If Only I Ran the World

If you watch TV, you’d think that Americans were walking around with fungus-riddled toenails that look like saltines.  Veritable scads of money have been devoted to those seeking to eradicate our brittle, crusty toenails. 

And thank God for it, too! Without this huge public service push, millions of Americans would not know to be embarrassed by their toenails.

Toenails is just a vile word.  There’s nothing fun about the word “toenails.”

Puppet? GREAT! Few words are more fun than “puppet.”  Puppet, puppet, puppet. 😀

Ah, but toenails. 

And “fungus.” Nothing good about that word either.  Put them together, and it’s trochee-icky: TOE-nail-FUNG-gus. Blech.

In addition to dropping hundreds of dollars on systemic meds to fix your offensive toenails, there is now high-tech relief.


Lasers? Mankind has been walking around with non-clear toenails since we first walked the earth, 6000 years ago (grin).  However, do we really need to waste lasers on TOE-nail-FUNG-gus? I’m reasonably certain T-n-F-g doesn’t spread to, say, your face, which will crumble and embarrass you horribly.  I’m reasonably certain T-n-F-g stops at the T-n. 

Sorry.  At the “toenail.”

I submit the following alternate proposal.

This is a laser being shot into the center of our galaxy:

Darned impressive.  What’s the purpose? I’m really not sure.  Something about checking the atmosphere for blurring effects.  Does it matter? Look at it.  We blasted a laser into the center of the Milky Way, probably because some astronomy genius was in a bar with his fellow astronomy geniuses, and Star Wars was on the bar tv, and he downed a shot of Jaegermeister before bellowing, “DUDES!!!! LET’S BLAST A LASER FROM THE V(ery)L(arge)A(rray telescope in Chile)! We can just shoot it into the middle of the galaxy!”

“But why, Bob?”

“Who the frakk cares?? We’ll just say it was to `measure atmospheric distortion,’ or some bullshit like that.  We have PhD’s–they’ll fund it!”

Odds are that at least one toenail at that table was fungal. 

This is six pairs of Hanes Men’s Socks, available at Target for about $10. 

What’s the point?

Simple.  If you have offensive toenail fungus, wear socks.  Let’s save the lasers for important stuff, like letting drunk genius/nerds blast them into the galactic center to amuse non-drunk astronomy nerds writing inane blog posts on a lovely autumn evening.  And as far as pharmaceuticals? Instead of Lamisil, let’s spend our pharmacy bucks on fun stuff, like Oxycontin.  Who knows what Bob and his drunken merrymen will blast next with a laser?

Happy Thursday.


6 Responses to “If Only I Ran the World”

  1. Hehehe, I agree on the offensive toenails and sock thing.

    And I know it’s meant to be funny – but being a “survivor” of toenail fungus let me tell you: it absolutely should be treated.
    Not only does it look bad … but … but …unless you shower 3 times a day …it kinda smells too. Yuk. I have never felt so disgusting as I have during that period. Wanted to outrun myself.

    And having an ex-nurse as a mother I have also gotten the following info: if it’s a really bad fungus that has the ability to spread, and is left untreated you look at worst case scenario of amputation.
    Gives kind of a different aspect to a ugly toenail 😉

    • You’re right, of course, in that this was not a screed against the fight against toenail fungus. I nearly died from a bizarre infection a few years ago.

      What I’m really mocking is the advertising. The toenail fungus laser clinic ad appeared in *TBT, a free daily paper published by the St Pete Times. In that same issue was a letter to the editor. A reader had seen another ad with a photo of a fungus-afflicted toenail, and she was so traumatized that she swore she’d never read the paper again.

      LurkerType’s comment led to an epiphany: there’s no reason we have to settle. We can eradicate toenail fungus and blast the galactic center at the same time.

      Probably wouldn’t want to get the lasers mixed up, though. 😉 Thanks for your comment, and I’m glad you’re better.

  2. I have lasers at work. thye cut metal and stuff. You could put your eye out with one. So, be careful looking at that picture without proper eye protection. M’kay? Or you might get toenail fungus.

  3. There was an episode on Big Bang Theory in which the nerds shot a laser beam to the moon and then watched it get reflected, right? Something along those lines, anyway.

    It’s when Penny realised Leonard ruined dumb guys for her forever.

    Ah, lasers.
    I just want a shark with a laser beam attached to it’s forehead.

  4. I think lasers should be used wherever and whenever possible. They are awesome. Toe fungus or the galaxy, I don’t care. MORE LASERS.

    • LT, you are absolutely right. This is the 21st Century. There’s no reason we should have to choose. By God, laser everything! You’ve convinced me. 🙂

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