Late Night Infomercial Sucks (no, really!)

[returning Austin's personal property after reanimating him]
Quartermaster Clerk: One Swedish-made penis enlarger.
Austin Powers: [to Vanessa] That's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
Quartermaster Clerk: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby", by Austin Powers.

This was a great scene in "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery."  The movie mocked lots of ridiculous things, including the idea that people would buy such devices.  I mean, really: using a mechanical device for suction on ones genitalia? What could be more daft?

Well…a few years ago, just up the road in Lakeland, a man became imperiled in the pool at the Scottish Inn.  Somehow, his pants had fallen down around his ankles and–darnedest thing–his unit had gotten trapped in one of the pool's suction inlet ports.  Police officers responding to the call turned off the pool pump, but the tadger in question had swollen, and it took paramedics a good while to free willy, as it were (they applied lubrication, then ended up pulling firmly on the guy before he was released).  I remember hearing this on the local radio news, and snopes.com has the confirmation. 

So I was just relaxing this evening, preparing to write my usual sort of post–a sober analysis of Sino-American trade balance, and the impending monetary crisis (or something about belching)–when I glanced over at the muted TV, and what did I see?

Yup.  An ad for the Rejoyn Vacuum Therapy System.  It is just what you think it is.  There was an infomercial discussing how this miraculous breakthrough in erection technology could enhance your life.  And you can tell it's for real, because right there on the website was the red box that ensures a product's wonderfulness:

Well, it MUST be a good product then, right?

I mean, it wasn't just mentioned on TV, there was an entire 30 minute program pounding home the towering sucksess (grin) this vacuum therapy thingy has shown.  The men looked happy; the women, happier.  And these weren't leering perverts in spotty trenchcoats, either: just good, clean-cut, successful, upstanding (well, not so upstanding, on second thought) Americans who'd overcome (not so) hard times with the aid of this spectacular product. 

Granted, the point of the Rejoyn Vacuum Therapy System is not to turn your toothpick into a Louisville Slugger, but to help jump-start your little engine that couldn't.  If this miracle of techno-widgetry can put the lead back in your pencil, mazeltov.  I can't help but imagine it'd be a little awkward, though.  "Let's do it!" "Okay! Awesome! I'll turn up the Barry White cd; you reach in that drawer and hand me my vacuum therapy penis pump."

I hope it works for those gents who need it, provided they can afford the $145.99 price tag..  If you can't? Well, a room at the Scottish Inn Lakeland is only $60 a night, and there's empirical evidence the pool method works.  You know, if it's "just your bag."

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13 Responses to “Late Night Infomercial Sucks (no, really!)”

  1. austin powers. he gets my mojo goin for sure.yah i know im a nerd.lol

  2. I just got called a nerd today! RedMJK (sp?) said I was a nerd on my Vox Hunt key thingy, just because I showed a pic of a taxonomic key of dengue fever vector mosquitoes. Just because I AM a nerd doesn't mean she had to point it out to me! lol

  3. Yup. You did it again. Guffaw. Cup of tea….can always rely on you for a childish chuckle.

  4. there was an infomercial for a penis pump? seriously? that's the best ever!!! i am such a sucker for late night tv. hehehe. it's a good thing we don't have cable. otherwise we'd have a house full of crap we don't need. πŸ˜›

  5. I totally grew up about two miles from that very Scottish Inn in Lameland. Sadly, I never did get to try the pool, though.

  6. Hah. You said "sucker." πŸ˜‰

  7. I am picturing the paramedicks. Were they men? Women? Were they having a hard time keeping the grins off their faces? Or the "ick-look" off their faces. Lol. Ah, well. Whatever floats yer….boat.

  8. hehe. oops! freudian slip, i guess. πŸ˜›

  9. a sucking thing applied to your body. Unfortch, all it does is remind me of what breastfeeding was like, i.e. not sexy at all.

  10. I just remember the story on whatever station I was listening to. The news guy and the jock couldn't stop laughing.

  11. HAR @ "paramedicks." I just wonder if they had to use the Jaws of Life. I bet the paramedicks drew straws to avoid that one. "Guy was stuck with his boypart stuck in a suction inlet. Then BOB gently placed the wiener in his jaws of life.""Shut up, Brad.""Oh, Bob, you know you loved it."

  12. Bahahaha! Isn't the term "Jaws of Life" alone enough to get you turned on?? πŸ˜‰

  13. not sexy at all. Not to you, maybe. πŸ˜‰

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