Texas & Ohio: Primary Concerns? Unharnessed Boobies

Oh, the humanity!

Today, voters in Texas and Ohio head to the polls to decide "the entire fate of the republic," or some such noise, and what happens? The biggest cover-up since Watergate.

There has been so much coverage of these two primaries in the "mainstream" media the past few weeks, that we as a people have lost sight of what's truly important.  Silly political questions abound: will Hillary Clinton's race for the White House end tonight? Speaking of race, will Texans and Ohioans choose Barack Obama? Will either of the Democratic hopefuls be able to defeat Civil War veteran Republican nominee, John McCain? Really, is any of this truly important? Certainly, one has to wonder whether it's worth all the wasted paper, ink, and electrons the media have devoted to this non-story.

Thank God for entertainmentwise.com and their selfless, steadfast journalistic tenacity in finally uncovering what's truly important: Hollywood starlets are wandering around braless.  The shocking headline:

Braless Celebrities!

Entertainmentwise brings you the fallout…

Oh, and what horrific fallout there is! Does it really matter that tonight's election results could decide who picks the next batch of Supreme Court justices, while Oscar-winner Gwyneth Paltrow's little golden globes are rattling around unchecked? What difference can a President really make, when Britney's twins are jiggling unhindered? Or, if political wags are concerned about race so damn much, why don't the networks quit pandering to Obama, and note that Tyra Banks' breasts (ed. note: really, lovely breasts!) are peeking through her top?

I'm no prude, certainly.  I've been a fan of breasts my entire life, but it eludes me how we as a populace spend so much time worrying about some dumb election when true danger is poking through thin cotton, staring us right in our faces. 

Again, thank God for the last bastion of newsgathering integrity: entertainmentwise.com.  Sure, some "experts" might point out that this isn't a big deal.  In the spirit of full disclosure, I should admit that approximately 100% of the women I've been involved with shucked off their mammary minders as soon as they got home from work/school/prison, etc.  Some of them have even dared leave the home with their breasts unharnessed, just like these starlets.  But let's face it: none of my exes–past, present, or future–have had truly important, newsworthy breasts.  How many people have worried over Paris and Britney's boobs while they had their recent battles with jail, addiction, and insanity? Those breasts not only represent our entertainment future, but they've been prayed for millions of times by good, caring Americans the world over.  What happened to glamor and class? Sure, when you see Goldie Hawn and Lindsay Lohan, you realize that it's possible for a 62 year-old woman to look good, but do they have to display their fossilized udders for everyone to see?

Cynics might point out that there's nothing really new here (ed. note: the breasts might be new, but the idea isn't).  Think about it.  Britney's bare pudendum was more photographed than the recent lunar eclipse, and Paris Hilton has certainly given us more gynecologically complete views into her heiressness than a simple swimsuit nipple-slip.  Uma? Two words: Dangerous Liaisons.  Rose McGowan had to be revealing to be noticed alongside Marilyn Manson, and Lindsay Lohan just posed starkers for the AARP magazine, or whomever.  Lord knows, most of the breasts in question are either A) small enough not to hurt anyone (Gwyneth Paltrow), or B) almost entirely constructed of recyclable, space-age polymers (damn near everyone else).   Either way, "support" isn't really an issue.

This nation has depended on Hollywood to be a harbinger of taste and decorum, showing us how to dress and behave.  When stars like Sharon Stone, Teri Polo, and Drew Carey are walking around braless, how can we hope to survive, regardless of our next President?

Full disclosure: the author of this piece is a big fan of all breasts, from A to D, and he fully supports (npi) a woman's right to choose bralessness.  (Encourages, even)

 

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9 Responses to “Texas & Ohio: Primary Concerns? Unharnessed Boobies”

  1. I see two primaries that definitely need to be covered up. Har-har.(Forget the boobs, I'm talking about those legs! Gak. Snausages!!)

  2. Now, Jay. Lindsay has decent legs for a 40 year-old, so be nice. Did you see her layout in New York magazine as Marilyn Monroe? Lilo's 21? What, freakin' Celsius years?

  3. **hurrrk!** Oh thanks a LOT Tom….you could have warned a guy about that one. Cripes.Someone get me some paper towels for crissake.

  4. oh, drew carey needs a bra BAD. he can't leave those moobs unchecked!oh my gosh. LiLo is looking haaagggggaaaarrrrrd. seriously. she could definitely pass for a 40 year old. yikes.

  5. Hey stop knocking 40 y/o's! lol Seriously, what gives????
    This was so funny! I liked the part where John McCain served in the Civil War.

  6. Being thirty-eleven myself, I'm certainly not knocking 40 year olds. Only those 40 year-olds who are really only 21. šŸ˜‰

  7. Seriously, I know, I really know! I get it:-) I was just trying to rattle your cage! lol Hey I'm really thirty-eleven too. Older than dirt!

  8. I was not impressed with the photo homage to Marilyn. The camera has an uncanny ability to catch charisma (or in LL's case, lack thereof) on film. It was rather sad. šŸ˜¦

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