Semper paratus

(I got this from Open Salon;  it cracked me up)

Focus on the Family: Rapture Preparedness Pamphlet

Dear Member of the Fellowship,

Focus on the Family wanted to write and inform you that; The Africanized He-Demon is slithering ever closer to the presidency of what has become a Godless country of whores and sodomites; our country, the formerly, God Blessed, United States of America. Each day he unhinges his jaw and swallows more and more Electoral College votes; devouring counties and states that were once full of God’s Warriors. These bastions of false righteousness have been willingly fooled by his forked tongue; the tongue that marks him as the Serpent King. 

As you know, through your individual Ministries, this means that The Rapture is finally at hand.

We here at Focus on the Family couldn’t be more excited and have decided to put out this pamphlet of useful items and helpful hints for the The Choosing. We want to make sure our members are the best prepared for the End Times, and can make it through the coming hell on earth, as comfortably as possible, before they are Called.

First, stay calm. As a member of Focus on the Family you are one of the chosen people, the real chosen people. James Dobson has spoken with our Heavenly Father and has been assured that God will pick you up in his celestial mini-van by no later than Friday at around 10 am, after which you will be dropped off at the pool of light, for an eternity of fun, friends and snacks. That means, at most you’ll only have to suffer through about 48 hours of the Angel of Darkness’s New World Order.

Since the streets will be flooded with legions of Black Satan’s, or (Blatan’s) undead liberal minions; Focus on the Family suggests that you stay in your homes until you hear Jesus honking. Try to think of fun activities for the entire family while you’re stuck indoors.

You could:

  1. Listen to the entire LEFT BEHIND series on audio-book.
  2. Take pot shots at the homosexual, Socialist, zombies, fornicating en masse on your front lawn, with your semi-automatic assault-rifle.
  3. Have a sing-a-long
  4. Make a Jello-Salad
  5. Talk about how much better than your slowly burning neighbors you are.
  6. Watch Nascar and Veggie-Tales.
  7. Pray for Democrats and foreigners to suffer a painful Judgment.  

The important thing is to keep occupied during The Fire. Idle hands are Obama’s workshop. Keep Duct-Tape and a few gallons of Mountain Dew on hand just in case.

If you have questions use the phone tree provided by your individual ministries. The one number and the most important number on all these phone trees is Kirk Cameron’s. He is the root of each phone tree but should be called only in case of emergency. Remember, Kirk Cameron has all the answers, and we should look to him for advice and guidance in all things personal and spiritual; or if Jesus is late picking us up. After all Kirk Cameron was on GROWING PAINS, he is a film and television superstar, who loves Jesus. He’s better than everyone else; twice over.

Finally, please remember that Focus on the Family has upped your monthly dues in light of the fact there will be no more months. Empty your bank account and get us the money by Wednesday night at the latest. Gas is not cheap. God is going to have to make a lot of trips, and the celestial mini-van has a monster tank to fill.       

Please find an attached list of necessary items for eternity.

 

You’re right, you’re always right, and so are we.

 

Jenny White

Senior Communications Official

Focus on the Family

 

Eternity Supply List:

  1. Wal-Mart Gift Card
  2. Guns
  3. Bibles
  4. Sun-block
  5. Swimsuit
  6. Towel
  7. A Hyman or Maidenhead (for the ladies only)
  8. Night Vision Goggles
  9. Meat

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15 Responses to “Semper paratus”

  1. Preparedness… What an ugly "word." Funny find, though.

  2. I got as far as "Africanized He-Demon is slithering ever closer to the presidency of what has become a Godless country of whores and sodomites", practically snorted my coffee and could go no further. Hilarious!

  3. Oh, sorry to double post, but do a Google search for Focus on the Family 2012 Obama's America. Read Dobson's article. Things that make you go eeek!

  4. Watch Nascar and Veggie-Tales.Awesome.

  5. I am guessing (hoping!) that this is a joke!

  6. That Dobson post is horrifying. I guess this satire isn't too far off the mark. Thanks for the heads up. Yikes.

  7. Okay, all my stuff is ready. On what side of the house will Jesus pick me up? Shall I call Kirk to ask?
    (Oh, and what happens if I don't have a hymen? I misplaced it years ago…..)

  8. what happens if I don't have a hymen?Perhaps that's what the Wal-Mart card is for (they seem to sell damn near everything else)

  9. LO)L. Probably next to the bullets and horse saddles…..
    (So glad I acame across your blog. I have to thank the Empress presonally for referring me…)

  10. Tom, I actually am printing off a copy of the 'real' (as opposed to this not too far from the truth) Dobson letter, and plan on sending a whole hell of a lot of accountability letters when, in 2012 we haven't descended into the pit of iniquity and torment that they think we will. 🙂 This was a really good giggle…thanks.

  11. It's not every day I have an Empress refer somebody. 🙂 Welcome.

  12. Good idea. The real one, which DJ alluded to, is just alarming. Dobson used to be a great guy, back when he was a family psychologist. Now? Wow.

  13. Yeah, I think the guy got wrapped up in his beliefs, and was probably unable to cope with how quickly things were changing. Wanting things he could "fight" against (I hate war language), I think he's been pointing at homosexuality, abortion, and other things "of the devil." I don't think that the disentegration of the family unit has anything to do with those things. Maybe I'm wrong. I know next to nothing about this man – just the crazy ideas.

  14. *disintegration:-|

  15. I actually posted something about this about a month or so ago, but I kinda take the position that he put himself into the political arena and lost sight of how to be anything but a politician, and then chooses his causes on what gives him the most power. I don't at all think this is conscious, but it it sad since he does it all in the name of God.

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