This Will Not Do

Another afternoon in Ginger Sister’s midwestern lair, another foot massage from the talented, eager Dmitri.  As she relaxed beneath Dmitri’s touch, she leafed through the latest issue of The Globe. 


Ginger Sister sat up abruptly, her right foot jerking from Dmitri’s hand. 

“What is wrong, mistress?”

“This article in The Globe! Pack my bags and warm up the Maserati.  We’re going to Baltimore.”

“To see The Maven?”

“Of course,” she replied, her face reddening.  “Oh shit.  Forget the Maserati.  Break out the Veyron.  And Dmitri, before you even think of getting in the car, put your loincloth back on.  I didn’t drop a million-seven on this ride to have your swarthy, sculpted ass sweating on my leather seats.”

“Yes, mistress.”  Dmitri re-wrapped his loincloth, and ran off to Ginger’s chamber to pack a bag. 

“This is bad,” said Ginger Sister, breaking out her cellphone and pushing a number. “This. Will. Not. Do.”

A sultry voice picked up on the other end.

“Kelly Vision’s office, Tabitha speaking.”

“Tabby, Ginger.  I need to speak to the boss.  It’s double-plus urgent.”

“Right away.”

The phone beeped as it transfered. 


“Kel, the unspeakable has happened.”

“Does this have to do with tom and the Buy One, Get One Free NyQuil?”

“NO! Check your e-mail. I just sent you the article.”

Kelly Vision punched a button on her control console.  Up popped the following.

“Oh, SHIT! Tom freaking ARNOLD???”

“That’s what I said! Dmitri’s packing the Bugatti.  If I can average 150, I can be at BWI in four hours.”

“Gingie, he was married to Roseanne! There’s no time.  Just get yourself to Chicago Midway.  I’ll meet you there, and have your boy-toy, Sebastian, top-off the G-IV.  I’ll be there in  90 minutes.”

“Okay, you remember my private hangar?”

“After that party last time? Tabby still blushes whenever she sees ice cream, peanut butter, or a Slip & Slide.”

“Oh yeah.” Despite her panic, Ginger smiled.  “Okay.  See you there. Tell Tabitha the girl remembers nothing. And say hi to Sebastian.”

Ginger Sister sauntered to the kitchen, walked into the pantry, and grabbed the box marked LiLo 911.  Dmitri walked in, dripping from the Midwestern rain. 

“The Veyron’s in the portico, Ms Sister.  Will you be needing me to go with you?”

“Yes, Dmitri.  You’d better grab a robe.  Even with the loincloth, you don’t want to scare Tabitha like you did last time.”

Ginger Sister handed the box to Dmitri, smacked him on the ass, and walked out to the idling Bugatti.  “How far to Midway?”

“GPS says 110 miles, mistress.”

Ginger climbed into the cockpit, and fastened her seatbelt.  “Buckle up, cakeboy.  We’ll be at Midway in 60 minutes.”

“Where are we headed mistress?”

“We’re on a mission of mercy, my boy.  We’re off to save Lindsay’s soul.”

The 1001 horsepower Bugatti roared off into the rainy Midwestern night.


24 Responses to “This Will Not Do”

  1. I love this! 🙂 (Except I’m pretty sure Ginger would have the number to the Batphone and wouldn’t need to speak to Tabitha, who I picture as a young Katharine Hepburn.)

    Also, I LOVE her car. 🙂

    I love that I’m called The Maven. Am I a supervillain? Please say yes. 🙂

    • Yeah, Gingie has a Bugatti. You have your own tricked-out Gulfstream jet. I was kinda picturing Tabitha as a young Mary Louise Parker, but she’s your minion. As for being a Supervillain…DUH! 😉 Thanks for not suing me.

      • Oh, a young Mary Louise Parker? I won’t fight that. 🙂

        I have a jet? DELIGHTFUL! 🙂 I want to be the me in your world, not the me in this one.

    • How do you think I feel? In my blog, you have a jet, a lair, and a minion. Ginger Sister has a lair, a badass $1.7 million car, and a minion, and I’m just some reprobate with 2-for-1 store brand NyQuil and 2 cats.

      • You can be my sidekick if you want. We can be partners in crime and you can have your own minion and lair. We’ll get you a really nice car, too. And your cats can get treat-fetching minions.

  2. Do I get a loincloth? LOL

    • We all make mistakes in rehab. The biggest one is getting emotionally attached to the wrong persons. LiLo saved me from a getting a little to chummy with Mickey Rourke, and we all know what kind of downward spiral that would have led to. I have to return the favor.

      @Khager OOH a young Mary Louise Parker? Nice. Well done Kel!

      I’m with the Maven. I’m a bad-ass in this world. That would rock.

      • Well, I think Mickey Rourke is a little more problematic than Tom Arnold. I mean, Tom Arnold seems like a nice guy, just sort of mediocre. Mickey Rourke freaks me out a little.

        I know, right? I’m presumably hooking up with a young Nancy Botwin!

        And I have a JET! (And a pilot although maybe in this world, I can fly, too.)

      • Two words. Gary Busey…

      • Gingie, you know you couldn’t have escaped the creepy grasp of Danny Bonaduce without Mickey Rourke. And the guy was an awesome actor in th 80’s, before you broke his heart (and fracture his pelvis)

    • No loincloth for you! A cloak, perhaps, but no loincloth.

  3. ****SHUDDER*****
    Gary Busey

    • I would save Ginger from Gary Busey. And ShushNow. Almost everyone else is on their own.

      • Why would you need to save Ginger Sister from Shush Now? Good Lord, I’m confused, and it’s my stupid blog. 😛

    • Gingie, many of the court records were not sealed. I didn’t spill anything. And Arthur and Molly Weasley are still mortified that you two were apprehended wearing your Christmas Weasley sweaters.

      • Because every so often Shush goes a little mad. (Sometimes.)

        I hate calling people by their blog names! It feels creepy. Yay for us, Tom, using real names like real people. 🙂

      • Just make sure that you’re don’t tip Molly off to this. She’s only just gotten around to forgiving me for that escapade.

        Kel, you don’t have the burden of notoriety that Lilo and I do. I’ll make sure we rectify that and make it that you join us on the ‘Clever euphemism and meaningful allusions” team and are no longer able to blog in under your own name.

  4. christinaheart Says:

    [this is good]


  5. […] This Will Not Do November 2010 22 comments 3 […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: