Going West

Dmitri Sergeyevich Minionov wanted desperately to make the Sign of the Cross as he prayed silently, but his strong, well-manicured right hand had a deathgrip on the Bugatti Veyron’s passenger side “OH SHIT!” handle.  Beside him, Ginger Sister was yelling into the phone as she drove.

“What do you MEAN, you have to make a call? Dammit, Dave, why do I keep you on retainer, except that you have product when I need to score?? This is an EMERGENCY! DO IT! I’ll be there in 20!”

A Trans-Am moved into the lane in front of Ginger Sister.  She casually veered into the breakdown lane, and blew by the troublesome car at 190 mph. 

“Jackass.”  Ginger glanced over at the terrified Dmitri. “Oh, don’t worry, cupcake.  I paid your insurance premium,” she said, gently smacking his face.  “We have to stop by Dave’s and score before we get to Midway.” 

Dmitri sat silently, letting Ginger Sister concentrate on driving.  She weaved expertly through traffic, the only sounds the Bugatti’s throaty roar, Ginger’s occasional profanity, and Beethoven’s 9th  playing on the cd player.

A blue sign on the Chicago outskirts showed that a Waffle House, a BP Station, a McDonald’s, and a Dunkin Donuts resided at the next exit.   Ginger Sister gasped.

“Oh, shit! Sam said to bring coffee!” She swerved across three lanes, and exited.   Ginger looked at Dmitri, who was decidedly a bit green-tinged, and laughed.  “Poor little minion!”

She turned right at the end of the ramp, and pulled into the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru.

“Welcome to Dunkin Donuts.  My name is Holly. Would you like to try a flatbread sandwich this evening?”

“Hello, Holly.  No thanks. I need a Box o’ Joe and a pound of crisp bacon.”

Dmitri groaned. “And a ginger ale for wuss-boy here.”

“That was a ginger ale, a Box o’ Joe, and, what?”

“A pound of crisp bacon.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am.  We don’t sell bacon.”

“Of course you do.  I’m looking at your menu board.”

“On sandwiches, yes.  But we don’t sell bacon separately.”

“Okay, Holly.  I’d like a Box o’ Joe, a ginger ale, and 16 Bacon, Egg, & Cheese Flatbread Sandwiches, hold the eggs, cheese, and flatbread. ”

“You want me to hold the eggs, cheese, and flatbread?”

Ginger Sister remembered the famous Jack Nicholson scene in “Five Easy Pieces,” and resisted the urge to say, “Yeah. I want you to hold them between your knees”

But just barely.

“Yes, Holly, that is correct.  I want  a bag full of bacon, a box full of coffee, and a cup of ginger ale.”

“Um.  Okay, that will be $64.29.  Please pull forward.”

Ginger eased the Bugatti up to the window. 

“Just to get this straight, you wanted–”

“Yes, Holly.  Sixteen Bacon, Egg, & Cheese Flatbread Sandwiches, with no eggs, cheese, or flatbread.  A Box o’ Joe, and a cup of ginger ale.”

“Okay.  Um, $64.29?”

Ginger reached into her bra and pulled out a $100.

“Here, Holly.  Keep the change.  Get a new eyebrow ring.”

Holly checked the bill with one of those anti-counterfeit markers, saw that it was real, and handed two bags, a box, and a cup through the window. 

“There are cups, cream, and sweeteners in the big bag.  Thank you!”

“No, thank you, Holly.”  Ginger grinned wickedly, gunned the engine, and peeled out onto Route 12A toward Dave’s house.

Twenty miles away, Sebastian was refueling Kelly Vision’s Gulfstream IV outside a private hangar at Chicago’s Midway Airport.  In the private FunCabin, Sigrid was just working the last knot out of Kelly’s shoulders. 

“Anything else, madam?” Sigrid wiped the massage oil off her hands. 

“No, hon.  That was awesome,” Kelly Vision purred. “Your money’s on the counter. See you next time I come through Chicago.”

Sigrid took the five $100 bills, and left Kelly to her relaxed revery.

There was a demure knock at the cabin door, and Tabitha entered. “Ms Sister is five minutes out, Ms Vision.”

“I’ve told you, Tabby.  When we’re alone, you can call me Kelly.”

“Okay, Kelly,” Tabitha blushed.  “Ms Sister is five minutes away.”

“Great.  Did she score?”

“She was just leaving Dave’s house when she called on the secure line.”

“Excellent.  Tell Laetetia to make sure we’re warmed-up and ready to take off.”

Outside in the cold drizzle, Sebastian shivered as he finished fueling the Gulfstream.  He disconnected the fuel hose, and rewound it onto the truck.  He grinned as he saw the Bugatti Veyron speed across the tarmac, then powerslide into a spot outside Hangar GS. 

“My favorite car!” Sebastian called.

“My favorite Aussie,” Ginger replied, tossing him the keys, then French kissing him hard on the mouth.  “Put this in a good spot for me, will you,”  tucking another Benjamin into his shorts, and smacking him on the ass.

“Yes, ma’am!”

Ginger carried the smaller Dunkin Donuts bag around the G-IV’s nose, and walked up the stairs, a revivified Dmitri close behind her.  She climbed the stairs.  Laetetia met her at the door. 

“Welcome aboard, Ms Sister,” said Laetetia, kissing Ginger on each cheek.  “We are all ready to ‘ead off to California.”

“Thanks Tish,” she replied.  “You remember Dmitri?”

It was difficult to tell who blushed more deeply, Dmitri, Laetetia, or Ginger.  After that weekend on Vision Island, they all had reason to blush.  And smile.

“Zee boss is in zee FunCabin”


Ginger Sister knocked on the door, and entered the FunCabin.  Sam the Wonderdog looked up from his computer, expectantly.  Ginger grabbed a piece of bacon from the bag and tossed it to him.

“Thank you,” Sam replied.  Today, his Vision Collar was projecting the stentorian voice of Patrick Stewart.  “I took a nice pee on the tarmac when we landed, and now you bring me crispy bacon.  This is turning out to be a most-enjoyable trip.”


10 Responses to “Going West”

  1. I’m wondering if we should start issuing obstructions for you. Like if you working in our challenges into the story line we reward you with name brand nyquil or picture of Biscuits and gravy in the breakfast buffet?

    It would almost be like an adult choose-your-own-adventure story.

    (Funny story btw. I was wondering who the bacon was for)

  2. This is currently my favorite adventure story.

  3. I can almost hear the narrator’s voice at the end, “Tune in tomorrow, same time, same channel”…

  4. Freedom Smith Says:

    Great job. Keep up the great writing!

  5. YAY! I found you!!!

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