Them old insomnia blues

Four o'clock in the morning.  I've been in bed since midnight.  Nothing on TV except infomercials and news I don't want to hear.  I don't have any books I haven't read at least twice.  I turn on the Power Book.  I check my e-mail.  Nothing from anybody I know.  Two messages in my spam folder.  I have nothing better to do.  One is from Nicholas somebody.  "Make her grin , Ashamed of your size ."  Sorry, Nick, but I don't want a pill to make a woman grin.  I start to wonder where Nicholas earned his marketing degree, and then my mind stops, reminding itself that his choice of words is not the biggest problem in his sales pitch.  Spam #2 is from Bay Dentals.  It offers me "Top penisofferings. 75percent off."  I don't want 75% off of my penis, thanks, and why is a dental company trying to sell me "penisofferings."  It sounds like a sacrifice to some fearsome santeria god.  Sheesh, I've already written about spam.  I don't read my spam, usually, but there's nothing else to read.  I've already read everything on The Onion and Slate.com, and the Drudge report had depressing news.  I go to the website that loads the local air traffic control radar onto my computer.  One damn plane over the entire state.  A Boeing 767 38,000 feet over the Gulf of Mexico.  I bet those people are asleep.  Shit, I wish I were.  I look out the window.  No rain, no fog.  I wonder if it's cold.  I check the Bay News 9 weather site.  It's 67 outside.  0430, and 67.  Pretty much mid to upper 60's all over Central Florida, except for Lakeland, which is reporting 19.  I'm bored enough that maybe I can sleep.  I turn off the computer and roll over.  Kitten comes in, lies down on my hand, and falls immediately asleep.  Fuzzy little showoff. Nineteen degrees in Lakeland? What the hell? How can that be? I wonder if somebody typed it in wrong–69 would be about right.  Okay.  That must be it.  Turn your mind off.  Go to sleep.  Sleep.  Let your body relax.  Let your limbs relax.  Let your muscles relax.  Let your skin relax.  Let your cells relax.  Cells? How do you relax your cells? Sheesh, that's stupid.  Cells.  Celsius.  CELSIUS! I bet it's 19 Celsius! What was that damn formula.  Minus b plus or minus the square-root of b-squared minus four-a-c over two-a.  Nope.  Quadratic formula.  Y=mx+b.  Great.  Slope-intercept form.  But why is it 19 degrees in Lakeland? Oh, yeah.  Celsius.  Let's see.  Add 32? So that's 49, 51.  51.  Now, multiply by nine-fifths? Okay, 51X9, well, 50X9 is 450, so 459, now divide by 5, um 91 and 4/5 degrees, or 91.8.  Shit, that can't be right.  Maybe.  Wait.  19X9=, well 20X9=180, subtract 9=171.  Now divide that by five.  34, basically.  NOW add the 32: 66 degrees. Oh, HELL yeah! THAT makes sense! I try to remember which teacher taught me that formula, but I can't.  It's too hazy.  I finally drift off about 0630.  The phone rings at 0745.  It's Puddin', on her way to work, just calling to see if my insomnia was any better last night.  I tell her I learned how to relax my cells.  She tells me I'm weird.  I just shake my head.  I walk into the kitchen to get a Diet Pepsi, as much to hold against my gravelly eyes as to drink.  I look at the couch.  Kitten is curled up in her power sleep configuration.  I can't believe I've never noticed this.  Kitten apparently has a smiley face that's only visible on her right rear quarter-panel (or whatever the cat equivalent is) when she's curled up like this.  Or maybe it's just this morning, to mock me.  She snores, and I swear she giggles under her breath as I trudge back to my bed, waiting for the sandman, wishing I had some NyQuil.

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6 Responses to “Them old insomnia blues”

  1. I bet you'd chug it right from the bottle too. No spoons or silly plastic shot glasses for you.Strange what one thinks about when one cannot sleep. I tend to revisit torturous events from elementary school myself, or else ponder the nature of time. Or worry about terminal illnesses.Hey, there's some ideas for you next time! All right!

  2. Insomnia must be going around…I was reading your Casablanca post around that time….;-)

  3. Thanks, J. As long as I don't have "nature of time" nightmares, now. 😉

  4. What a great movie. I recorded it on the DVR at work. Unfortunately, I wasn't at work while trying to sleep. Had I been, I happily would've watched it again. Better Casablanca for the third time in three days than getting geeked about translating Celsius into Fahrenheit in my head. Btw, I think it was Dr M who taught me that formula. Hope you sleep better tonight, Ali. If I don't, I'll Benadryl myself oblivious. Chmoki.

  5. (((((((((sleephug))))))) I hope that knocks you right out. Kitten is adorable and it's nice that she fell asleep on your hand, hunh?I'm so sorry about the insomnia. Wow.that totally sux. I have no suggestions, though. The times when I can't sleep I thrash around all pissy about it and then list all the things i would do if I gave up and got out of bed, and usually I'm bored enough with that list to begin to drift off. When that doesn't work I pretend I'm asleep. I close my eyes and pretned to breathe that sleep-breathing, and I pretend to snore. And that's so silly that i make myself laugh. I still don't sleep but at least I'm laughing. I hope you get a good deep restorative sleep tonight ——–

  6. The funny thing is, I usually make a list of things Robbbiedobbbie would do if she gave up and got out of bed, too! What are the odds??? lol Thankfully, I ended up sleeping a lot during the day. Of course, it's now 0323, and I'm still awake. Oh, well. At least my eyes don't feel all sandpapery, and I'm no longer hallucinating and yelling at the moorhens outside. Kitten is responsible for giving them hell. Happy Wednesday, and tell S that K sends a *purr* of approval at his sleep calisthenics form.

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