Archive for October, 2008

Halloween…BOO: Mixed Candy

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on October 31, 2008 by tom

  • For an angel went down at a certain season into the pool, and troubled the water: whosoever then first after the troubling of the water stepped in was made whole of whatsoever disease he had
    ." (John 5:4 KJV)
  • Over the years, I think that passage has been mistranslated.  It should read, "Several times a day, a big, elegant cat goes to the water bowl, and troubles the water.  Then he slaps it up into his mouth, and walks on his human, frightening him with a cold soggy paw."
  • Although, I wish I were fast enough to climb into the water bowl before the water became as untroubled as the cat who troubled it.  (Stupid size 15 feet)
  • The only evidence to support that Wind is an angel would be that he is the sweetest cat I've ever known. 
  • And he shits brimstone. Gah!
  • I VOTED TODAY! I have never considered myself to be a member of any particular party–I've always voted for the candidate.  Often, there are races wherein I have no real knowledge of the candidates.  In these situations, I read the endorsements of various local publications, analyze their analyses, and vote accordingly.
  • That said, I ended up voting for five Republicans and four Democrats.  Most of the Reps were in local and state races (School Board, Property appraiser, etc), and the local progressive paper recommended them. (If they endorse a Republican, there must be a good reason)
  • Number of those Republicans named either McCain or Palin: zero
  • Of all the Presidential campaigns I can remember with any clarity, this one seems to be the most talked-about.  Not in the media–Lord knows the media have yammered since back when angels troubled pools for lepers–but among actual people.  It seems like everyone I talk to feels a sense of urgency about this election, about whom we select as our next president.
  • I hope the next one returns sufficient dignity to the office that I'll capitalize the word "president" again.
  • One of McCain's attack ads talks about Obama's lack of "executive experience." The gist is, "Do you really want him to face his first executive challenge HERE?" (in the Oval Office) 
  • There is no job on this planet that adequately prepares one to be president.  None.  I have a squishy magnetic beaver on my desk; the president has nuclear launch codes that could incinerate the planet.  And that's just one thing.  To me, the best qualification one can have is the ability to learn quickly, the intelligence to absorb new situations and information and react properly under extreme pressure.  I don't see how being senator from Arizona carries any more executive responsibility than being a senator from Illinois, unless Senator McCain absorbed some "executive experience" from his buddy Charles Keating (remember the Lincoln Savings and Loan? Three BILLION dollar government bailout, and that was in 1989 dollars). 
  • In all fairness, McCain was not censured by the Senate Ethics Committee–they just said he'd used "poor judgment." Hey, as long as you're only interfering on behalf of a corrupt banker because of "poor judgment," then you're okay in my book.  Better to be stupid than corrupt, right?
  • Sorry.  Bad judgment is bad judgment, whether it's being part of the Keating Five, picking a winking, moose-gutting knothead succubus to be your running mate, or advising your old friend Napoleon to go into battle at Waterloo.
  • I grew up listening to classic rock.  Sadly, most of the "classic rock" on the radio today is exactly the same as the "classic rock" when I was a kid.  The sadder thing is that I'm so burned out on most of it, that I just turn it off.
  • The exception is Led Zeppelin.  "Kashmir" was on the radio last night, and I blasted the crap out of it.  "The Hammer of the Gods" indeed–what a great sound.
  • If I had to pick the best drummer around, I'd make a case for Steve Gadd. 
  • If I had to pick the drummer I'd most like to emulate, it'd be John Bonham.  Boom-BOOM-Boom-boom-BOOM! The guy was a monster genius who hit 'em hard.
  • The world would be a much better place today if John Bonham had lived the past 28 years instead of a few other people I could name. 
  • Happy Halloween! 

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I think they’re friends, now

Posted in Uncategorized on October 29, 2008 by tom

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This cracked me the hell up

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on October 29, 2008 by tom

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Q&A: A meme-a-weh a meme-a-weh (sorry)

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on October 25, 2008 by tom


(I stole this from Killer Kelly.  Thanks Kil-Kel.)

1.

Did you tell the last person you had a crush on your feelings for them?
I did.  Once she finished convulsing with laughter, she shook her head pityingly, shanked me in the kidney, and high-tailed it to a judge for an emergency restraining order.

2.
What time will you be getting up tomorrow morning?
0805, although I probably won't awaken thoroughly until early afternoon.

3.
How are you feeling at this exact moment in time?
Cat-warmed and sore of back.

4.
What is on your agenda for tomorrow?
Work.  Nap.  More work.

5.
Will you be in bed within twenty minutes?
I'm in bed now, however I probably won't sleep for a few hours.  I'd pretty much live in my bed if I could, but it's a bitch to drive a clutch while horizontal (especially while resting tummy side down)

6.
Who were you with at 4 pm this afternoon?
I was at a secret meeting with–(BLAM, BLAM BLAM) (bleed, tom-brain-goo-splatter, sputter, cough, sigh, eyes back-rolling, "Hi, Grandma!")

I mean, I was driving to work alone.

7.
Last CD you listened to?
"Flaunt the Imperfection," by China Crisis.

8.
Are you mad at anyone?
You.  Not you.  No, you either.  YOU!

9.
How many people have held your hand today?
Only one.

10.
What does your number 3 call you?
My numbers don't speak to me, especially primes.  Well, I suppose i is technically prime, but it's imaginary, so I don't count it.

 11.
Last time you saw your number 1?
I just went number one–does that count?

12.
Last person that you texted?
Rhonda.

13.
Do you miss someone?
I miss a lot of people.  The key is to keep shooting, and try to aim better.

14.
Last time you kissed someone?
Tuesday.

15.
What are your plans for later?

Sleep.  Awaken.  I try to stick to the basics.

16.
Can you play guitar hero?

Guitar, yes.  Guitar Hero, no, although I suspect I'd probably be just as mediocre at the game as I am on the actual instrument..

17.
Where are you at right now?
My cave on the shore of Lake Tom.

18.
Can you easily tell if someone is fake?
If a German Shepard barks at them, they're fake.  At least that's what Kyle Reese said.  Just to be sure, I usually take a biopsy and CT scan (if there's still doubt, I send Lauri a stool sample for analysis).

19.
Describe the shirt you are wearing:
Old Wonder Bread mold green, and really big and battered, like good onion rings.

20.
Do you hit on people a lot?
Nah.  That just encourages them to linger.

21.
How has this week been?
Any week where I'm above the grass is a good one.

22.
Have you ever written a love letter?

Oh, yes.  I even typed it.  It didn't work, but at least it was legible.

23.
Do you have a job?
Yes, I do, although I might have gotten laid-off from my part-time gig Wednesday (nobody's sure)

24.
Who was the last person to make you laugh?
Dwight Schrute.

25.
Have you kissed someone in the past week?
If you disregard the number of asses I've kissed symbolically, no.

26.
Who was the last person you talked to in person?
Cathy.

27.
In winter would you rather wear jackets or hoodies?
I'd rather stay here where it's warm.  I don't own anything with long sleeves–jacket, hoodie, shirt, golf balls, etc.

28.
Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?
I wish I were here, but 48 hours from now.

29.
Do you have a best friend?
They're all pretty darn good.

30.
Has anyone ever sang to you?
Yes, actually.  Twice.  Once was my friend, Brenda, who's one of the best singer-songwriters I've ever heard.  The other was a girl whose name I can't even remember.  We were in a bar, and "Elderly Woman…" by Pearl Jam came on the juke box.  She sang it to me, and it blew my mind: "I just want to scream hello.  My God, it's been so long…but now here you are, and here I am!" It was a great night.

31.
Has anyone ever written a poem or song about you?
That's a Stevie Nicks song: "Has Anyone Ever Written Anything for You."  I don't especially like her, but this is a great song.  BTW, Ann Marie at work always cracks me up by saying, "Damn your love! Damn your lies!" which is a line from "The Chain," which Stevie Nicks sings on, or at least she was there twirling her dress, probably doing lots of cocaine and drinking wine while everybody else sang. 

32.
What are you drinking right now?
You know, I'm listening to the aforementioned song, and I have absolutely no idea what it means.  And Stevie sounds even more like she has a cold than usual.  Then again, Stevie's Fleetwood Mac songs would all be very, VERRRRY different if a truly awesome voice like, say, Ann Wilson from Heart were singing them.  Good Lord, that lady has a voice.  Pipes out the wazoo.  She did a live acoustic version of "Crazy on You" that used to drive Donna the Sales Assistant crazy.  One hot July afternoon, we were at the beach–the gross, redneck beach you can drive on–and I had that blasting, and she took her shirt off and started kissing me.  It was pretty spectacular, even though people kept honking their horns when they drove by, and Donna wouldn't close her window, because she loved the sun on her bare breasts.  I tried to tell her that I appreciated that too, but that her bare breasts were causing a commotion, but she said "Fuck 'em! I love this song!" I tried to explain that I loved it too, and that I loved her bare breasts–and kissing her as well–but that my dark-tinted windows only provided privacy when they were UP.  She didn't care, though.  She'd been pounding beer all afternoon, and I'd been drinking iced tea, because I had to be on the air at 1900.  So she was liquored up and ready for action, while I just wanted to stay out of jail until at least after my show, preferably the rest of my life.  She finally rolled her window up, and we continued making out and stuff, replaying that song over and over on the CD player.  When I got back to the bar, my hair was sticking up like that Chad character on the Alltel ads, and my buddy Dick joked that I wouldn't have "any legs," like a boxer who has sex the night before a big fight.  By damn, he was right: I couldn't ad-lib my way out of a sack that night–I still remember that.  I wonder what happened to Dick. He was a great guy, but I lost track of him when I stopped going to bars.  He and I played golf the last time I saw him, and we rode to the course in his girlfriend's '64 Vette convertable.  I remember the chrome bar at the top of the windshield would've hit me in my supraorbital margin if we'd gotten hit, but we didn't.  Also, I was able to get 18 cold cans of Budweiser in my Wilson Staff golf bag, which was about all I was good for–I couldn't play for shit that day–and Dick kept borrowing my sand wedge, and every time he hit it, he stuck his shot about five feet from the pin.  I was so pissed! My own sand wedge helping somebody kick my ass on the course! Dick called it a "lob wedge," and threatened to keep it.  He did me one better by keeping my entire set of golf clubs.  It's okay, though, because I didn't even think about it until a few years later, plus all the grips were shot anyway.  I hope he's hit a lot of great chips with that wedge.  (The club champion at the TPC at Prestancia gave me that wedge for my HS graduation–he was a great guy, and a helluva golfer)  I remember Dick asked me if I'd been with Donna the night before, because "You ain't got shit f'legs today, Tawmy." (Dick was from Maine) I hadn't been, if I recall.  Holy crap, the late Al Cruise used to give me crap every time Donna the Sales Assistant and I returned from lunch together, because my hair was always messed up.  We didn't always have sex during our lunches–most of the time, we just ate, then smooched a little bit–but my hair was always messed up.  Donna had some mad skills, and she was absolutely fearless.  I haven't talked to her in at least eight years.  I wonder how she's doing, and whose hair she's keeping mussed now.  OMG, the first night we ever hooked up was after a station event in downtown St Pete.  We were in the back of my truck, making out, and I took off her sweater.  She had nothing underneath, and we kept a-smooching, until I realized we were parked right next to the St Pete Police Department.  Gah! So we went to the beach, the gross redneck beach you can drive on, and I ended up with no legs, messed up hair, a shit-eating grin, and a lost pager. 

Oh, sorry.  I'm drinking water.

33.
Honestly when was the last time anyone saw you in your underwear?
Couldn't tell you.  I was seen in the girl next door's underwear the other night, though. (rimshot) (I kid)

34.
Do you get high a lot?
Nope.  I was never a good pot smoker.  A brilliant, award-winning drinker, but not good with the herb.

35.
Are you busy tomorrow?
Oh, yes.  I'm busy, but I'm lucky just to be employed.  Working for awhile on a fishing boat right outside of Delacroix.  But all the while I was alone, the past was close behind.  I seen a lot of women, but she never escaped my mind, and I just grew… (everybody sing) (Sheesh, get up for a glass of water, and Bob freakin' Dylan takes over the Power Book)

Happy Saturday, y'all.

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“Did You Ever Dance with the Devil in the Pale Moonlight?”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on October 24, 2008 by tom

This is why I don't watch this show.

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Sage Quotes for the Election that Just. Will. Not. Die.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on October 24, 2008 by tom

Other than the P.J. O'Rourke selections, I can't speak to the veracity of these quotes, but they're pretty wise.

I got this in an e-mail, so forgive the odd fonts, etc.

'If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.'
        –Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of Congress….But then I repeat myself.
             -Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.  

    -Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
    -.George Bernard Shaw

         
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
    -James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

                          

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.   -Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at  Georgetown University
            
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. 
     -P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

 
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
    -Frederic Bastiat,  Economist (1801-1850)

 
 Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
    -Ronald Reagan (1986)


I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. 
    -Will Rogers

   

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! 
    -P.J. O'Rourke 
 
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. 
    -Voltaire (1764)

              

Just because you do not take an interest in politics  doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! 
      -Pericles (430 B.C.)

              

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

   -Mark Twain (1866)
   
Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it.
    -Unknown

                 

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
    -Ronald Reagan
                  

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
     -Mark Twain  
                
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class…save Congress.
    -Mark Twain
 
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
   -Edward Langley, Artist (1928 – 1995)
                  

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.

   -Thomas Jefferson
 

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A Completely Politics-Free Grin

Posted in Uncategorized on October 22, 2008 by tom
Kitchen Love
 
 She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
 
 He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me this
very moment."
 
 His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
 
 Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his
all on the kitchen table.
 
 Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.
 
 More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"
 
 She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

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