Psychic Vampires Beware

You are the most negative, abrasive person I've ever met, including detoxing steroid abusers and the guy who cleaned the cages at animal control.  If our employers brought you a giant Mounds bar, you'd bitch about how evil and stupid they were for not getting the Almond Joy, because you feel like a nut.  The reason you don't like your job is because you suck at it.  I can't help you get better, because you know everything.  If your face is getting sunburned, you'd bitch about the depleted ozone layer and how stupid The Incumbent is and blah-blah-blah, when all you needed to do was put on a fucking hat.  If somebody is happy, you point out that it must have been an oversight.  You tell everybody who'll listen that you hate your job.  I personally hate the occupant of your job.  I've tried to be nice to you–as I am to everybody–and I've tried to be tolerant of you–as I am of everybody.  When I heard you arguing politics with a lady, that was pretty much it.  She said she voted for McCain, but prayed that the right person win; that although she voted for the other candidate, she'd support Obama because he is her president.  It's a pretty eloquent thing to say, I think.  You found a way to shit on that.  I almost wish I'd argued on her behalf.  I didn't.  I just left the break room.

You are a psyching vampire, and I do not like your kind.  You are a miserable person, and you feel better when you drag everyone else down to your level.  That's fine.  I respect the rights of everyone to be their own person, even if that person is a ruiner of good times and happiness.  I also respect my own right to stay away from you.  Ann Marie comes back tonight.  She will bring a giant carafe of high-octane coffee.  We will be caffeine-fueled, and we will joke and have a good time.  There are parts of any job that suck.  ANY job.  God, anything that requires me to leave my cave at least sucks a little.  However, I've learned that I can amuse myself sufficiently wherever I go.  I reckon I'm like a phytoplankton, who can always find enough sunlight to photosynthesize and produce what I need.

I will be nice to you.  I will afford you the same amount of "nice" I give strangers.  If you ask me a question, I'll answer it.  If you try to engage me in negative conversation, I'll walk away.  I swear, you depleted hag, I don't know what's going on in your head.  I've had some pretty fucked-up things go on in my head over the years, but I've never resorted to psychic vampirism.  No matter how deep in my own Abyss I was, no matter how deep in depression or other things, I never tried to suck the happiness out of others' lives.  I kept my misery to myself. 

If you try to dampen our silliness, if you start complaining about the job I like or the company I like, I swear I'll stick a Crucifix in your face, and go all Van Helsing on you. 

"Where's _____?"
"Last I saw her, she was on the floor over by the bathroom, with a stake through her heart, and her detached skull sitting on the water fountain."
"Hmm.  I guess I'll get coffee instead."

Have a nice day.  If not, keep it to your damn self. 

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21 Responses to “Psychic Vampires Beware”

  1. If somebody is happy, you point out that it must have been an oversight.damn, Brother Tom. let her have it. with both barrels.

  2. I've been trying like crazy to stay away from those types of people. It's hard though. Because after they've worked their magic, it has a tendency to stick with me like a bad cold, or worse. It's just a miserable feeling to have their negativity swim around in my head. More positive vibrations, I say! More!

  3. It is your right to stay away from people like that. I've known a few over the years, and like you said, they can suck the life and happiness out of you, anyone, or anything. even out of a gorgeous sunset.
    I especialy get pissed at them, I have porphyria – the 'vampire' disease; no sun, I need blood – so when one of them comes along and tries to suck the little energy I have and steal the good I see in every day – I swear I contemplate jumping on them and biting them – just for the fun of it.
    If all sucks so much, why don't they do a swan dive off a highrise?

  4. Ha. Don't we all work with people like this???And have them in our families, too. Urrrrrgh. But, if I can sit safely inside my head and look out at them whilst thinking "Get thee behind me, damned psychic vampire!" it will make having to deal with them just a leetle bit easier! 😀

  5. …you depleted hag…
    … makes me think of the kind of tits that hang useless and empty to about the navel region. Awesome entry. Makes me feel a whole heap better about the extremely minor-league fuck-knuckles I've worked with. Thank you.

  6. "makes me think of the kind of tits that hang useless and empty to about the navel region. "
    shit, that's funny!!!!

  7. I recognize some of those traits in someone I used to live with. Emphasis on "used to". Well said, Tom.

  8. Swan dive off a highrise indeed. 🙂

  9. the kind of tits that hang useless and empty to about the navel region.Only an artist like you would come up with that image. Nice one. I also like "fuck-knuckles." Verrrry good.

  10. I still say it would be fun to stake them, though. 😉

  11. You're right, DJ: they get inside your head, and your whole day can be sullied. Even after they've moved on to ruin someone else's day.

  12. Glad to be of service.

  13. I am about to go spend the whole day shopping with a PV. I won't be allowed to stake her, but I can think about it. 😉

  14. "Swan dive off a highrise indeed. 🙂 "
    Seriously, when they're endlessly complaining, driaining, being miserable and spreading it all around, don't you just want to say,"Why don't you just go kill yourself?"

  15. Take her to the Olive Garden, or someplace else with lots of garlic. Make her viscerally uncomfortable. 😉

  16. There was a great recurring line in the film "Radio Days." Every time Uncle Abe's wife started complaining, he'd roll his eyes and say "Take the gas pipe." I use that line sometimes, but nobody gets it. Sadly, technology has killed a perfectly good line.

  17. Hey! We actually had a good time. My positive vibes were strong today, grasshopper! Haha!

  18. I've never seen you this scathing and angry. I love it.

  19. Run away Tom Run awaaaayyyy!!!!!! (Or just give her a roundhouse kick!!!! cleaner and faster than the stake and all)

  20. Thank God I studied the Buffy the Vampire Slayer film. 😉

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