Saturday Mental Chex Mix

  • Some,  unusual things happen.  Today just seems to be one of those days where my brain is operating in a different format than the world.
  • It’s sorta like seeing “Pushing Daisies” after watching 24: the over-saturated colors made everything dreamy.
  • No, I didn’t drop acid before work.  I’m just high on life (and Diet Dr Pepper)
  • And what was Dr. Pepper’s background? I can’t imagine he was an Endocrinologist, Psychiatrist, or especially a Dentist (sugar and caramel coloring are typically not prescribed in the Dentist’s formulary).  In the list of common medical specialties, you don’t see “Pepper” between “family practice” and “Internal Medicine.”
  • When I worked at the TPC Prestancia, we had a member who was named Ronald Doctor.  He was an Optometrist. 
  • He was Dr. Doctor.  No lie.
  • When I was in high school, I underwent a two-day testravaganza at Eckerd College’s Career and Personal Counseling Center.  Their results strongly recommended that I become an Optometrist.
  • This would be brilliant! I’m intelligent! Personable! Kind!
  • …and I have this thing about eyes. 
  • Seriously, eyes freak me out.  When a Visine commercial comes on TV, I either look away or change channels.  When my own Optometrist (Dr. Shettle) told me I needed glasses, he offered to fit me for contacts.
  • I laughed my ass-tigmatism off. 
  • Strangely, I’m not squeamish.  Blood and guts don’t bother me.  I cut a wart off of my own ankle once.  Dear Lord, after the Fournier’s Gangrene adventure, nothing freaks me out. 
  • Except eyeballs.  I don’t get it.
  • So I was thinking…this huge battery of tests and interviews decided I’d be perfect for the job that I’m organically incapable of doing.  What does that say?
  • Sometimes, I feel like I’m a giant collection of data.  If you ask me a question, I’ll answer it.  There are billions of infobits in my noggin, swirling around. If you could go into my mind with a broom, and organize things, you could probably make a case for any number of ideal career choices.
  • The thing is, having the data doesn’t mean the conclusion is valid.
  • It’s the same way that I like peanut butter, shrimp, and jalapeno cheese dip, but I wouldn’t want them combined in a bowl.
  • I’m a walking non sequitur.
  • Were I to ponder what makes humans human, I’d describe us as a "mind" (giant swirls of individual data nuggets (thoughts, memories, factoids)) controlled by a powerful, intangible force or "soul."
  •  The new Dorkphone Ultra-Turbo 9500 XL has taken a picture of the mind and soul:

  • Basically, the “soul” is what makes us use the data nuggets the way we do.

  • For example, a vector-borne biomedicist’s soul might use mosquito data nuggets  to control malaria or dengue fever in poor countries.  My tom soul just thinks bugs are cool.
  • Oddly, bug eyes never annoyed me.
  • Holy shit, maybe I’m really an insect!
  • If I were, I’d want to be in family Reduviidae.  They look like bugs from a Transformers movie.


    • And they’re what entomologists call “true bugs.”

  • Proper.  Don’t mess with us, else we’ll pop a proboscis in yo’ ass, ‘cause we’re the True Bugs.
  • I apologize for the previous sentence. 
  • So today is one of those days where things look odd.  A large fuzzy cat ran out from under my truck.  I’ve seen her before—my neighbors and I feed her and give her water—so I wasn’t freaked out or anything.  But it was a little odd.
  • Then I saw the real-life wheelbug.
  • In actuality, it was a guy on a ninja motorcycle, speeding up MLK.  He (the biker, not Dr Martin Luther King) was wearing a backpack, out of which extruded the handles of two softball bats.  These handles extended above his shiny black helmet, thus resembling two antennae.
  • A day that starts with a Speedy Ninja Bug blasting north at 80 mph just has to be interesting.
    • I just hope said bug’s guts wash off of my windshield.
  • ‘Cause the True Bugs don’t play nice with Speedy Ninja Bugs, savvy?
  • Once again
  • …sorry.
  • Have a great weekend!
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    22 Responses to “Saturday Mental Chex Mix”

    1. I had a whole other idea of where "testravaganza" might be going, it being your post and not someone else's and remembering your Fournier's adventure.
      I used to read the ER recaps on Television Without Pity. The recapper assigned to that show had a thing about eyes grossing her out. So if she had to recount an episode with eye injuries in it, she would substitute the word "toe" for "eye".
      Just sayin' you're not alone in the eye-squeamishness thing.

    2. Wow, totally awesome post. I had no idea anyone elses mind worked like this. I thought I was alone :-)A few observations. The post looks great on the black background of your page. On my blog, with a white background, I cannot read it, so I come over to your page.I love, adore, wish I could mainline Diet Dr. Pepper. I just had to mention that. Also, we have an MLK Blvd as well. I don't mind eyes, in fact, I think I can tell a lot by gazing into a person's eyes but bugs freak me out, especially spiders. Oh, and those huge camel crickets we get. The only other odd thing that freaks me are "beaked creatures" because I was once chased by a goose, no joke. I particularly enjoyed the visual of the guy on the motorcycle with the bats sticking up above his helmet. That is just too funny!! In a final quirk of happenstance , my son applied to go to Eckerd College but did not get the tuition remission spot, so he ended up at Bellarmine University in Louisville, Kentucky. My daughter, however, says she would love to go to Eckerd because she loves the ocean, the sun, and would like to study marine biology. I am not quite sure if she could make into such a program but when you mentioned Eckerd College, I could not believe it!!

    3. Oh good heavens, Freedom, you are SO not alone. :)I think that Vox attracts peeps with this wonderful flow-flood-deluge of consciousness. I loved the entire post, Tom!I am not squeamish about eyeballs. Once, whilst waiting for the ophthamalogist I studied the giant wall sized chart of the eyeball and became enthralled. Can anything be more miraculous than an eyeball????Well, I can't seem to spell ophthalmologist …..but, nevertheless. 😀 Oh! Success…I added the middle "l". YAY!I am trying to think of something I AM squeamish about. I sort of "squeam" when someone brings a toe in a cup to Micro for a culture. But…then I get over it.Spiders sort of make me squeamish. The thought of letting a tarantula walk on my arm. Nope. Don't like that. In any case…I love your brain and all of the rest of us with swirling swishing brains! Long may we swirl! 😀

    4. I understand your confuzzlement about testravaganza. For that same reason, I doubt I'd ever buy a Ferarri Testarossa.
      Yeah, that's the reason. Not that they were $250,000 dollars. It's because it's bright red and called Testarossa. lol
      Have a great weekend.

    5. btw, I'm about bugs the way you are about eyes. So I had to scroll ever-so-carefully while reading your post to avoid having that insect visible.
      I'll do my best. Not sure if "great" is within reach, but I might manage "good".

    6. Geese are mean, and they make excellent security animals. When I worked for–ironically–Sarasota County Mosquito Control, one of our trap sites was guarded by a goose. The goose finally stopped hassling me after a week or two. Not a stupid animal at all.
      Eckerd has a great marine biology program, as well as an excellent volleyball team. I know your daughters play. Also, there used to be a Presbyterian discount, but I don't know if that's still in effect.
      USF's St Petersburg campus also has an excellent marine biology program. Just so you know. 🙂

    7. I get a little gurgly when people bring me a cup with a toe in it, too. I have to scold them, "Cup of JOE! JOE! With a J!" 😉 Sorry. You have a fun swirly brain too, Lauri. I imagine working in the poo lab, you'd have to be delightfully twisted. Happy Weekend!

    8. "Cup of JOE! JOE! With a J!" ;-)Too funny!!! Good one, Tom. No toes in the Dr. Pepper either!!

    9. I was sort of Switzerlandian on bugs when I was young. Working for mosquito control for 3 summers, and looking at them under a microscope for hours a day, I grew to appreciate the beauty of them. Yeah, mosquitoes are bloodsucking pests, but some of them are beautifully designed. (The irridescent, mother-of-pearl scale patches on a fresh Aedes aegyptii are just gorgeous, like the metallic purple and gold Psorophora ferox (making a strong case for my geekdom, no?))
      I was reading a book a couple weeks ago, and Wind was chilling beside me. A spider dropped out of nowhere. Wind glommed on it like a frog with a fly. And, being tuxedo-clad, he looked quite elegant doing so. ("Canape, Mr Bond?" "Yes, thank you.")
      Humans freak me out, though.

    10. Unless Dr. Pepper was a podiatrist, of course. 😉

    11. LOL!! There is a doctor here named Dr. Pain….I don't think I would choose him!

    12. Speaking of pain, you mentioned a phobia of beaked creatures. Reduviidae have a nasty proboscis called a "rostrum," which is most commonly referred to as a BEAK!

    13. Walking non sequitur. Nice!

    14. I wonder if Dr. Pepper and Sgt. Pepper were related?

    15. I just touched my eyeball. Oooh, I just touched it again. Feels squishy but hard at the same time. Sorry for bailing on you in chat last night. Your obvious boredom (I just typoed "boredoom", lol) must have bored me right to sleep. That, and I didn't realize it was one thirty in the morning and I hadn't slept yet.

    16. Bwahahaha!!! Cup o' toe! I'll use that next time. One of our pathologists (finding himself to be quite the humorist) always announces "Why use a chair when you can have a stool?" when he brings us a poop.

    17. My podiatrist is Dr. Hirt. But, he doesn't. 🙂

    18. OMG…..does he say that every time? LOL!! When I take my cultures from my cough in to the lab at the hospital, there is one woman that works there that will not handle what she calls "spit." She has no problem (I asked) with stool or other types of cultures, just spit. Odd. I guess we are all different but I would gladly handle spit over the alternative. And I use a cup from them and I seal it off with tape and use the plastic bag they give me so there is not chance that it will leak. But I guess we all have our idiocencricies! One very funny story. One night, Mr took my coughing culture into the hospital lab (as described above) and the lady looked up and asked him, seriously, if it was a sperm culture. LOLOLOL!!

    19. Oh my! That was a bit personal of her to ask that! LOL!We do all have our phobias and squeams. One girl has a complete fit whenever we get a toenail clipping in for fungus cultures. She practically throws them at me. (in the cup of course)!!I am so glad that there are people who can handle all the different things that come up in life.

    20. You are right, Lauri. Thank goodness there are all kinds of people and that some of them do not have a problem with cultures, drawing blood, and things of that nature!

    21. Everything mentioned above, I am squeamish about. Well, of the icky stuff. I'm good with Dr. Pepper and tuxedo cats, of course.

    22. Dr. Pepper…I am squeamish! 😉

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