Thanks to the FBI, I’ll Soon be Rich

If you're reading this, you're obviously somewhat plugged-in to the Interweb.  I mean, let's face it: there's so much better writing (not to mention free porn), that if you're on my blob, you've already exhausted The Onion or The Drudge Report, or maybe you've developed carpal tunnel syndrome from YouPorn.  Maybe there are no new lolcats today, or that Serengeti watering hole webcam is down.  Thus, you're here.

My point is that if you're here on my Vox page, it's likely not your very first Virginia Reel at the big e-squaredance.   Seeing as you've been around a bit–in a totally non-hookery way–I'm sure you've seen/been exposed to the infamous Nigerian scam.  The scam, briefly, is that people in Nigeria need your help to move a large sum of money out of the country, and they'll cut you in on the profits…as long as you can front a few grand here and there for bribes or legal fees or whatever.  Bottom line, you send them your money, and they disappear with it.

But I'm pleased to report that I am different! This time, I'm really going to clean up, unlike any saps who got taken.  Know why?

Because I got an e-mail today from the FBI! Yup! I know it was from the real FBI because the header read as follows:

TO: tom
FR: FBI Office

I was scared of course.   I mean, getting e-mail from the FBI? I swear–I always thought the girls in the photos were at least 18, maybe as old as 18.5.

I digress. 

Turns out, it wasn't about any pictures I might allegedly have accidentally seen on the Interwebs.  It was about my big financial deal with the Nigerians. Yay!

Now any doubts I had were allayed when I opened the e-mail and saw this:

Washington Field Office Banner with FBI Seal linking to FBI Home


                                                                                                                                                               & ;nbs:               

                                                                                                                                                               & ;nbs:                                       DATE: 12/ September /2008


I mean, is that an impressive heading, or what? Only the real FBI would include a picture of the Jefferson Memorial, right? Because Jefferson founded the FBI back in…wait.  Well, he would have had he not been busy inventing the swivel office chair, then sitting in it to write the Declaration of Independence.  One of Jefferson's biggest concerns, of course, was anti-fund monitory crimes.  Sadly, I was a Lit major, so I don't know what an anti-fund is, nor how the monitory of them is criminal, but that's why I'm grateful for the FBI: I can read Tennyson and Faulkner, and let them worry about anti-fund montoriness.

Being highly trained and regimented federal agents, they get right to the point, without wasting verbiage on such irrelevancies as using my name:

We believe that this notification meets you in a very good present state of mind and health. We the Federal bureau of investigations (FBI) Washington, DC in conjunction with some other relevant Investigation Agencies here in the United states of America have recently been informed through our Global intelligence monitoring network that you presently have a transaction going on with the Central Bank as regards to your over-due contract payment which was fully endorsed in your favor accordingly.

It's uncanny that they knew I was in a "very good present state of mind and health."  Just yesterday, I kept switching between past and future states.  Also, the FBI's efficiency meant they only teamed with "relevant Investigation Agencies" to ascertain the overdue status of my contract payment.  For example, they obviously didn't dally with the Department of Homeland Punctuation.

It might interest you to know that we have taken out time in screening through this project as stipulated on our protocol of operation and have finally confirmed that your contract payment is 100% genuine and hitch free from all facet and of which you have the lawful right to claim your fund without any further delay.

There are 305 million people in this wonderful nation, and yet it's FBI PROTOCOL OF OPERATION that they check out my contract payment, just so I can "claim my fund without any further delay." 1) Catch bad guys; 2) Get Tom's money.

We have received series of reports against you through the FBI monitoring agents in conjunction with the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC), Federal Republic of Nigeria as well as the Anti Fraud Unit of Nigeria. You are advice to stop every conversation with any other office as we have sign for you to receive your payment through P&A International Bank only.

Stupid freakin' Advil PM.  I THOUGHT I was sleeping fitfully, and it turns out I've been conversing enough with other offices, that I've had reports filed on me by the "EFCC, Federal Republic of Nigeria, as well as the Anti Fraud Unit of Nigeria."

Thank God I have unlimited nights and weekends on my cellular plan.

We have noted that you had been strictly guided by the some other people mentioned security agents on your dealings with some internet imposters/scammers but you failed to abide by the laid down instruction without thinking of the consequences.

Dealing with "imposters/scammers" and "(failing) to abide by the laid down instruction without thinking of the consequences?"

Well, shit, y'all…that's just how I roll.

Because of my impertinence and lack of cooperation, it would require an international miracle to save me.  Could I even hope? Oh, yes!

We are pleased to inform you that we the (FBI) Federal bureau of investigations and (IMF) International Fund Monetary Unit  (WORLD BANK) in conjunction with (EFCC) Economic and Financial Crimes Commission based on series of petitions we received from International Bodies such as Co-operate Bodies and Non-Governmental Organizations (NGO) on the inability of Some Government of different countries in the World, Commercial banks and World Lottery Organization to settle their clients Contract debt,  Inheritance Fund and Winning prize fund.

Where did they meet?

And where is the verb?

I'd buy them one, but I'm a little light till payday, unless...

After an extensive close door meeting between the Board of Directors of (FBI) WORLD BANK, Economic and Financial Crimes Commission, AND INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND UNIT), It was resolved and agreed to pay you $7.5 Million Dollars upon that this outstanding Contract Payment  to be release to you, Your Inheritance and Lottery Winning prize fund will be paid without any hitch and delay through P&A International Bank as it was directed from the World Bank to release all outstanding funds to there Beneficiary’s.

HOLY CRAP!!! I'm a millionaire 7.5 times over! It's right there in black and white.  The World Bank was directed to "release all outstanding funds to there (sic) Beneficiary's. (sic)"

I want my money I didn't know I was entitled to! How do I get it? Prob'ly complicated, right?

You are advice to contact the paying Bank P&A International Bank Remittance Director Mr. Mac Thompson. Email: to claim your payment without any delay.

You are advice to reconfirm the following information to your paying Bank for Security reason write an application letter to the paying bank with the information below for payment:

Well, that seems fair.  They are giving me $7.5 million; they probably want to make sure it's me.






5) YOUR AGE: just fell off the turnip truck yesterday

Thank you very much for your anticipated co-operation in advance as we earnestly await your urgent response to this matter.

Robert S. Mueller III

Federal Bureau of Investigation

J. Edgar Hoover Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington , D.C.

20535-0001, USA


Faithfully Your's, 


FBI Seal

Not only did the FBI spend countless agent-hours–not to mention hundreds of thousands of dollars in jet fuel–to put together this consortium, the actual director of the actual FBI took the time to dash off this note, and included his personal e-mail addy.  I've never been prouder to be an American than I am right now.  I'll let you know when I get my check.  Then it's donuts, bacon, and spellcheck on me!

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4 Responses to “Thanks to the FBI, I’ll Soon be Rich”

  1. Yay! Let's start a shopping list. You'll be getting a new convertible, of course.

  2. Absolutely ridiculous. And you'd think, when they scam, that they would at least get their English grammar and spelling correct.
    PS – My husband was actually contacted by one of those Nigerian scams. I called the 'real' local FBI office and turned it in.

  3. Ho.Lee.Crap.What a bunch of Gaaaaaarrrr-baaaaaagh. But thanks for the amusement in any case! :DWhen you get all that money, just spring for a cruise!! All of us Voxers will be there!! 😀

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