocks a hat.

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