Archive for June, 2008

Hoping this Questionaire is just a NyQuil dream

Posted in Uncategorized on June 30, 2008 by tom
If you could become famous by a single act, what act would it be? Henry V, Act 4, so I could nail the "St Crispin's Day" speech
Do you know approximately how long the dashed lines in the road are? Yes
If you could choose your birth month, which month would you prefer? June is just fine, since it's over tomorrow
What is the difference between "going on dates" and "dating"? "Going on dates" has a preposition
Do you have a tendency to put your significant other before your friends? It depends.  I'd put my friends first if we were going into battle (They're easier to hide behind)
What type of situations make you nervous? Hypothetical ones
What is something that has recently made you laugh so hard you cried? A joke from "Jose, The Onion Chopping Comic"
Do you honestly rank your friends on myspace by their importance to you? We ranked our friends in sixth grade; half of us are still in therapy from it.  Here in Vox, we all God's chilluns.
Do you personally know a person who can write elegantly; who? Yes.  Why, all my Vox neighbors write elegantly.  If they didn't, they wouldn't be my neighbors. 
Spell your crush's name with no vowels. This question is prejudiced against Hawaiians and the Welsh.
have you ever been purposely hit by someone of the opposite sex? Define "hit."
Can you bend backward into a bridge and touch your toes? Once.
What is the best (and worst) dare you have ever fallen through with? I don't do dares.  My typical behavior was dangerous enough without them
Do you admit to your mistakes? What mistakes?
how would you make a difference in the world if nothing could stop you? If nothing could stop me? Ever? I'd probably run over a bunch of people and destroy some property, I'll tell you that. 
Have you ever played the "penis game"? Is that like "quarters," only with penises?
Is your best friend single or taken? His wife would say he's taken
Who is one person who could never gain your trust? Cupid
What is a secret you knew when you were younger that you thought was HUGE? The location of the Fountain of Youth.  Now, I'm so old, I've forgotten. (rimshot)
Have you ever physically hugged a tree? The judge says I'm not supposed to discuss this.
When was the last time you ate an M&M? While "hugging" that tree.
Have you told someone you had a crush on them to make them feel better? Nope.  I've crushed somebody to make myself feel better, though.
If you could produce your own film, what genre would it be? Tragicomedy
Any particular actors/actresses you would choose for scripting? I'd like to script the hell out of Christina Ricci and Cate Blanchett
Would you go back in time to relive moments (not change them) if you could? Yes.  I'd be Chuck Yeager when he broke the sound barrier.
If you got a hold of a celebrities phone number, what would you do? Somebody gave me Art Garfunkel's number once.  I called him and talked for an hour and a half.  Of course, it was an interview, not stalking. 
Do you have to know people before you become a couple? Sometimes, it's easier to couple without knowing her name.  I just leave the money on the TV set, and ask her to feed the cat before she leaves.
How long is your longest relationship? I've known my parents since birth.
How long is your current relationship? I'm bad at relationship questions; worse at math
What is your favorite board game? Waterboard: The Torture Game.  Or Trivial Pursuit.
If you could get any plastic surgery for free, what would you alter? I'd have my brain removed for trusting a free plastic surgeon.
Do you believe in ghosts? If they have a good idea, and seem willing to work hard.
If you had your own show about your life, what would the title be? The Vagina Monologues
What holiday would you erase if given the chance? April Fool's Day: I think people should be nice on more days than just Christmas, and I think people should be subversive on more than just April 1st.
You stumble upon a wallet with loads of cash; name your next move. The English countryside, depending on how big the load was.
What has been your most painful experience in your life so far? This unending quiz. 
Do you flirt with people you aren't the least bit attracted to? Me? Flirt?
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others? Tolerant of others, and drought-resistant.
Who is the last person you tried to impress? Monica.  She made me give a speech in front of 200 people, and I wanted to do a good job.  (I killed, btw: Tom, ftw!)
Do you use air fresheners; what scent? Only Lysol, the blue one that smells like Mr Bubble.  (note to young people: Mr Bubble was a bubble bath formula.  NOT a person)
Are you envious toward anyone at the moment? Not really
How do you feel about the person you copied this survey from? Anastacia rocks.
If you could have any three items in the world, what would they be? The Ark of the Covenant, the Crystal Skull, and the Holy Grail.
What talent would you like to posess? Playing the piano while tap dancing
Do you have a hobby that is not known by many people; what would that be? My shrink and my probation officer said I shouldn't talk about it.
What is the worst thing you have ever said and to whom? "Sure, hon! I think moving in with you would be a great idea!" to the Devilbitch
Are you currently facing a dilemma? Maybe
Would you ever consider having an open relationship with someone? "Open and honest?" Or "Open to the public?" Either way, no.
What is one thing you have an obsession for? If I had just one obsession, I wouldn't need medication.
What type of surprises are your favorite? Ones that happen to others.
What two super powers would you choose to have? Probably the US and China
Have you ever been kicked out or banned from Walmart? Strangely enough, yes. 
If you could dine with one celebrity once a week for a year, who'd it be? Holly Hunter
Who is the last person you were in contact with? Holly Hunter
Are you supersticious; name a few examples.

I am! I believe that if I misspell words, various appendages will start falling off of me.

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This news brought to you by Nyquil

Posted in Uncategorized on June 29, 2008 by tom

Julia Roberts can hold a grudge.  She's icily polite to me.  Not really hostile at all, but I can tell she still hasn't forgiven me for the crap her brother Eric and I got into years ago.  And the bean soup at the new food court was all dried out and dessicated.  Everything else was splendid there–the Southern vegetable bar was loaded for possum, with a whole mess of collards, boiled cabbage with ham, fried okra, and pinto beans the way grandma used to make them.

I wake up, and find my nurse glaring at me, probably because she likes Julia.


No surprise.  My whole family loves her, still.  They always took her side: "What the hell are Eric and Tom doing? Always out getting in trouble.  Julia's so sweet."

Whatever.  They're right, of course, but I've atoned, as has Eric.  We repaid the bond money.   I've been sober three years; I apologized to the girls, their sorority, and their respective parents, and I haven't seen Eric since the trial.  He was pissed that Greta Scachi was sitting next to me. 

Nom-nom-nom on two more gelcaps.  Sleep imminent.  I hope it's not a jungle safari.  I hate those sonstobitches.

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Notes from Friday

Posted in Uncategorized on June 27, 2008 by tom

Sneeze.  Snort.  Groan.  Ouch.
Cough. Snort.  Groan.  Blink.
Sneeze.  Sneeze. Sneeezeezeeeezeeeeze.
Groan. Moan.  Snort.  Sniff.  Blow.
Water.  Itch.  Ache. 

Stupid freakin' germ-addled jury duty rat-eating bastards.

Hack.  Snort.  Sneeeeeezeeeezeeezeeeze.
Bleh. 

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Now available at Heaven’s candy store

Posted in Uncategorized on June 27, 2008 by tom

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Mental Chex Mix

Posted in Uncategorized on June 26, 2008 by tom

I think there should be a vegetarian Spam, made from corn cobs, carrot peels, and okra anuses.   With plenty of sodium nitrite and that Spammish mystery jelly.

Characters I would like to see:

A Native American used car appraiser named Kelly Bluebook.

Psych-ward pharmacy tech, Al Prazolam.

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QotD: Smiley Face

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on June 26, 2008 by tom

What's making you smile today?

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And in legal news…

Posted in Uncategorized on June 26, 2008 by tom

Thank God the Onion covers the Supreme Court so diligently.

Supreme Court Rules Death Penalty "Badass"

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