E-ticket ride to the hereafter


Possible Scattering Of Human Remains On Disney Rides Reported

Ride Closed, Police Alerted After Woman Seen Dumping Substance On Ride

The story goes that Disneyland officials had to shut down Pirates of the Caribbean after a woman allegedly dumped the ashes of a loved one overboard.  People who frequent Disneyland say that this has been going on for years, starting with The Haunted Mansion.  One Disney fan said, "it is not unusual for people to scatter a loved one's remains at the happiest place on earth."

Two things.  First off, it is DEFINITELY unusual to dump hubby or grandma's ashes on a theme park ride.  It may not be uncommon, but it is definitely unusual.  Second…

…EEEW! Every time I've ridden Pirates of the Caribbean, I've stuck my hand in the water.  Hell, you get splashed going down that hill thing.  Sure, I've stuck my hands in some pretty unsavory places, but I've generally tried to avoid soaking in a slurry of some lunatics' dead relatives. 

What happens if the ashes of enemies are dumped in the same ride? Would they be left to fight for all eternity? Would their anger result in giant maelstroms in the typically tranquil ride?

If I were inclined to dump cremains at Disney, I'd want to dump somebody I hate into It's A Small World.  Hell, truly, would be an eternity of that infernally happy song, with polychromatic mechanized kewpie dolls doing The Robot.  I'd take Moloch ramming a red hot pitchfork in my ass over It's A Small World. 

So, you've died and your body has been reduced to ashes.  Where would be a cool place to end up?

I saw a story on CNN, I think, about a Florida company who will mix your powdery self with concrete and form it into an artificial reef part.  They put a plaque on you, and they put you on the ocean floor.  Literally, you're sleeping with the fishes. 

Now that sounds cool.  One sick idea I had was to have all my friends go to a party in my honor, with lots of free drinks.  Then, after everybody was good and liquored up, pizza would be served.  Pizza with a special ingredient in the crust.  That would be amusing.  Too bad I'd be dead, and I'd miss out on the joke.

Once you're dead, I don't think it really matters what happens to your remains.   Good thing, considering the ridiculous makeup I've seen on some corpses.  Just in case, though, I hope my loved ones care enough not to leave me surrounded by singing pirates and the sweaty tourists who love them.

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4 Responses to “E-ticket ride to the hereafter”

  1. I don't know – this doesn't really bother me. I'm more icked out that you deliberately stick your hand in theme park ride water than by whose remains might be floating in said water. Seriously, there's probably poo in there. Or other bodily fluids. I mean, it's a dark ride if you know what I'm saying.At least someone's ashes would be relatively sterile.

  2. Poo? In Pirates of the Caribbean? What a horrifying thought. I've always used dark rides for giving smooches, not taking dumps. Either way, it's one more reason for me never again to go to Disney World. And if I do, I'll keep my hands out of the water. Thanks for the image.

  3. I'm here to help. 🙂

  4. I read somewhere that if you pay enough they can compress your ashes into a diamond. I think that would be cool, but creepy.

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