Helpful folks

I just want to thank everyone in the Spam community for their concern.  I feel bad that I've never taken the time to get to know you personally in order that I might understand how deep your compassion runs.  What humanitarians you Spamsters are.  I'm blessed, truly, that you take the time to care about the state of my mortgage.  Thanks to your kindness, I realize that I, too, could wear a genuine replica Rollex (sic) to help me attract the ladies, bring them back to my freshly remortgaged house, and amaze and delight them with my herbally enhanced monster genitalia.  And thanks to you buying my timeshare and preapproving me for that loan, I can afford all this largess.  Without your constant, gentle reminders, I'd never have known that chicks dig Rollexes (sic), and that a few pills could help me "rock her world allnite."  Silly me–I'd been using charm and conversation all these years (or alcohol and chloroform, as a backup). 

The e-community has called your benevolent work "spam," as if that's an insult.  Spam may not be exciting or nutritious.  It may be a can-shaped frighteningly pink loaf of pig fragments, but Spam is comfort food–fry it up, slap it on some Wonder Bread with Miracle Whip, and feel your problems dissolve (along with your stomach lining and pancreas).  Like the stuff in the can, your reliable, regular offers of help and encouragement make me feel warm and safe.  And if Spam's sodium nitrite and mystery jelly transmogrify me into a horrible ogre, I'll never lack companionship, because "hot chicks in (my hometown) want to make sex with me."  Your grammar and spelling may not be flawless, but your heart is pure.  Turkey for Thanksgiving? Not for me: give me Spam.  Bless you in your selfless pursuits, and thank you from all of us improperly mortgaged, unstylish watch-wearing, boring-genitaled schlubs in unwanted timeshares. 

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2 Responses to “Helpful folks”

  1. Hilarious! *holds mug aloft* Here's to pure hearts with bad grammar and the pure hearts with good grammar who ridicule them for my entertainment!

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