Archive for October, 2009

Sunday Headlines from the Tom Zone

Posted in Uncategorized on October 18, 2009 by tom

In response to scanning the radio on my way home from breakfast:

While I admit freely that I have had "fun" during many nights, at no point have I ever felt compelled to "Wang Chung tonight," either alone or with "everybody."  However, I will agree with Mr Osbourne that I have gone off the rails on a crazy train.  Then again, if you know me at all, that's certainly no revelation.

Alarming trend: I've received the same e-mail from four different people in the past 24 hours. 

It's worth a shot!

————-cid:449472113@30072009-3131——————————————————————-
cid:449472113@30072009-3131

anna.swelung@ ericsson.com

Ericsson T18 & R320 laptop promotion
I
DID check Snopes – it IS legit … They're trying to match a recent deal by Nokia!

 

  • I'm sure it IS TRUE! And if you forward it to 30 people, Papa Johns will automatically deliver two free extra large pizzas to your door! If you forward it to 40 people, your property taxes will be paid for the next three years, courtesy of a fund put together by Bill Gates, Starbucks, and Applebee's restaurants.  For 50 people–just FIFTY PEOPLE–any person of your choosing will be either cured from or given the ailment of your choice.   If you send this on to 60 people, Jessica Alba will come into your living room during the sporting event of your choice, do a striptease, then mount you in whatever sexual position you desire.  For 70 people, Jessica Alba will bring a friend–male, female, or shemale–and they will have sex in a pool of your choice of Jello, olive oil, or sausage gravy, before taking you into the shower, washing you down with luxurious  pomegranate shower creme, rubbing you with fragrant oils, then engaging you in a three-way that will make your toes explode and your eyebrows singe.  For 80 people, President Obama will launch one Tomahawk missile wherever you want it to go.  Kid next door playing his stereo too loud? Boss pissing you off? Forward this to 80 people, and have them blown up! Forward this to 90 people, and you will be given the reins of a TV network, which you can program with whatever shows you want at whatever time you want.  Just send this to 100 people, and a Frenchman will ring your doorbell and hand you the keys to this:
  • YES! Your own $1.5 million, 1001 horsepower Bugatti Veyron.  IT'S 100% TRUE! I looked it up on Snopes! And CNN reported it, and it was in USA Today, and my friend's aunt's cousin works with somebody who did this, and today, she's wheeling around at 254 mph, launching missiles at her enemies, while she computes on her new Sony Ericsson computer, and enjoys aftertingles from being massaged and mounted by Jessica Alba and a transsexual Thai stripper named Jasmine, who smelled of frangipani blossoms and Papa John's Italian Meats Trio!

  • IT'S WORTH A SHOT!!!!!
  • And it's worth the paper it's printed on.  Sadly, you can forward this e-mail to everyone you know, and all you'll get are rabid forwards from your more sheeplike friends, and rueful headshakes from the rest of us.
  • Snopes.com debunks it as a fraud, by the way.  Let the smoke clear from that bombshell.
  • The happiest mammal in Pinellas County this afternoon is–(sfx: drumroll, while Jessica Alba prints the envelope on my new computer)–Ana-Sofia Vargas!! (sfx: cheers and meowing)
  • Seriously, she's had her winter coat for the past month or more, and it's been in the 90's every day.  We just had our first real cold front go through, and our high today is only 65 or so.  I've had the sliding-glass door open for the past 48 hours, and she sits out in the cool air, lording it over the unfortunate, unfurred masses below, then bounds in here to my bedroom and tells me everything she saw.  
  • She's a judgmental little thing–I'll say that for her. 
  • I love the word "puppet."  I just read Christopher Moore's excellent novel, "Dirty Work," and one of the characters used the word "fuck-puppet" to describe certain high-class mistress-types who hang out in gyms all day.  I laughed every time I read that word, but upon reflection, I think it was because of the "puppet" component, not the f-bomb.
  • I have been an absolute jackass as far as Vox goes the past few months.  I haven't written much, and I haven't read much.  I've lost track of what's going on in my neighbors' lives.  That said, I have resolved to do NaBloPoMo in November.  That's short for National Blog Posting Month.  I did it last year, and by God, I'm going to do it again this year.  Many of my posts last November were weak, but I want to get back to writing more. 
  • Even if my farms and my island will suffer as a result.  😉
  • Another thing I want to do is write more about my wonderful experiences when I almost died and was in the hospital for five weeks.  It feels like something I need to expand beyond the couple posts I've done.  What I'll probably do is set up a different Vox site, and restrict it to Friends only.  If you would like access, shoot me a PM, and I'll add you.
  • Thanks for all your good wishes/prayers/etc for Eliza last Sunday.  Sadly, the donor lungs had a spot of infection on them, and were thus unusable.  Somebody else got a heart out of the ordeal, which is miraculous in itself.  Eliza (and Sara, et al) are still left waiting.  I'll keep you updated if I hear anything more.
  • Life here is good: ten fingers, ten toes, one belly button, a steady pulse, and two cats yin-yanged on the bed beside me.  Hope things are good for you too.
  • Happy Sunday.

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Sunday news, addendum

Posted in Uncategorized on October 12, 2009 by tom

Sara's sister, Eliza's Aunt Mindy, sent this to my e-mail.  It bears passing on:

Sara asks that as you pray for us, you also pray for the donor's family, who were kind enough to give something so precious so that Eliza will have a new life.  I can't find the words right now to convey how thankful we are.


Sara will write more when she can gets here.

This is a poem that Eliza wrote when she was 15 or 16.  Sara's been waiting for the day when she'd be able to have you read it.  It's entitled "For Those Who Wait."


For those who wait
For those whose daybreak seems so far away
For those who give
Although they don't know who we are
For those who hold
For those who keep us in their hearts
For those who pretend to understand
Even if they don't
And for those who are smart enough to know
That they never will
For those who greet us with muddy paws and furry tails
And help us forget, because they do not remember 
For those who bake up a storm
Because it's the only way they can think to help
For those who bring in the mail and water the plants
Because taking care of flowers is a symbol for taking care of you
For those who have the best of intentions
But only make things worse
For those who care enough to ask questions
And bravely step into the land of Aqu-ward!
For those who walk in and out too quickly 
But leave the New York Times in their wake
For those who play football
And quiz us on golf 
For those who sing songs to speak for us
And write comedies to let us laugh through the darkness
For little wizard boys
Who teach us that scars are something to be proud of 
For cute groups of brothers
Who can relate to us
To teachers who let us learn 
As slowly as we need to 
For those who believe in us
No matter what anyone else says
And for those who don't
Giving us another reason to prove ourselves 
For those who make us stronger
For those who help
But don't really care
For those who care
And therefore, help
And, mostly,
For those who stand in line at the DMV 
To help people who they will never know 
For those who make the hardest decision 
They could ever make
For those who say goodbye far too soon
So someone else doesn't have to 
For those who let go
So someone else can hold on
Thanks for your good thoughts and wishes for Eliza, Sara, and their families and doctors as they face this long, long-awaited night. 🙂

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Sunday news

Posted in Uncategorized on October 11, 2009 by tom

Hi.  Please send your prayers, good thoughts, healing vibes, white light–whatever you do–to Eliza H.  She's 17 years-old, and I worked with her mother, Sara, back in Tallahassee.  Eliza was born with numerous congenital heart defects, and wasn't supposed to live to her first birthday.  She's an extraordinary young woman, and she's a fighter.  Today, the doctors at Shands Hospital in Gainesville, Florida, found her a donor.  Eliza is scheduled for her transplant at 8pm tonight. 

Please, say one, concentrate, cross your fingers, light a candle–whatever.  Thanks, and happy Sunday!

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Friday snert in honor of the 45th Leif Ericson Day

Posted in Uncategorized on October 9, 2009 by tom

(Happy Friday!)

 

TWO OLD MEN DECIDED THEY WERE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS 
AND DECIDED TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. 
AFTER A FEW DRINKS THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL. 

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. 
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE." 

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD 
MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. 

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU 
KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"
 
"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"
 
"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."
 

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE–I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH." 
"A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
 

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW… TAKING MY TEETH WITH HER!!"

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Friday Night Mental Chex Mix

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on October 3, 2009 by tom
  • From the weird dream file: I was imprisoned in Nazi Germany, although (thank God) not in one of the concentration camps.  Apparently, I was incarcerated for something dumb, like drunk & disorderly conduct, or peeing on a dumpster.  Anyway, I was in a special prison in Hitler's personal tent compound.  Hitler, a lonely maniac, kept calling me to his office tent to talk about movies.  He liked that I was conversant with Leni Riefenstahl's work, and he really liked the film version of "Die Bleichstrommel," even though it wouldn't come out till 40 years after he died.  I got along with him fine, but I was working against him, stealing food and movie passes from his office and passing them out to my fellow prisoners.
  • I didn't feel bad for my subterfuge and theft.  I mean, I liked talking film with the guy–and his office tent was warmer than my prison tent–but I certainly disliked all the Hitlery things he did. 
  • But he had pralines, which I love, and which I stole and gave to my fellow prisoners.
  • Disclaimer: There is no historical documentation that Hitler ever ate a praline, much less stocked them in his office tent.  Hitler didn't seem like a praline kind of guy.
  • Wednesday, I had to travel the mile to my local Winn-Dixie supermarket.  People visit their supermarkets every day, and yet I HATE going to the store.  It's too big and bright and crowded.  And yet, they have some great things, like pre-made meatloafs.  So I was headed to the store, and the oldies station inexplicably–and completely without provocation–played Olivia Newton-John's, "I Honestly Love You."  Gah!
  • So I'm walking down the pre-made meatloaf aisle, and what does the "Winn-Dixie Radio" muzak thing play? Olivia Newton-John's "Please Mister Please." GAH, again!
  • Ironically, "Please Mister Please" figures in the film "Primary Colors," which stars Olivia Newton-John's "Grease" co-star John Travolta. 
  • Even more ironically, John Travolta is a Scientologist.  Tom Cruise is a Scientologist.  Mr Cruise recently starred in the film "Valkyrie," about a plot to kill my former dream captor and film buddy, Adolf Hitler.
  • Okay, that's a stretch even for me.
  • So I had my pre-made meatloaf, a bottle of Diet store-brand Chek Cola (which I prefer to Diet Pepsi), and some cat fuel, and I was ready to check out.  Both of the checkout lanes were busy, so I went to the customer service counter.  On a shelf behind the customer service lady were three displays: condoms, cigarettes, and Clint Eastwood DVD's. It seemed an odd trifecta of awesome.  I asked her why these three items were together, and she said "I guess people just like to steal cigarettes, condoms, and Clint Eastwood movies."
  • Sounds like a helluva date to me. 
  • Her answer displeased me for its lack of imagination.  Seriously.  It's so rare the Universe throws you a hanging comedy curveball, and I gave her one.  And she responds with that? Bah.
  • Her senses were probably addled by the dreadful Olivia Newton-John song.
  • I watched a movie the other night–I forget which one (which movie, not which night (although…))–and there was a certificate in the credits showing that the American Humane Society had monitored filming, and no animals were harmed.  Great! I'm all for animals not being harmed, unless they're being converted to pre-made meatloaf.  The thing is, there had been people blown to bits, stabbed, burned, beaten–you name it–but there was no such disclaimer certifying that the actors hadn't been harmed. 
  • I guess most people know that actors are acting, and they aren't being shot with real bullets, but then we do live in a world that requires "Warning: Contains Peanuts" notices on bags of peanuts.  Also, people shoot and beat and blow up each other all the time, but the most talked-about newspaper story this past week was that a golden retriever was eaten by an alligator.
  • Okay, that is sad.  Golden retrievers are great dogs.  Even a bad golden retriever–my brother calls my parents' short bus dog a "golden non-retriever"–is preferable company to most humans. 
  • Alligators are certainly not good company, although they really don't do very much except lay in the sun.
  • There's a new Facebook app called "Island Paradise," wherein you have your own little island, and you plant things and hang-out with whatever animals you buy or are given.  The most disturbing thing about this game is that your "friends" can visit your island and STEAL from you! Seriously. What kind of low-life steals a friend's yams, or absconds with a pint of ill-gotten goat milk?
  • I think there should be a Facebook app called "Scumbag Trailer Park." You could have your own meth lab, knocked-up girlfriend, pet python, pit bull, and rusted Chevy up on blocks.  Lord only knows what unsavory things your "friends" (and, doubtless, obnoxious relatives) would be able to do to your trailer.  "Your friend Bob visited your trailer in Scumbag Trailer Park, and shot your prize fighting cock after mounting your girlfriend.  Click HERE to visit Bob's trailer, and shoot his dog."
  • It's a good thing I can't design apps, or Facebook would be a verrrrrry different place.
  • Hope all is well with you, heading into this weekend, and that you–as I–have 10 fingers, 10 toes, one belly button, and a steady pulse.

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