Wednesday Evening Mental Chex Mix

  • This girl at work has a new hairstyle.  It's short and punky, and darned cute.  It really looks nice.  I told her, "Your new hair looks great!"
  • She smiled and said, "Thank you!"
  • This other girl at work was wearing new jeans that showed off her previously unnoticed–yet spectacular!–butt.  I told her, "Your new ass looks great!"
  • Then I hit the "DUMP" button on my mental 7-second delay, and just said "Hi, Christina!"
  • She smiled and gave me a hug.
  • Perhaps she was listening to the pre-delay feed.
  • If you didn't know, the radio stations where I've worked have used the Eventide Broadcast Delay.  This lifesaving apparatus has a bunch of buttons that do stuff, then a big glowing yellow button that says "DUMP!"
  • Basically, it takes everything that you broadcast, and holds it for 7 seconds.  If you say, "WXYZ. That was Meat Puppets from `Too High to Die.' I'm Tom and we have Rammstein coming up," you wouldn't do anything.
  • Except work at a pretty hip radio station.
  • If you were to say, "WXYZ, that was FUCKING SHIT!" you'd hit the "DUMP" button at once, and your perjorative would never make it to air. 
  • This is a great invention.
  • Perhaps ironically, the girl with the new hairstyle and the girl with the new buttstyle just walked out together.
  • But I was left hugless. (pause for weeping and gnashing of teeth)
  • So last night–my night off–after I got back from watching the sunset with Nicole (meaning that "Nicole and I went to watch the sunset," not "the Sun took Nicole with him/her below the horizon at 7:43pm EDT), I started rereading "The Exorcist." It was up to a pretty freaky part.  I was lying on my bed.  Wind was beside me, sprawled out on his back asleep (when he does this, due to his tuxedo, he looks like Cary Grant or James Bond drank too much and passed out).  Ana-Sofia Vargas crept up from behind, touched my left shoulder, and said, "MRAAAAH!"
  • Thankfully, my bowels also have a seven-second delay, or it could've gotten ugly.
  • Ana-Sofia Vargas is probably a bit meaner than Pazuzu, the demon in "The Exorcist," although–God bless her–she doesn't projectile vomit or do unsavory things with Crucifixes.
  • At least that I've seen.
  • Wind is the go-to cat for noxious odors.
  • Confidential to Jen P: Maligayang bati sa iyong kaarawan, sugarbooger.  Nawa'y pagpalain ka ng Diyos ng marami pang kaarawan!
  • Oh, and "Ipagpaumanhin po ninyo ang aking pagkakamali.  Patawarin po ninyo ang aming mga magkakamali"
  • Confidential to Ann-Marie O: "I totally heard Fleetwood Mack's `The Chain' on my way into work today.  All I could think of when they sang `Damn your love! Damn your lies!' was how you used to pantomime being ravaged by Mick Fleetwood.  I totally miss you for that delightful twistedness."
  • Confidential to those who make medical display models to show what atherosclerotic clogged arteries look like: "Stop making them look like sushi! It's gross!"
  • Confidential to my papaya: बधाई हो! मैं तुमसे प्यार करती हुँ।

  • Confidential to Brutus: "Et tu??"
  • Dammit! I forgot to exfoliate today!!!
  • Well, and every other day of my life.
  • It troubles me that I just looked at my arm and thought, "Arm? You need to be exfoliated and moisturized."
  • I really need to cut back on the caffeine. 
  • That's all for now.  Have a great Thursday.
  • ADDENDUM: In a new first for sloth, I have somehow managed to pull a hamstring while sitting at my desk! Yay, team!

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8 Responses to “Wednesday Evening Mental Chex Mix”

  1. I like the 7-second delay. As I was reading your post and thought you had actually said to the girl that you liked her new butt, I was beginning to laugh. Then I saw your delay button saved the day. LOL. As for all of the confidential messages: the rest of us feel a bit pouty now. Perhaps if we post pictures of our new jeans, we will get confidential messages too? (kidding) Ok…now go exfoliate!

  2. I've looked online, but I can't find a Hindi translation for "exfoliate," regardless of what anyone's butt looks like. 😉
    The 7-second delay is something I've had to work hard to implement in real life. It's so easy to say something under stress, and really mess up a relationship.
    Of course, it's a metaphor: if you really waited seven seconds before saying things, you'd sound like you were on a satellite delay from, say, Venus.
    Happy Thursday, Freedom.

  3. Love you too, Tom 🙂

  4. I must learn to utilize this 7 second delay. Although, I would have loved it if someone told me they liked my new butt. Unless they said it really creepy-like.

    There was a trashy looking man who was hitting on my sister at a gas station. He asked if she was married and then told her she was "a goddess" and that she belongs "on a cruise ship." He then went on to ask her if she'd like to go with him on his upcoming cruise. Her story sounded quite creepy. And hilarious. The guy apparently had a mullet with hair down to his lower back.

  5. LOL…Mr has a tendency to go into a 1 or 2 minute trance after being asked a question. When we were first married, I would say things but now I know just to sit and wait. If it goes past the two minute mark, however, sometimes I wonder if he has fallen to sleep and I say, "Are you thinking?" I watch as other people communicate with him and get confused. I have tried to explain to him that most people give clues that they are listening (we make "mm-hmm" noises or we nod our heads) but somehow his parents did not teach those listening cues to him. But people that know him are used to it. I noticed his mother was even like that on the phone, lol. Made for real interesting conversations (cough, cough).

  6. When it doubt, compliment the piece of clothing rather than the body part. "Nice jeans!" works when "Nice butt!" might get you slapped.

  7. So you had to take a dump of someone else's ass.I feel we have a deep spiritual connection b/c of the similarity of our cat situation. Luckily, changing our tux's diet helped with the stank.Also, I too wrench muscles and joints sitting down, or sleeping.

  8. Nyahaha. Thanks!I have to correct this though: aming mga magkakamali — should have been "aming mga pagkakamali" 🙂

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