Archive for November, 2008

Sunday Mental Chex Mix

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on November 30, 2008 by tom
  • When I was in the hospital many moons ago, I remember seeing a commercial that made no sense to me.  I figured it was the Dilaudid, maybe, or all the oatmeal they made me eat.  I'd forgotten about it, until I saw it tonight.  It's the standard "earnest Americans" spot, where photogenic white people are caught carrying a tray of petunias across the yard, or carrying a towel poolside, then they say such things as, "It's time to say NO to processed foods." "It's time to say NO to additives and preservatives." "It's time to say YES to real food, rich in omega-3's. It's time to say yes to Hellman's."
  • Hellman's is mayonnaise, in case you were unclear on the subject. 
  • The gist of this spot is that since Hellman's is made with just oil, eggs, and vinegar, that–by damn–it's a real food, and thus we should all be serving it to our children. 
  • All natural mayonnaise is the key ingredient in chicken salad, turkey sandwiches, and massive coronaries.  Don't get me wrong: I love mayonnaise.  I think mayonnaise is just awesome, improving everything it touches.  Salads, sandwiches, fries, you name it, all become more palatable with mayonnaise. 
  • But selling it as a health food? I don't buy that. 
  • It would be like the Bourbon industry pointing out that a drink a day may do a body good.  "Yeah, but how do the other 15 drinks in each bottle affect me?"
  • Mayonnaise, now that I think of it, does NOT improve Bourbon.
  • I propose a new script for the commercial: "It's time to say NO to additives and preservatives." "It's time to say YES to real food, made with natural ingredients, like wheat, corn, and water.  It's time to say YES to Bourbon." Instead of the soccer moms feeding pretty sandwiches to their health-exuding spawn, they should show mom with a cocktail in her hand. 
  • Actually, I think it would be fun to show real-life commercials.  Instead of showing little kids and their adoring moms eating mayonnaise, they should show some huge guy in a CICU ward, eating mayonnaise while his heart monitor beeps uncertainly behind him. 
  • Ditto, I find it hilarious that commercials for alcoholic beverages always show people having fun.  Oh, sure.  If you throw a party, people get giddy after a few drinks.  Stick around longer, though.  Show the host and his girlfriend arguing, while one of the cute young girls throws up in the laundry hamper.  Instead of smiles, show flushed cheeks, squinty eyes, and lopsided grins.  Instead of showing bright, intelligent hip people conversing intelligently and laughing, show some guy with his t-shirt on backward, slurring into the phone, "BUT I ALWAYS LOVED YOU THE BEST!!!" while some poor lady's husband mouths "It's two o'clock in the morning" and the woman rolls her eyes.
  • At least that's how I used to do it.
  • As much as I distrust our government sometimes, and as much as I think they're incompetent idiots, I am heartened and proud of our nation.  Why? Because we have the Federal Standards of Identity for Bourbon, passed in 1964.  Only under LBJ would such an act get through Congress.  You could tell he enjoyed a snort or ten every night. 
  • To my knowledge, there are no Federal Standards of Identity for Mayonnaise. 
  • All in all, I guess it is pretty clever, extolling the health virtues of mayonnaise.  And it is made from all-natural ingredients. 
  • So is heroin.
  • But ham salad made with heroin just doesn't taste as good.
  • Today is the final day of NaBloPoMo.  Thirty posts in 30 days.  The tempus really does fugit.  Thanks for putting up with 30 days of inanity and crap.  Have a great Sunday.

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Why I’m Not a Good Shopper

Posted in Uncategorized on November 29, 2008 by tom

I've never been a fan of Wal-Mart.  I could scold them for their legendarily bad treatment of workers, or excoriate them for their preponderance of "Made in China" goods.  That would be socially aware of me.

It would also be a lie.  I'm not boycotting Wal-Mart for any sociopolitical reason.  I just hate their damn stores.  There's a Wal-Mart Super Center about four miles from here, and I would rather get poked in the eye than shop there.  The aisles are too narrow, and they have those infernal self check-out things that gall me. 

And now there's this:

Wal-Mart shoppers trample NY worker

That's the real reason I don't like Wal-Mart.  The mobs.  When I shop, I tend to do it alone and very quickly (like sex (rimshot)).  I know what I need before I get to the store.  I know where the item is, and I've plotted the fastest way to get to it.  I wish I could chalk this up to being organized, but I can't.  It's simple self-preservation: get in; get out, and nobody gets hurt.  At my Winn-Dixie, the aisle are wide and well stocked, and most customers are there to buy things quickly and leave.  Awesome.

At my Wal-Mart, they shop in packs, large, dentally-challenged, steatopygous thromboses in the shopping arteries.  And there's no purpose to these people–they are looking for bargains, or for Lord knows what else (some white trash holy grail, it seems). 

And that's great, both for Wal-Mart and for them.  I don't like going to dance clubs, either, but I am glad they exist for those who enjoy them.  Same with the Kingdom Halls and Jehovah's Witnesses.

What scares me about that headline is that there was an unruly mob at Wal-Mart, so desperate to begin shopping that they killed somebody.  At 5 AM.  To add insult to, well, death, the shoppers were actually pissed that Wal-Mart had to close for a few hours.  There is no bargain worth trampling somebody to death.  Hell, there are few bargains I'd get up for at 0500 in any store. 

To be fair, I have gone to Wal-Mart a few times, usually to spend gift cards people gave me.  One time, I was grateful to Wal-Mart for being there, and for being open 24 hours.  It was the day "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" came out.  Wal-Mart started selling it at midnight.  I came home, had a few drinks, then went over, ready to brave long lines and jostling crowds.  I walked in.  There was a table with the books right inside the entrance.  I grabbed one, and found an open checkout line.  The person was competent and not chatty, and I was back outside in three minutes.  In and out.  Nobody gets hurt.  Awesome.

I do most of my Christmas shopping online.  It's easier for me, and I can shop a zillion stores without leaving my chair.

I just do it that way for the environment.  Yeah.

My sympathy goes out to the poor Wal-Mart guy and his family.  In Mumbai, lots of brave men and women died trying to stop the terrorists attacking their city.  This poor guy died because he got between rabid Christmas shoppers and a storeful of discounted crap nobody really needs, crap people give as gifts for a holiday ostensibly welcoming the Prince of Peace.  Irony, aisle five. 

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Happy Friday

Posted in Uncategorized on November 28, 2008 by tom

I hope you're enjoying your Friday, and that you didn't get beaten up too badly in the shopping scrum this morning.  Honestly, if someone is able to get up and shop at 0500, that person neither ate nor drank enough on Thanksgiving.

Anyway…on this Friday, I hope you're the bear, and not the salmon.

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Posted in Uncategorized on November 27, 2008 by tom

TO: Those terrorists responsible for the Mumbai attacks
FR: tom
DT: 27 November, 2008
RE: Your motivations

Here's the thing, assholes.  Pretty much everyone I know leads a fairly simple life.  We work.  We buy food, pay our bills, brush our teeth, park in designated areas, and follow label instructions.  Some of us go to various houses of worship to do whatever our faith dictates according to whichever God we accept.  Others of us are agnostic, or atheist, or just lazy. 

Bottom line, we take showers and put gas in our cars.  Or we take baths and ride the bus or the subway, or even walk.  We just live our little lives, generally not messing with anyone else. 

My question is, what in your tiny, diseased mind makes you kill people you don't even know? That eludes me.  I can understand killing a specific person–somebody who wronged you, or maybe a leader. 

Nah, that's not true.  I can't really understand that either.  Do you think people will look favorably upon you for your killings? Do you think your Deity will welcome you with a parade, just because He/She/It is so pleased with you?

I can't imagine any Deity would be happy with you.  I can't fathom how you can be so fucking stupid as to imagine there's a higher grace to random murder.  I'm not the most religious person on this rock, but I'll say this.  I hope there really is a God, and that you meet Him/Her/It when you die.  I hope that this God spits in your face, and remands you to be eternally deep-fried in Hell.  I hope you're pulled out every so often, then put back, just to keep the pain fresh.

No.  Actually, I guess I don't.  That's what separates me from you: I don't really want anyone to suffer unnecessarily.  Not even worthless sacks of effluvia like you.  

One of my favorite people lives in Mumbai.   I love her like I love all my friends.  My friends are good people, even the lunatics and hedonists among us.  We lead our lives.  That's not good enough for you.  You had to make a point, to kill people in the name of making the world better? Is that it? Are your dicks so tiny, your self-images so horrid, your inner-children so petulant that you needed to prove yourself? Did you need attention? Did you need somebody to notice you?

We noticed.  We now hate you.  I wouldn't give a squirt of piss for your souls right now.  Even if there is no actual "lake of fire" hell, there's something hellishly wrong inside of you.  Do us all a favor, eh? Next time, just kill yourselves.  At least then we might have some little kernel of sympathy when we read about it.  Today, we'll just be secretly–or not so secretly–glad when you die. 

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Happy Thanksgiving

Posted in Uncategorized on November 26, 2008 by tom

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, the day where we all gather in the presence of friends, family, and more different types of carbohydrate than any other day, and we remember all the good things in our lives.

This year, I'm grateful to have a new job–any job, really, but especially one I like.  I'm grateful for my friends and family, both here and on the interwebs.  Y'all keep me grounded.  I'm grateful that some of my Vox neighbors have had books published this year–way to go, RG, Laurie, Shushie and anyone else I'm missing.  I promise I'll get around to reading them all.  I'm grateful the new cat has adapted and become part of the crew.   I'm grateful my mom cooked all sorts of spectacular comestables for our Thanksgiving, and that we were able to move the celebration up a couple days.  I'm even grateful that I'll be working fourteen hours tomorrow.  There was a time not too long ago when that would have been impossible.  As always, I'm grateful for the basics: ten fingers, ten toes, one steady pulse.  Everything else is just gravy.

And I'm especially grateful for gravy. 

I'm grateful to Connie for this quote:
For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

And I'm grateful to you for reading this.  Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. 

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I Could Hear Her Eyes Rolling from Across the Interwebs

Posted in Uncategorized on November 25, 2008 by tom

(This is a transcript of Kellee and me IMing, shortly after I finished reading "Twilight." There might be spoilers.)

11:25 PM
"They took care of him?"
That's it?

haha took care of him as in him who?



I want GUTS

they ripped his head off and burned his body

Right, but I want to smell it.
I want spatter and profanity

haha well your seeing it from Bella's perspective and she was kind of knocked out
you see it later on :nods:
just keep reading the books
eventually you do get some details of deaths and such

Let's hope so.
And if he doesn't slip her his porkcicle soon, I'm going to drive up there and smack them both

:just fell out off her chair laughing:


girls tom
little girls
that's the target audience
remember that
well not little girls
but 14 to 25

I know. I guess I'm just not used to 500 pp of foreplay and blue balls

and she's mormon

She has three kids, Kel. She obviously knows how things work.
I admit: I'm outside this book's target audience. But at least there was some snogging in the Harry Potter books.

there is in twilight
it's just Edward pushing her away as she freaks out and tries to rape him


that's basically what happens the first time they kiss

She just opens her mouth when she kisses him!

she like mauls him
no like Stephenie got asked to explain it in more detail
and why he pushed her away
and it's because the minute their lips touched she like jumped on him

He's a butt-pire

no he's not
he just has a hard time keeping himself in control
when he's around her

He's 17! Of course he does! A gust of wind gets a 17 year old boy revved up! And he's been 17 for nearly 100 years now

and her pressing herself all up against him weakens his will
his will NOT TO EAT HER

not to have sex with her
but to eat her
big difference

That's fine.
She wants him to eat her

indeed she does
but he's all 'no i won't'

I guess he has a bad case of…(wait for it)

oh harhar

(pause for big laffs)

the puns

I just don't understand why he didn't bite her while she was in the hospital, so they could give her morphine while she was vamping out

because he doesn't want her to be a vampire
he knows how much she loves her family
and her life, no matter how much she doesn't see it
so he doesn't want her to give that up for him
so he'd rather her be human and have all of the things he never got to experience
rather than turn her and have her miss out on actually growing up

I don't know, Kel. If I'd been like that in HS, I totes would've bitten her by now.
Or at least watched her shower.

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No Reading Allowed on My Day Off

Posted in Uncategorized on November 25, 2008 by tom

I swear, they work in shifts.

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