Archive for March, 2010

60 Seconds of Zen

Posted in Uncategorized on March 31, 2010 by tom

Upham Beach, Florida.  Happy Tuesday. 🙂

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Uh-Oh

Posted in Uncategorized on March 25, 2010 by tom

I have always had a sort of dislike-hate relationship with Facebook.  Yeah, I have an awesome farm in Farm Town, but somehow I've accumulated 255 friends.  How? I don't know 255 people at the moment.

Being reasonably unstupid, I can look at my list and surmise.  Many of these friends are former schoolmates whom I haven't talked to in decades.  We add each other, maybe exchange a message or two, then go back to silently wishing each other well.  Many, too, are people I've never met.  Either they are fellow farmers, or friends-of-friends, and they add me.  I hate rejecting somebody who adds me, because I'm worried I really DO know him or her, and just have forgotten.  Lord knows my memory core has Swiss cheese-like holes.  Some of my "friends" are coworkers–present or past–and I confirm them.  Who knows? Maybe networking will come into play.  Many of my Facebook friends are also my Vox neighbors, the coolest, most intelligent and fetching group of people ever assembled.  It is these Voxers–like GB, Shushie, Drude, Ginger Sister–with whom I share important information, salient facts, and brilliant discourse.

Most of the other people? Well, do I really care that somebody I was in 11th Grade with had a difficult bowel movement?

Facebook has always seemed perplexing, if innocuous.

Until today.

I was shocked to realize that Facebook is no longer just a pain in the ass.  It can lead to pain in far worse areas.  Per a headline in The Telegraph,

Facebook 'linked to rise in syphilis'

Facebook has been linked to a resurgence in the sexually-transmitted disease syphilis, according to health experts.

Shockingly, it isn't cyber-syphilis from having cyber-relations with cyber-sheep.  It's actual bone-ified VD.  The story goes on to explain that people are meeting on Facebook, then going and having unprotected sex.  I'm sorry, but I wouldn't have sex with a woman who allowed me to pick her up on the internet.  Syphilis? That would be the least of my worries.  I'd want to boil myself, scared of syphilis, anthrax, hoof-and-mouth, trichinosis, Hepatitis A through X, herpes, HIV, bedbugs, and viruses that exist only in CDC researchers' worst nightmares.

Then again, with some people, it's a miracle they have any real human contact at all.  We're becoming a world of data sets.  As philosophical wunderkindern, Goo Goo Dolls, observed, "You bleed just to know you're alive." Maybe getting syphilis means you're actually alive, just crazy and with sore junk.

Either way, I shall continue to use both condoms and Norton Anti-Virus just in case.

Happy Thursday!

 

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Handy Alphabet Instruction

Posted in Uncategorized on March 14, 2010 by tom
  • A is for asshole, andirons, Antarctic! Andironing assholes is always catharctic;
  • B is for bugger and bollocks and bird! B gives a powerful start to a word;
  • C is for Clinton and charming but caught; alas Ms Lewinsky, Bill's spouse she was not;
  • D is for dreary, deflated and doom; depressive declaimers suck joy from a room;
  • E is for Elvis, his fans scream, agog!; too many fried sammiches arteries clog;
  • F is for fiddlesticks, freak-out and f**k; if you say that last one, you might better d**k.
  • G is for groaning, and gassy and glib; Ms Norris's owner, old Filch, is a squib;
  • H is for harridans, heartless and harsh; by rights my ex-devilbitch drowns in a marsh;
  • I is for irony, itchy, and impish; a man who runs prostitutes might be called pimpish;
  • J is for Jacksons, like Joe and Jermaine; Michael is gone, but his songs still remain;
  • K is for klonopin, helping us kope; at least it sounds better than whiskey or dope;
  • L is for lovely and Latin and lose; God I'm in love with Penelope Cruz;
  • M is for magical, muggle and more; that damn Pansy Parkinson seems like a whore;
  • N is for nice, and for naughty as well; my "colorful" language may damn me to hell;
  • O is for ossification and old; our old friend El Nino has made it quite cold;
  • P is for prostitutes, pleasure, and pus; Joan of Arcadia's dad's name is Russ;
  • Q is for quackery, quagmire, and queen; a punch to the ribs could imperil your spleen;
  • R is for rhyming, revolting and rude; my meter is jumpy, my subjects quite crude;
  • S stands for solid, and stoic and staid; all fabulous traits, but they won't get you laid;
  • T is for Tigger, the meth-addled toon; Pooh may be stupid, but this cat's a loon;
  • U is for uvula, unloved and uke; syrup of ipecac sure makes you puke;
  • V is for victory, hearty and hale; Kim Basinger did make a hot Vicky Vale;
  • W bugs me; it seems self-important; "I need three syllables!" What a dick. W doesn't deserve comedic meter or rhyme;
  • X is for xylophone, xenon, and xi; my ex-girlfriend's birthday was late in July;
  • Y is for yeoman, and yogi and yam; "YAY" say Hawaiians to eggs and fried Spam;
  • Z is for zebras, all stripey and fast; you've suffered this far, so thank God Z is last.

For the sake of civilization, please do your utmost to insure this gets added to curricula everywhere, and have a great weekend. 😉

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Thursday Night Mental Chex Mix

Posted in Uncategorized on March 12, 2010 by tom
  • First off, I'd like to thank the people at Motorola for creating the SuperGeeq Ultra-Dorkphone 9500 Turbo XLT.
  • Finally, I have a phone with all the features I need to be a successfully nerdy person in today's world.  For example, where would I be without Google Sky Map? With one touch, I can access this feature, aim it at the sky, and confirm that the big white thing is actually The Moon. 
  • Before, I was never sure.  What if it weren't a 7.347 7 × 1022kg large satellite 238,000-odd miles away, but an unbaked Pilsbury Crescent roll about 10 feet above me?
  • Hey, this could happen.  Cast not thy aspersions to the wind, for they shall come back upon thee sevenfold.
  • This is why Atlantis sank–an overload of soggy aspersions and falling refrigerated dough nuggets.
  • If you know me at all, you know that I loathe crowds.  A week ago, I found myself in the middle of the biggest mosh-pit of humanity since…well, since I was in an actual mosh-pit of humanity. 
  • Oh, that was fun–the one back in the halcyon days of slam-dancing.  I wasn't especially popular amongst my fellow slam-dancers.  This is because I was a muscular 7.347 7 × 1022kg  my own bad self, and–while my escape velocity wasn't an issue, my large, ham-like elbows were.
  • So last Tuesday, I experienced a phenomenon I hadn't experienced since college: the The Golden Corral.
  • Yes, The Golden Corral sounds like some Elysian stable where Pegasus is fed and watered.
  • Nope.  It's a chain of all-you-can-eat buffet restaurants, where really hungry people are fed and watered. 
  • In the case of the Golden Corral last Tuesday, really hungry, really old people.
  • Seniors, you see, eat for only $5.95 before 4pm. 
  • We arrived at 3:45 pm. 
  • We had to wait for one of the 500 or so tables to open up.
  • I felt like Gulliver in a Liliputian retirement home.  Seriously, there were about 2000 people, none of whom were up to my neck even, and they were all doddering hither and yon, plates heaped with various forms of chicken, meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, and some foodstuffs the Creator couldn't identify.
  • I was a skeert.
  • Back in college–perhaps before going slamdancing–we would occasionally go to all-you-can-eat buffets after partaking of a certain herbal appetite enhancer.
  • This is why most of these establishments are no longer solvent.  Nothing like 500 munchies-afflicted college kids to eat you out of bidness.
  • So the new SuperGeeq Ultra-Dorkphone 9500 Turbo XLT has a gazillion apps available, including ones that would provide calorie counts, fat grammage, cholesterol totals, etc, for the various Golden Corral selections.
  • It also has the ingenious new ArterioScan app.  This is an actual scan taken at the Golden Corral.  The top images came from an old lady who piled four pounds of meatloaf on her plate, then topped it with pulled pork, soft-serve vanilla ice cream, mashed potatoes, brown gravy
  • and candy sprinkles..  The bottom scan is from the lone person eating salad:

Know what? Fuck it.  I've amended and finished this stupid thing three different times, and Vox has eaten it.  I understand

we all need to make money, but when I get an "unresponsive script" error, I'm inclined to blame it more on the stupid

ad over there —————————-> than on my torpid, uninspired prose.

 

I swear, absolutely the ONLY reason I still blog here is because the people are awesome. 

 

Maybe Vox would work better if the servers were as powerful as my new dork-ass phone, and they had a little QC just to

make sure, say, the site works.  Every time. Sheesh.

Happy Friday. (sfx: head explodes in frustration)

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