Friday night in paradise

This is one of the bad bacteria that invited me to this particular party.  I'm not a fan.

This is the latest electron micrograph, showing that the treatment has been working.  There are still more to round up, but the good guys are winning.

(thanks to Robbbiedobbbie for the artwork)

A) My world, circa 11 January, 2008

The strangest thing Debra has said to me over the past week is, “Keep epithelializing, will you?”

Note her tone: she acknowledges that I’ve been epithelializing like a…well, a whatever epithelializes in kick-ass fashion, and Debra just wants me to continue doing so.  

I’m in a “long term acute care hospital,” which is where they turf you when the big kid hospital is done with you, but you still need lots of repair before you can go home.  

Mostly, my day consists of sleep, cable television, and 14 hours of having a car’s worth of antibiotics pumped into my veins.  

Debra and her hench-goons (I mean, Physical Therapy Techs) visit me twice a day.  In the morning, there’s wound care—an hour of having a water-pick-like device blasted into my wound, followed by some nice scraping, then application of a pleasant dead-tissue-eating enzyme ointment called Santyl.  

In the afternoon, it’s more traditional physical therapy: I get out of bed and walk up and down the hall awhile.  Then I sit down, Debra straps 10 lb weights to my ankles, and we do various exercises.  

Debra’s job, basically, is to torment me twice a day, and God bless her and her goons for their diligence.

Last night, I looked up my ailment on the internet.  The mortality rate is about 40%.

I’m grateful to be part of the 60% that live.  

I’ve learned, though, that life goes on.  Based on that, I’ve come up with various…

B) Observations and Resolutions

1)    If Detective Goren from Law & Order: Criminal Intent and Monk ever teamed up, I doubt they’d be able to get out of the police station.  If they did, though, I bet they’d be able to solve any mystery, from the JFK assassination to where all the missing socks go.

2)    My first night when I get home, I’m ordering an extra-large pizza with KFC’s new crispy buffalo wings on one side, Long John Silver’s on the other, and a side of Taco Bell.

3)    The next day, I’m going on Jenny Craig, because I, too, want to get into Valerie Bertinelli’s skinny jeans.  (har)

4)    Based on my documentary-watching behavior, I don’t care at all about gorillas, apes, monkeys, meerkats, elephants, hippos, sharks, the environment, or non-criminal humans of any continent or culture.

5)    Based on my documentary-watching behavior, I really dig snakes, all insects (along with poisonous spiders), Elvis, World War 2, ghosts, and serial killers.

6)    If I won the lottery, I’d send a case of good champagne to the executives responsible for green-lighting the Law & Order: CI, Monk, X-Files, and Mythbusters marathons.  

7)    Based on the Tom poll, 100% of all presidential candidates suck.  

8)    That said, Fred Thompson is the only one of them who was in The Hunt for Red October and said, “Russians don’t take a dump, son, without a plan.”  I wouldn’t vote for him based on that, but he gets extra bonus points for having said it.  Dennis Kucinich earns extra bonus points for being married to a beautiful red-head who's like a foot taller than he is.

9)    Being named “Mitt” does not earn any bonus points. 

10)     No salad has ever turned me on, unlike the actresses in the Wish Bone Salad Spritzers commercial.  One of them even has a bottle of this stuff on her head.  I can just hear the director: “This salad is making you really hot.  You DESIRE the salad.  LOVE THE SALAD!”  C’mon.  Sausage gravy, okay, but not some 2 calorie a spray diet salad goo.

11)     I’ve never liked nail polish, but blue or black nail polish makes the wearer look either A) cyanotic, or B) like a bad carpenter who moonlights at Jiffy Lube.

12)     The single most amusing thing I’ve heard recently is that Tom Cruise had Katie Holmes impregnated with the frozen sperm of Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard.  I admit that I’m not especially well-versed on Scientology or Hubbard—plus, I admit to blaming Tom Cruise for stealing Katie Holmes from me—but the whole putting L. Ron’s frozen batter in Katie’s oven thing is just so Rosemary’s Baby as to be laughable.

13)     When television writers are stumped, they frequently resort to having previously straight characters become Lesbians.  (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, eg)  

14)     Frolicking in the pool on an oceangoing cruise ship seems like eating canned corn in a cornfield.

15)     It’s so much easier going from dial-up to broadband than regressing.  The only way to get online in this joint is dial-up.  Ouch.

16)     I’m ready to go home, but it’s not going to happen for another week or two.

17)     I realize that I don’t know everything.

18)     For some reason, hospitals serve lots of oatmeal.   I don’t like it, but my cholesterol is down to 133.  God bless Wilford Brimley.

19)      I’ve never been in the hospital before, especially over the holidays.  Given the choice again, I’d choose to go to Idaho and buy E a cinnamon latte at the new Starbucks.  

20)     That’s it for now.  Have a great weekend.

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3 Responses to “Friday night in paradise”

  1. I'm assigning bonus points for #3 because I had to wipe off the monitor after that one. I'm glad you are beating back the bad ol' (yet strangely attractive) germs and Debra is cheerfully abusing you so you can head home soon.

  2. My God, Tom. I can't even make a joke at this point. I'm glad you're still alive. I am glad your flesh is reforming as it should.

  3. 40%??? *sigh* I'm so glad you're OK. Not all better, maybe, from the sound of it, but OK. And mending.*waves to Debra*OWWWWWWW for your wound care. did they give you any leeches to munch on the wound?I love those shows- Monk L&O: CI — you're digesting a lot of TV, hunh?Can you talk on the phone to Kitten?Your list cracked me up so often I won't list the numbers here- it would nearly repeat the list…but the Fred Thomspon one got the loudest laugh. I adore oatmeal and if I lived closer I'd be happy to bring you the pizza and eat your oatmel. Although the cholsterol thing is good…Sorry about the dial-up…And sorry about getting here late again– I never see your updates on my homepage….will come directly here, now that I know not to trust the homepage. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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