Monday Night in NyQuil Village


This cold has really started to piss me off.  Saturday night, I felt reasonably on the mend. Then Sunday was a bit “meh.” Monday, I awoke feeling like crap again.

I’m not whining.  I know it’s just a cold.  Believe me, I know that in the pantheon of illness, this is a minor inconvenience.

I have a free-lance job editing/rewriting the newsletter articles for a homeowners association in Tampa.  Every month or two, they e-mail me articles their volunteers write, and I Freshman Comperize them, adding commas, correcting tenses, etc.  In other words, I’m fixing other people’s stuff, not Tom-ifying the newsletter.  If I did…

Ginger Sister hit the University Parkway exit ramp at 90, downshifted, and headed west. Ahead on the left, she saw the 7-Eleven where she was to receive her orders.  The gull-wing door opened, and Ginger Sister hopped out of the Maserati, making sure the punky teens with droopy pants and sideways hats caught a glimpse of her chromed Desert Eagle.

“Don’t even THINK it, you little pudwhackers.”

Ginger walked into the store.  “Good Lord,” she thought. “Every 7-Eleven is laid-out the same.”  She grabbed two packs of pink coconut Hostess Snowballs, a three liter jug of screwtop wine, and a handful of beef jerkies.  She never knew what her partner’s munchies would require.  “This and a pack of Kool 100’s.”

Ginger Sister dropped a fifty on the counter, grabbed her bag, and walked back out to the parking lot.

By now, a big black Escalade was parked next to the Maserati. 

“You ready?” The husky voice of the red-haired girl in black leather asked.

“Glad you made it, Linds.  I was afraid you’d have to go back to jail or rehab or Azkaban.”

Lindsay Lohan smiled at her best friend. “Nah.  Wouldn’t miss this for the world.”

Ginger Sister hit the remote button, and both doors opened. 

“What are we doing?”
“I hate to say it.  Just drive.”

Lindsay pulled out a specially programmed GPS unit, and gave directions. The big coupe rumbled through Riverwood Hills, never exceeding the 25 mph speed limit.

“It’s just around the next curve on the right.”

And there it was.  The home of Vernon and Tabitha Blankenship, with a minivan parked on the grass and a garage door in dire need of painting.  The girls gasped at the blatant deed restrictions violations.

“Okay, Gingie.  You take care of the door, and I’ll correct the car.”

Lindsay grabbed her gym bag and crawled under the minivan.  On the grass below the gas tank, she dumped out a quart of granulated pool chlorine. She twisted the lid off of a conetop can of brake fluid.  Then she poured the fluid over the chlorine.

She squirmed out from under the van, just as Ginger Sister launched her LAWS rocket at the filthy, ugly garage door. The girls jumped back in the car, and roared off into the night.

As they sped back by the Blankenship home, Lindsay’s chemicals had reacted, causing a giant white-hot flame, which ignited the gas tank, and released a cloud of toxic chlorine gas.  The garage was blown to bits, and the girls could hear the boom as the minivan exploded.

“Bet those dumbasses will never violate their deed restrictions again,” said Lindsay, drinking deeply from the bottle.  “God, I could go for a Snowball right now.”

Ginger Sister smiled, and tossed a pack of pink snack globes to her best friend.

“Who loves ya, Linds?”

Yeah.  I don’t get to write stuff like that for the HOA newsletter.  But at dinner tonight, Abby paid me, and I went to Walgreens and bought some NyQuil, and thus I think I’ll feel better tomorrow.  Have a great Tuesday, and for God’s sake, you don’t want to see what Ginger Sister and LiLo will do if your lawn is overgrown.


9 Responses to “Monday Night in NyQuil Village”

  1. oh man, colds suck. hope you feel better after the NyQuil dreams. Big N small y BIG MOTHER FUCKING Q!

  2. christinaheart Says:

    Nyquil always seems to make me feel more like ass. I hope it never has that effect on you. Haha.

    I’m all about Tylenol Cold. I’ve only ever used the day variety… but then again, I rarely need to be asleep and almost always need to be awake.

  3. I love Nyquil. 🙂 I hope it does the trick and you feel better soon. 🙂 (Like now, now would be good.)

  4. Freedom Smith Says:

    I hope you feel better soon!

    I really enjoyed your version of their newsletter and think that yours is, no doubt, much more entertaining and amusing. Don’t forget to include that Lindsay is in a bit of trouble over a “spray tan formula” and that she has proclaimed herself to be “of sound mind!” Oh no, wait. That just sounds too unplausible 😉

  5. 🙂
    Even though I want you to feel better, my memoirs are never as fun as when the nyquil is your special friend.

    • I had to work to find a pic of your car without showing your license tag. Thanks again for enforcing deed restrictions, and especially for not suing me.

  6. I’m sorry about the cold, but at least the Return of Snotstock has amused the rest of us.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: