The Tom Zone Mailbag

Once again, it's time to respond to a few letters from the voluminous Tom Zone Mailbag. 

Dear Tom,

I was just curious: are you Catholic? If not, I might have to change careers, which is hard to do at my age.


Pope Benedict

Dear Pope Benedict,

No, I'm not Catholic, although I had a strange dream last night that I am actually a lapsed Catholic.  Either way, I don't think you can count me among your flock.  I do respect some of the things you do.  And your namesake eggs are spectacular, with or without a hangover.  Still, let women be priests if they want to, and lay off on the birth control ban.  Also, I think Target's hiring old guys.




Les Paul's passing was truly sad.  Are there any other guitarists whose passing would truly sadden you?

Still mourning,

Johnny Guitar


I really want Keith Richards to live forever.  Really.   The man's been a cautionary tale for decades, and yet he still keeps going, like the Energizer Bunny, if the Energizer Bunny ran on Rebel Yell and ginger ale and snorted his own father's ashes.  The day he goes will absolutely suck-ass.

Did you know you're named after a weird Joan Crawford film? Just checking.



We love your "Ten fingers, ten toes, one belly button, and a steady pulse" updates in Things on Tuesday.  But you haven't posted ToT in a couple weeks.  Did you grow an extra belly button? Lose toes? What about Stacey?

What  gives?


Nothing Better to Worry About

Dear NB,

Yes, I'm sorry I haven't posted my Things on Tuesday recently. Tuesdays typically find me very busy sleeping all day.  Happily, it's still the one belly button, and ten fingers and toes.  Pulse? Steady.  Stacey reports the proper number of digits and navels, although her brakes are shot on the Urban Assault Vehicle, so her pulse races when somebody stops short in front of her.  It probably stops briefly when this happens in the rain.



With your weird-ass dreams and jovial madness, you're my personal bellwether for oddities.  What's the oddest thing you've seen recently?

Just curious,


Dear Nutter,

Glad you asked.  There was a thunderstorm earlier, and I went out on my balcony to enjoy the rain falling on Lake Tom.  The rain abated, and there was a person walking on the sidewalk.  I couldn't tell if it was a woman in a black and gray halter top, or a hirsute shirtless guy with man-titties.  The person kept walking closer, and I switched back and forth.  Finally, the person turned to go toward the mailboxes.  It was a middle-aged guy with man-titties.  And a hairy back. 

At least, I'm 85% certain.  Either way, it was odd, and I really should wear my glasses more often.  (then again, not).

Hope that helps,



HELP! I'm being eaten alive by small brownish mosquitoes every morning! Where do they come from? Hell itself? And what kind are they?


Bloodless in Largo


Do you have bromeliads?



YES! However did you know?

Bloodless, but Impressed in Largo


You have Wyeomyia vanduzeei breeding in your bromeliads.  They're harmless, but they are annoying.  Just flush your bromeliads' water cones regularly, or maybe put a drop of malathion in there.  Better yet, try not passing out on the front lawn every night.



I'm scared.  The guy on the radio says President Obama wasn't born in the US.  What does that mean?

Terrified in Ruskin

Dear Dumbass,

It means you're drinking paint.  Please stop. 

He was born in Hawaii, which was a U.S. state at the time.  (It still is, btw, despite my odd sentence structure)  This means that Barack Obama is an actual American.  With all the lunatic assaults from the Birthers, I'm starting to wonder if he doesn't secretly wish he had been born someplace else, like Iceland. 

Either way, I look at it this way: he has the keys to both the nukes and Air Force One, and those are the only two reasons to be President. .  It's his gig.



What's the weirdest compliment you've gotten recently? I like to keep track of these things.


A Fan

Dear Stalker,

An old HS friend and I chatted for a few hours online.  She told me she was going to bed about four times before she finally did.  I mocked her for this, of course.  Her response?

"You're addictive."

I love that.   Soon I'll be punitively taxed and banned in restaurants, like cigarettes or lapdances.


That's it from here.  Happy Wednesday. 

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11 Responses to “The Tom Zone Mailbag”

  1. There are a lot of lunatics shouting loudly into microphones right now.Weirdly enough, I do not count you as one of them. :)Happy Wednesday, Tom. Hope it's a good one!

  2. Soon I'll be punitively taxed and banned in restaurants, like cigarettes or lapdances.So, do you think whole new signs, or just write-in?

  3. All this shouting and posturing reminds me of the Wrestling Episode of Wren and Stimpy… LOL

  4. lol, why do I get the feeling that you stayed up wayy too late and made up all these questions for your own entertainment? lol.

  5. Sorry, other account.

  6. Kzinti, I think Ren and Stimpy were far more eloquent and balanced than many of the current bloviators…and less flatulent.

  7. I'm SHOCKED that you'd think I made up these questions! SHOCKED, I tell you. I just edited them for content, style, and existence. 😉

  8. Dear Tom,Do you ever get tired of growing ever more clever?Regards,IDon'tLikeMundanes

  9. Sleeping all day, you're my hero….I refer to days like that as "weekdays".
    I like the letter from the Pope. The best I ever get is Jehova's Witnesses coming to our door.

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